[Fizwold]

I had an pretty bad psychotic break due to a 16 year old breaking into my car and smoking a large amount of weed. I am very, very sensitive to pretty much every drug (In this case I am referring to medications) and my experience with weed has been hellish to say the least but not with out something to learn but in the end I avoid it because it is a risk.

The kid and his family have a history, and to us they have stolen and damaged personal property up to 42k USD worth in costs. Keep in mind I mean single actions taken by the entire extended family of 20 or so were seen doing such things by locals and not just to us. Cops do get called , warrants are issued often to the tune last I counted one a week or two. I kept them from gassing themselves to death in my mothers old house she was renting to them after I learned of what they were doing and what they had done and I feel like that was a bad choice as myself and others suffered for it.

Telling you the short of the back ground is important as it will reflect on my thoughts and actions during the psychotic break.

When the back finally peaked and I was paranoid and hostile but not randomly hostile only to those that I felt like where effecting me unjustly. I saw the bag of plastic mulch and assumed damage to the car would the loss of which we would not have been able to recover from and I snapped and was going going to bury them as I know the where abouts of a few of them then I realized that action is not me, I keep to my morals. I was not going to take action against even someone that has harmed me for an event they did not do.

I had to get contact with a few people online and had to ask them to verify things for me. I have never had to ask for help during one to make sense of things as I never been helped during one but I have had people and family take advantage of the state and made things far worse, this was new to me, actually having it bad enough to genuinly ask. I have posted before that I had a NDE and I still think given what I know that I am indeed on the ground in that PE field dying and this could be my mind going insane as it happens, I could be in purgatory being judged and tested. I do not know and for the most part I have been if that is what it is then so be it I suppose and I go about my days. I chose instead to harm someone else to rip apart my own reality in a maddened state and had to be helped back to a state of retaliative sanity.

I did not come out of the break with out learning something and I did not come out unchanged. I feel far less here then I have ever been and more over there. In some ways it reminds me of my NDE I suppose. All I can say is something has changed like a seal of some sort was broken.

What brought me out of it most of the way was someone reminded me about the way I wanted to be by touching on one of the threads connected to that and the other was giving me schematics for me to go over on my car and giving a little side details about so that I can work through the mechanics of it.

I need to be rid of this call for justice because in the end it is vengeance and vengeance is a poison for the mind , body and soul.

There is more but I am not going to go into it out side of saying I am left with a feeling about the kid, I think he caused himself trouble unrelated to me.


Edit: During the event my BPM was 130 at resting and given what I know topped around 180-200 while in doing work. It was not just the high heart rate but the mental work needed to break free that took and this last week feels like it went by in a second.