Whenever I close my eyes, I just see his face.
I work at a hotel. Last weekend, I walked in on an unresponsive guest. I had to do chest compressions for the first time ever (I'm in school to be a nurse's aide so I'm First Aid trained), but it was too late. I had a sinking feeling he was already gone the second I walked in the room. His face was so blue. The paramedics didn't even take a pulse when they arrived, said he'd been gone for several hours - possibly even since the day before. Any time I try to sleep, I just see his face and am right back in the room. The nightmares and night terrors have been horrible. I've had to use a sleeping aid the last couple of nights to help me get at least a little bit of sleep, but even then it's hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. On top of seeing a deceased person for the first time, and attempting first aid for the first time... it was also a regular guest who I knew quite well. Police said it was an overdose. I had to call 911 for him before and the last time I saw him, he thanked me for saving him as he had an infection and needed surgery. I saw him off that day and I stayed while they removed his body as well. I find some peace and comfort in that, I hope he knows I tried and I cared.
Victim services suggested trauma counselling, I've been in touch and am now just waiting to hear back from them. But until I can get an appointment to see someone, how do I carry on like normal? The guilt is agonizing, I feel horrible for not finding him sooner. Even though I know logically there was nothing I could've done, and I have brief moments where I feel somewhat okay...most of the time the second I'm alone with my thoughts and not talking to someone, it's just non-stop thoughts running through my head. All the What Ifs.
I hope this wasn't a triggering post but if anyone has any tips on dealing with trauma, it would be much appreciated. Thank you. ♥