Originally Posted by linen53
Colorado your descriptions of schools sounds like ones I've head about in numerous books.
Do you have any of these titles of books that I could read? I haven't ready anything of this sort, but I have drawn pictures to try and capture what I saw, and felt....the scholars, auditoriums, and landscapes.
I felt totally at home, not mesmerized, or overly gushing with motion...but like, I'm at home, and I'm here because I need extra training, or special classes because I'm obviously out of control and being wreckless.....I Was being rather wreckless with my life in my 20s, and had a lot of stress and depression, and I wasn't coping well....I did not care if I woke up or not, yet I had a very spiritual side, and a connection with them....I think it's because of them I didn't die...and because I obviously had more learning and relationships to attend to.
Where did you read this, and where can I find other people's experiences of this schooling I was sent to?
Also, my very first recollection of going to school...was funny. My very first time attending, I walked into the auditorium and kicked a can I found so hard, that it bounced off all the auditorium walls...not physically possible in this world. I watched in amusement as it bounced off the stairwell, ceiling, and walls, and listening to the echoes of the sounds as I could no longer see it, but hear it...as it kept bouncing and hitting walls like a bouncing ball, but it was a can. I kicked it that hard, with that much emotion. I really remember like the first day of school...why I was there, and I was disappointed in myself mainly....I knew it was my fault I was there, and I was a tad bit, what's the word...****ed off and disappointed at myself you could say. Just really like, look what you did, and thoughts of important oppertunities that were meant for happiness, growth and change, were wasted by my negative emotional choices...I expected more of myself I guess, but did not feel strong enough, or deserving enough, to walk through those doors of oppertunity, or change...that were actually written on my life path to have, but my self esteem and anger issues needed working on, And I would not accept the opportunities, and instead made really poor choices, that could lead to me dying.
If it was my will, I would have...but they wouldn't let me....and I know that's why I was there, to change my thoughts and feelings from wanting to die...and to want to live again, to remember why I was here in the first place.
I don't consciously remember, what was taught, but I do feel it on a soul level...it's a hidden strength or peace that comes out when I start having those feelings, which I do sometimes.
I know that I have committed suicide in past lives, and was wreckless in those as well....joining the military out of pride, ect, where I was killed, or jumping off a cliff on the sea side to my death....I don't think they were going to let me off so easily this time.
I did not try to commit suicide this time, not purposely, but I didn't care either way....I did party like it was 1989, didn't eat, was grossly underweight, no sleep, lots and lots of alcohols, coccaine, marijuana, mixtures of prescription drugs with opiates, ect....very stupid choices...all of which was brought up in the schooling, as well as some traumatic events of my life....but I do not remember the details.
It was serious enough, that it was a multiple step program, where I attended more than one class...and had more than one guide or teacher with me at a time, and they were with me for many years after I quit. It's been 15 years since that happened.
I have never been in any kind of trouble or been sent to rehab, jail, ect. ....nobody knew what I was doing...as far as they know, I've always been squeaky clean. Only me and God knows, and now you.