[MutedBlue]

It's going on two years since I've been profoundly changed by a TF connection. Whether it was a genuine one or one designed by this person, it fits all the emotions and thoughts of a TF experience regardless.

Because of the need to stay away, I feel I must release what I need to say to this person here, in letter form, and if anyone can relate to what I've gone through (some of our experiences are similar) I hope it can be of some benefit to them as well.

Here goes:

Dear person who will never leave,

Once again I can feel you in my head. At these times I get a sneaky suspicion that this is when I am the last thing on your mind. If a thought of me passes through your consciousness I'm sure it is when you are the furthest thing from my thoughts. You have changed me forever. I mourn the loss of the person you showed yourself to me to be. I grieve for what I thought you were or who I wanted you to be. The intellectual you, the thoughtful you, is who you came on strong as. Then you turned out to be self-obsessed and shallow. Two sides to the same person. You claimed once to be many things to many people. Different things to each person. No wonder you ultimately feel misunderstood. You try to absorb people, be who they need you to be--always a different side to you is emphasized--and it's never really all just you. I see you hating yourself at the very same time your voice says you like who you are. I wonder if there is a "real you". It seems you lose yourself in drugs to live with yourself for what you've done to other people in your life. The ones you systematically helped awaken and then try to destroy. It is like a compulsion or sickness in you.

Yet here you are, ingrained in my mind. Do you realize that when I'm through hating how you are, you stay residing in my head? I suppose it's a trick you've learned through your many studies on human nature, psychology, and your power to influence. Some days I see you as pathetic. Others I strongly feel you as a part of me. You did open up a new level of understanding in me. You "raised my vibration" if you will. If you were to see me now, you may not even see the same person you had grown fond of anymore. My less naive view of the world around me may have made me less appealing to you. How much of you was real? How much was played up as someone I would be attracted to?

At this point, you are no longer a person to me anyway. You are like a spirit within, the idea of you is what I carry around with me. You are my imaginary friend, my pretend soulmate. My concept of you will be vastly different than the literal you. The you who is broken, empty, used up, and who has thrown away and rejected all your gifts or used them to hurt and manipulate. That you I want to forget forever. Since I can't escape, you will be endured and remembered as someone who touched my very core and gave me the gift of curiosity.

--If you've read this far, I thank you.