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Well, just a few comments that spring to mind. I've listened to various guided meditations and I usually have the same issues with them as I have with yours.
First there's a bit too much talking. Too many examples of possible sensations. Mentioning what kinds of distractions or irritations are normal at various points.
Little time to actually observe, only at the end you offer the listener 30 seconds of silence to actually come to rest and focus. I would consider this the minimum for every step on the way.
Especially with beginners, everytime you stop taking they would need a couple of breaths to quiet their mind and get their focus back onto their body.
So what I would suggest is maybe a longer introduction. Making clear that one should observe his body and focus on every possible sensation. Not to judge anything one feels or doesn't feel. Not to worry when the minds slips away occasionly etc.
Then when you actually start the observing part, make very short introductions for each step, just mentioning what area one should focus on without repeating what to look for and give people 30 seconds to focus and feel. At the middle you may remind people of some of the basic rules you mentioned at the beginning.
It might feel awkward for you to talk so little and pause for so long, but the recipient is not there to listen, but to experience. You need to give him time to do so.
Just my 2ct.
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