Hi ChildofSummer,
First off, welcome to Spiritual Forums. I myself have felt your pain, and have been in those shoes many a time over the past almost 40 years of my existence. I also have struggled in the past with health issues. I have been suicidal many times, and have even acted on it plenty of times in the past. So you are in good company in this forum. There are many who have been there, and have the scars to show it.
I can tell you don't give up. Don't lose faith. Don't lose hope that things can and will be better for you. But I know that's nigh impossible for you to believe at this moment in your journey. Yes, life does not make sense. It truly doesn't... I should say. It does not make sense to us living it. To those in the realms of spirit who guide and support it. It makes total sense. While you may have an image of how you see your life. Life does not always go to plan. Sometimes you have to take a side detour first before you can get to where you want to go. Many trials and tribulations in our life come to us to show and teach us something we need to learn along the way. Whether it's compassion for others who struggle, or if it's to learn love for self. All important lessons that so many struggle with.
I have been in the shoes where I just don't get why all those around me, who lie and steal so to speak, while good people like myself, get so little. It makes little sense. But when we compare our lives to others we will always have misery in our life and our minds. Comparison will not help us in anyway.
Take comfort in knowing that you are in a place to want to make changes and that is a great first step. Not many people want to take those first steps. There is something you should also know that healing comes in many different shapes and sizes. Most people look at healing and go, OK, illness is gone. Miracle happened. While that can most certainly happen that is not what healing is. Healing is not curing in the literal sense of the world. Healing is about balance within the mind/body/spirit. It is about bringing harmony when the self is out of harmony. It is about finding peace/comfort/joy even in the darkest of times when we are the lowest. When we find that within ourselves the universe literally opens up to us and many things can happen for us. Whether we become cured or whether we are able to live with the things we do have and have a much better quality of life.
Hopefully you have spoken to doctors, and have gone through their testings and worked with them to find answers to your issues you mention. Considering you said you had stomach ulcers and now losing hair, and the like, have you worked on things such as cleaning up your diet with a trained professional in doing so? Such as cutting out refined sugars, gluten/bread, grains, dairy, sugary drinks, stimulants? And creating a more healthy diet that involves real, whole foods/fruits/veggies? Working to heal leaky gut and things of that nature? Healing your body from the inside? It truly can do wonders to help the body heal itself and strengthen it's own healing abilities. A lot can change for a person just by taking better care of the things we put into our bodies, whether it's food, or even thoughts/ideas.
When we work to heal our bodies from the inside out, much can happen and change for us. You may not see the light now, but continue to search within yourself and even speak to others who have been in your shoes and you may just find the answers you seek.
God bless,
inner
