Living where you feel you don't belong...
It just dawned on me that that seems to be the story of my adult life. I thought it was just the years I've been living in this province where I began to feel I don't belong in 2007. I remember the exact moment that realization hit me.
Bright sunny day, on my way home from work, driving over a 6 km long bridge across the Oosterschelde, enjoying the view as I looked at the town on the other side.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it hit me: "What am I doing here? I don't belong here at all!"
It was quite a shocker as I'd been enjoying the ride and the moment. A moment I'd least expect to get something like that. It was so strong that when I got home I started looking for houses in another province that suddenly appealed to me. That was really weird as I was in a relationship with a man who wasn't going to move, with my 2 teenage kids (not his btw) that I'd have to uproot and they wouldn't have joined me. Yet, I was looking at rentals in that province, feeling quite confused.
Ever since, I began to really become aware of how much I do not resonate with the people in this province. They're very different from the people where I'm from, my province.
I haven't a single friend here, even though I've lived here for 15 years now. I know a lot of people, yes. Yet I have no friends. None.
When I tell people about this they look at me as if I'm nuts. They think it's me, I should just make an effort, open up.
But... I've done that. Time and again. It just does not work. Somehow me and these people do not click. It always remains superficial.
At some point I ended up talking to people and hit it off right away. Turns out they were from my province! And they were having the exact same problem as me.
Relief! It wasn't me!
I noticed that each and every time I end up talking to someone and it just clicks, they're from my province. And when addressing the issue they too confirm having the same problem.
Some moved away from here, back to our home province, because they felt unhappy here.
I too want to move, but not sure where to. Plus, my circumstances are somewhat different as I cannot work, I have a benefit due to a neck injury.
Just now it hit me that I've been in an exact same situation during my marriage. Moved away to the next province where my husband had a house.
I never felt at home their either. People weren't as warm, always holding back, sometimes a tad sneaky. Just like where I'm living now??
And -like the province I'm currently living- a quite Christian (reformed) province. My province is Catholic. Clearly that makes a difference?
I talked about it with a friend who wasn't from there either and she looked at me as if I was nuts, and didn't agree. Until she moved with her family to another area where people were genuinely warm and inviting. Then she told me, "You were right all along!"
Thank you! I'm not crazy!! Apparently just more perceptive than average.
I lived in that place with my family for 11 years. When I divorced I had to decide where to go, and I felt I didn't even want to be buried in that place. I figured if I didn't want to be there when dead, what the heck was I doing there when alive?!
I left. Only to end up here a year later. Again because of a relationship, moving in with him.
I left that relationship 6 years ago and now I'm still here. Fifteen effing years... And eleven since I got that epiphany on that bridge that I don't belong here.
So my entire adult life I've been living where I don't feel I belong, don't fit it, don't resonate with people. And barely a friend, currently no friend at all. The ones I had moved away then the friendship fades too.
Sometimes that really makes me think... why the heck is this happening to me? Why am I constantly living in a place/area where I do not fit in? What am I supposed to learn from this?
I've tried to just accept it, let it be, based on the belief that if I am here I likely have to be here for whatever reason.
But it just doesn't work. I'm withering, I'm not really happy, I miss having friends. Sometimes I don't speak to anyone for days... Except for the girl behind the cash-register in the supermarket. That's my social life...
NOT my choice, I don't like this. I've tried, tried to organize things with other people, singles. Nothing.
I find it confusing. What's the point? And if I'm not supposed to be here, then why don't I get some offer or opportunity to get the hell out of here?