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I'm going to weigh in on this because I'm in a situation with a friend where I'm basically your friend.
Your relationship sounds a lot like my friend's - a lot of conflict, breaking up or almost breaking up, being in the mindset of having to change things (getting rid of the "bull****") in order for it to get to a good enough place to work out, etc.
my friend is also in the mindset of both of them having encouraged growth in the other and how good things can be if changes continue to be made, and being hopeful about all the ways he may continue to change.
Here's my point of view on it: if 10 years from now you wouldn't be happy in the relationship if things were exactly the way they are right now, then why stay in that relationship? why be with someone when you being with them is dependent on something about them or the way they treat you changing? why accept someone treating you in a way that needs to change? or you treating them in a way that needs to change? I think my friend deserves better and I'm sure your friend thinks you deserve better, too.
your friend seeing things in a way that's coloured by her own experiences is completely understandable. I see a lot of my (emotionally abusive) ex's traits and behaviours in my friend's partner and I'm sure you can understand why anyone would be unhappy to see someone they care about being with someone who behaves in a way that is reminiscent of someone abusive.
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