[Windbreeze]

Hello guys,

I am what you know as one of today's stereotype. Someone who's older but still living in his basement. I will get vulnerable here and say what I wouldn't say about myself normally because it makes me feel ashamed:


- I don't have significant other
- I don't have car
- I don't have driver's license
- I don't have mortgage payment
- I feel like my life is wasted because in my age many do have what I mentioned above
- I am male, 34 years old
- Still live with my mom

I am self-employed since 2009 but am not successful to make a living out of it to improve my quality of life and get myself out of ****ty place. I was hoping to establish business that would at least help me to live in a better place and afford better living conditions but it seems nothing came good out of that hoping. A few years I felt great and thought things took care of themselves but it seems I fell back where I started.

Majority of life is without changes and when negative things happen, I get to say that nothing good in my life happens. Occasionally there are but not enough to tip the scale towards being optimistic about life. My life feels like dysfunctional life, I have depression, I am bipolar and very sensitive to negativity of other people that I try to avoid encounters when I can. I especially am very sensitive when something happens to my closed ones like my mom which is the subject that I created this thread about.

Whenever something negative happens to my mom, I feel emotions she feels. When she is disappointed to the point of crying or when she feels pain I feel like my soul tears apart inside me. I can't control it and at this point thing get down the spiral. My self-worth goes down, I get very vulnerable, I get anxious, I get panic attacks, I can't comprehend what other people tell me as if their words fly through my head, everything mixes up in my head, I can't articulate myself as if I forgot the language and it gets worse. I get depression and suicidal... I can't live with thought that I still have (how many? 50 years?) left to live on this planet and experience those things. I am tired of these emotional ups and downs. It's not normal.

I am also very receptive of her behavior, critique and judgments of me if there is something that I did wrong. Why I feel so strong about my mom? Is it because I have been living so long with here that strong bond was created or she is my soul mate? I feel like I don't have a life and I feel like I want to forget my current life, get somewhere far away and start a new.

My mom is old and requires my help often when it comes to translate for her since she does not know the local language, go to places that require knowledge of language be it clinic or hospital to help her navigate through etc. It's hard to get caregiver eligibility here and I wish she would have a good one who would look over her.

I don't have intuition to tell me where I should dig and which direction should I take in life. I wanted to know your thoughts guys. Thanks!