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Originally Posted by Gemcrusader
...what i also allready kinda realized but not fully is this:
Forgiving is not possible or has no effect if the perpetuator does NOT reckognize his actions.
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I disagree. I disagree quite strongly, in fact.
My father was a narcissist. He engaged in a lot of very cruel, hurtful behavior over the course of his life, especially toward his children.
And he never, ever apologized, or admitted to even the slightest wrongdoing. If I was ever hurt by his cruelty, it was my fault--I needed to develop a thicker skin, a better sense of humor, stop being so sensitive, lighten up, get with the program. I was always inadequate, wrong, ignorant, with my head up my rear. And when he did compliment me, it was always with other people around, and it always felt fake, as if he was trying to show them what a loving father
he was, not tell me what a good daughter
I was.
But right before he died, I finally forgave him. Completely and absolutely forgave him for everything. He died of cancer, and suffered a lot at the end, and that finally brought him down to human-size for me, where I could finally comprehend that he was just a frightened, insecure, unhappy being who had spent his life trying to get a leg up on everybody. He'd been so cruel to me and to others because he truly believed we would treat him the same way if he didn't keep us knocked off-balance. He saw everyone else as a potential threat to his ego, and therefore he couldn't truly love. He lived a sad and pitiable life, once I really thought about it. It was easy to forgive, then.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with what the other person does, or whether they're sorry. Forgiveness is simply dropping your own pain, anger, shame, and resentment when it comes to that person. You don't even need to tell them they're forgiven. You just need to make the decision to stop carrying that heavy negativity and blaming it on them.
Forgiveness isn't about letting others get away with what they've done; it's about letting
you get away
from it, rather than continuing to drag it around.
The other person can keep on doing whatever it is they do. They don't need to be sorry. There's no debt you're trying to collect from them, any more. And by dropping past hurt, you can quit dragging it into the present and move unhindered into the future.
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The reason why a sorry can be so empty. And basicly means nothing. Its about letting quarter fall trough. If there are words and discussion, yet u feel the quarter is not going trough its meaningless.
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I have forgiven people who gave me such ridiculous, lame, half-baked apologies it was all I could do not to roll my eyes and say, "You have got to be kidding if you think that's even a remotely believable apology."
I have forgiven people who gave me such ridiculous, lame, half-baked apologies all I could do was roll my eyes and say, "You have got to be kidding if you think that's even a remotely believable apology."
I have forgiven people who never bothered to offer an apology in the first place, my father included.
Forgiveness doesn't make everything they did okay, or restore broken trust, or let them get off without consequence. It just frees you from carrying around all that unresolved hurt and anger, and being further harmed in the process. That's it.