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Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit
I had posted a little of this into a pretty much unrelated thread, so I took that out, and I'm making my own, heh. I feel like I am at sort of a standstill here. I haven't been a member here too long, but I did post the short version of my story as my first post. I was a complete disaster for the most of the two years since my TF left me.
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I'm going to put this as politely as possible: two years is nothing. It's a blink of an eye, if you are in an eternal relationship.
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I tried to reach out to her, so many times, that she eventually cut me off, blocked me out completely. It took me a long time, but I'm finally in a reasonably good spot.
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You might be in a good spot, but did you get her message? She does not want contact with you. She'll call you -- don't call her. This was not about you getting in a reasonably good spot; this was about her wanting to be left alone for her own reasons. Probably because she needed to get into a reasonably good spot, without your help.
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Seriously... I've come so far on my own, I'm sure I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am carrying on (alone) with the passions, and the work, that my TF and I were meant to do. I'm even going back to school this fall, for 4 years at 37 years of age, for a degree in what TF and I were passionate about together... and the thoughts still consume me. She wants nothing to do with me, at all, and I really can't blame her, after some of the breakdowns I had trying to reach out to her. Now that I'm stable and whole in myself again, I feel like it's critical that I show her that I'm OK.
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This is where you're fooling yourself. You want to reach out to her for your sake, not for her sake. You want to show her you are doing okay. If she was worried about you, she'd reach out to you and check in. But she's not doing that. So you are rationalizing here that it's critical that you show her that you're okay. It's NOT critical to her. If it was, she'd have called. It's critical to YOU. Face it. Admit it.
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I know she feels guilt for what she did, how she left, and what she thinks she turned me in to. I think I need to get this across to her, for HER sake, not mine. She's left me no avenue at all, to contact her though.
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When someone leaves you no avenue at all for contact, it means they don't want any contact. It's that simple. Respect the boundaries that she's set. And don't assume she feels guilt and all of that. If she does, she'll remove her boundaries and she'll reach out to check in on you. Until then, there's nothing you can do.
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I've asked for guidance from above, asked to be shown, if she's really better off with me out of her life. I've asked to be shown what is best for HER. And... if that means my absence... then grant me the wisdom, and the serenity, to accept that. I am coming from a place of zero self-concern, zero selfishness, now, it is all about her.
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Why are you asking for guidance from above? Her actions have told you loud and clear what is better for her. Look, I know I'm being harsh, but someone needs to play your bad cop here. There's something annoying about your whole post -- you think you know better than her, what's good for her. That's obnoxious. I was married to someone like that once. People like that totally annoy me. Yeah, I've got my cranky pants on. But, can you please see this? How disrespectful it is to her? How demeaning to not simply take her at her word? To not trust that she knows what's right for her?
That's not love. Sorry. It's not. That's you making huge assumptions. Love would be stepping back and giving her space and respecting that she knows what is best for herself. Even if it cuts like a knife.
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All is silent. I've been shown nothing, told nothing. I have been forsaken, I think.
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Yes, but not by the gods. You've been forsaken by her. Does she know how to find you? Could she reconnect if she wanted to? Or have you changed your last name and run off with the witness protection program?
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I'm relatively unschooled in all of this, so I may not know the proper methods to ask for this guidance, but I've certainly poured my heart and soul, my very essence, into this request. It's no longer about me... it is only for her well-being.
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It's not for her well being. You're only rationalizing that it is, because you want an excuse to reach out to her again.
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If the purpose of this connection is to learn total, unconditional love, it has happened. I get it. I would do (or not do) *anything*, for her to be happy,
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How about respecting her don't-contact-me/leave-me-alone boundaries? You did say *anything.*
You just don't like the inaction path. I know, it sucks.
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and knowing my action/inaction is the best course is all I need to be happy myself. Please help me. I need my guides like I have never needed them before, and I am getting nothing.
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Ask your guides for something else, unrelated to her. Ask them, perhaps, to send you an angel right now, or a companion to help you stop thinking about her so much.
And with that, I'll add that you are actually lucky and should count your blessings. The situation you are in is far better than having contact, but getting confusing signals, and being kept at arms' length, but every time you attempt to retreat, or try inaction/no reaction, having them yank you back. Oh and don't get me started about the signs and syncs!! Driving me NUTS. Incessant, no matter what I do or don't do. If I could go back to all those years with no contact, no signs, no syncs... if I could only rewind time... I just might opt for that. Seriously!!! Yeah. Cuz I'm in hell right now. hence my cranky-pants responses lately.