Thank you for jro and Mr G.
Since last Sunday, I’ve had a turnaround which is still working its way through my system.
Last week’s postings really brought it home to me how much the trauma and the experience of it were still affecting me and it seem to create an intensity of feeling that magnified with every passing hour. I had unsettled dreams and woke the following day with stomach pains. But I knew this wasn’t related to food etc, this was energetic pain due to the upset. So I went to work feeling low and in pain. On my lunch time walk it occurred to me that I was looking for some words that would enable me to view the trauma and the experience in a way that made me feel comfortable with it and that resonated at a soul level. As I was thinking this, a small white feather dropped onto the road right in front of me, so that I picked it up. I also thought that I just know that something Matt says will deliver that transition. So that evening, I flicked through all the videos he’s done looking for something which seemed appropriate and found The Way of Radical Acceptance. I thought that sounded the ticket.
The first thing that struck me that he was moving away from the very old school thinking of working on “I accept” when obviously you didn’t accept it seeing as you were trying to force yourself to accept whatever it was that you’re working on. He said to try this instead, “it’s OK that I’m feeling sad, angry, it’s OK that I don’t like ....” That instantly felt better so I tried “it’s OK that I don’t know how to heal myself.” So far so good. Then three things came fairly quickly, building up to the ‘ah ha’ moment for me. First he said, “what is the choice that you keep avoiding that would free you from the need to accept anything at all?” “What are the choices within my reach that can rectify this.” And then this....... “stop holding yourself hostage and waiting for some impressive future reality to be the ransom that liberates you.”
At that point, I stopped and went into the kitchen to prepare my evening meal with all that spinning around my head and I asked myself those questions and it occurred to me, and this thought hasn’t ever struck me in 11 years .... ‘what if I lay down arms, stop the fight and just live my life’. First thing I noticed was my whole body seemed to relax and the relief that swept through me was overwhelming. Thinking about what Matt was saying about noticing how the body feels in response to decision, I thought that’s got to be the right decision. I had a blissful night’s sleep and no stomach pain the next morning.
I wondered if I would try and change my mind and wondered what my morning cards would say, to either confirm or not if I’d made the right choice. There was no doubt that I’d made the right decision with ‘Love Begins’ and just to confirm it ‘Make a Commitment’ which I knew instantly, was to commit to that decision. Since then, I feel more relaxed, peaceful and at ease.
I’m continuing with watching one video every few days and I am learning so much. Casting aside old spiritual viewpoints that I never got in the first place and thought that I was lacking something not to understand. The power of now – is a book that I just never got. LoA too. As well as quite a few things he’s said, that I have done and do feel – that’s great to know.
My shelves are full of books that were interesting but either didn’t mean much or I didn’t agree with, some of them untouched. I’ve seen many different spiritual videos on YouTube which again, I didn’t get, didn’t resonate, for me I’ve always for AH deeply patronising. But with Matt, I understand what he’s saying, I love the way he uses humour to drive the message home (been crying with laughter sometimes) and what he says satisfies my logical mind. The highlight of my day right now is to have my evening meal and watch one of his teachings. And I’m putting into practice the techniques and way of thinking of things – and it’s working. I’m actually beginning to feel mildly enthusiastic about the future which is a big departure from the feeling of being ready to go!
And Mr G, I can’t thank you enough for bringing him to my attention – if it wasn’t for your suggestion I’d still be floundering in the dark, not even knowing that I was in the dark. So thank you a million times over!
