[sapphirerose]

Originally Posted by MARDAV70

The only "pain" I had was in trying to figure what the heck was wrong with me...why did I have this feeling of closeness and familiarity that I never, ever had anything near to with any other person. I treated him terribly...things I'd never say or do to another person and hurt him to the point I could see it in his eyes, yet he let those things pass by and for decades tried to connect with me. Strange (?) thing is, we looked amazingly alike...people would tell me all the time (we're both male, BTW)...even his own mother said so and the amazement in her eyes when I first met her was very obvious, and a stranger thought we were twins.
He passed away three years ago. I went to a fund raiser for his family, met (and became friends with) his wife. The first time we had lunch she was looking at me and I heard under her breath say "gosh...you even have his mannerisms!". I found out later from her we shared many idiosyncracies. Strange, but when he was alive I never saw a great resemblance...but after in seeing pictures of him I see the resemblance pouring out of his eyes (the eyes are the windows to the soul)...I see myself.

Since the NDE, I have suffered GREAT pain an anguish. I forgave myself (and others) of every and anything...but for several years I couldn't forgive myself for what I'd done to him. Then a couple years ago I heard inside from him "Please stop torturing yourself...please. I made just as many mistakes as you. We're two sides of one. You'll understand, as I have, when you get here. It will be wonderful". When I heard "two sides of one" I felt an indescribable unity within. I can't wait until my last breath is drawn in this life...I sure hope it's soon (although I'd never do anything drastic to end my life...except maybe stop taking my meds...would that be wrong?).

I wasn't spiritual in my life until after the NDE, even though in retrospect I'd had a couple other very spiritual things happen to me...which I cast aside trying to convince myself I was imagining things. Now I think maybe I'm coming close to understanding my crazy, mixed up life...lol!

It is so comforting to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through - thank you! I can completely relate to what you said about trying to "figure out what was wrong with you", and trying to work out why you feel that closeness and familiarity - I've felt like that many times and often still do in regards to my uncle. I'm so sorry to hear about your NDE and the passing of your TF; I can't imagine how hard that would've been for you. You are a very strong person. Yet, he will always be with you; with your soul. Amazing that you felt that true unity within yourself, and that he somehow told you to stop torturing yourself.

You're right - I shouldn't rule out that my uncle could be a TF. I'm actually a gay woman, so to feel this intensity with a man is very strange to me. It has made it a lot more confusing in terms of me accepting it. I had to write a list of all the strange things/synchronicities that have happened over the years in terms this connection with my uncle. I put it on paper, as it was making me feel crazy.

One majorly strange thing that happens is that I truly feel like I feel his pain. If I hear that he's sick, or is going through a hard time, it has this effect on me like nothing else. I'll suddenly feel extremely depressed, like my heart is aching. Sometimes I can't even move or eat due to the sadness and the worry; it's like I feel the pain/heartache he's going through. I've never been this way towards anyone before. Once, I actually became very sick with a cold after finding out that he was sick - and I hadn't even been around him at all, nor or anyone else who was sick. I developed symptoms out of the blue.

In some of my previous posts, I've gone into a bit more detail about it. I just do not know why he effects me so much, when NO other family member does.