Blessed Be.
Over the past week or so, I have been going into the basics and causes why I am
like I am and not necessarily why I am
that I am.
It first started with a failed attempt at jounalling and my psychologist asking me to write about how I felt...which opened up a whole can of worms (because I simply could not).
Basically, I cannot help but intellectualise and rationalise
all my emotions, leading me to the state of total depersonalisation, where I am not able to
feel any whatsoever...but my sympathetic nervous system can...oh yes...with full vengeance!
Online surfing about it has lead me to two articles:
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2...ldhood-trauma/
...and these quotes stood out:
Quote:
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People who employ this defence mechanism, then, prefer to ‘live in their heads’, finding participating overly in the harsh and unforgiving reality of the outside world somewhat distasteful and, therefore, best, as far as feasible, avoided.
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Quote:
As a result, such persons’ sympathetic nervous systems can become ‘stuck’ in a permanent and highly debilitating state of overarousal (I, myself, suffered from this for many years – it can be quite agonising).
Alongside this tormenting state of hyperarousal can often exist an unrelenting and merciless sense of profound dread (even though one is often unable to pinpoint why this should be so.
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...and a full kundalini awakening didn't fix this, if anything, it just made things a hundred times worse.
I could go on and on about how every
word of this relates to my present condition.
I have also tried EFT and EMDR without much success.
Here is another:
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Q%26A:_Wh..._feelin gs%3F
However, for me to 'feel feelings' means that I need to identify what a 'feeling' is anyway (outside my own head) and that's pretty difficult when depersonalisation has led to having absolutely no 'self concept'...which is amazingly awesome in the whole
spiritual sense, but terrible when it comes to relating to the external world.
This is not to say that I cannot feel emotion
altogether, but something
massive must happen for me to be able to feel it...like losing my children (grief) and like having a divine experience (love)...but day to day emotions are just 'not there' by comparison and I pretty much have reconciled my past, in that all the trauma I experienced as a child, I let it all out AS a child...and yet, subconsciously, this still plays havoc with my body.
I really don't have any answers for this and so, I put it out there and thank you.