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Originally Posted by wanchain
You reminded me of something that my cousin said to me. I was telling him about something miserable or intolerable, and he said something very negative, like, "You cannot change that. Life is just misery." Or something like that.
I think those who suffer are doing so because they accept it. Actually, I did not accept it, but it took me years to figure out how to get out of it. I think, for people like your family, they were just too clouded with darkness to be able to see a speckle of light.
Like a fish living in a polluted pond. He doesn't know that the water is polluted, although he would feel uncomfortable or sick. In contrast, if someone were to poke him, he would know that someone attack him, he would have that awareness, and he could respond by swimming away or something. But if it is the water, he would not know, and will just suffer.
When I look at my relatives, I see that they are like the fish. Even if I tell them, they would not believe it. I think we can only believe that there is light if we have caught a glimpse of it.
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I hear you. I think about why they're that way or what made them that way but in order to heal I need to focus on myself and start to believe that I matter. What happens when you go no contact is you start to feel all kinds of fear and guilt, but with help you begin to care about yourself and ask the question "what about me, don't I matter too?" It's not easy at all because trauma bonds in a family in denial are hard to break. That's what was programmed in my mind, to be in that world. The only escape was total separation giving me an environment to heal. Many children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families feel like a weight is lifted off their shoulders when the parents die. To me it's important to work through all this in therapy so that even after they die I won't have any attachment. The goal is not forgiveness, the goal is to feel nothing one way or another about them. It's a myth that you have to forgive to heal, the truth is you only have to forgive yourself.
