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Thank you all. And yes, it is quite the blow, even though I felt something was off since beginning September, still a serious blow. I love the man like I've never loved another. And I know ppl always say that, but in this case it is true. In a very odd way. In a way it was as if we skipped the normal pink clouds & butterflies stage, we went from 0 to 100 on the first date. Yes, we were in love, but in a different way from anything I've ever experienced before.
Yes, I am still positive about the TF thing, and I'm still quite certain he is my TF. I have been in the illusion thing with my ex, that was totally different. I knew deep down it wasn't true, that I merely wanted it to be true.
Still, TF or no, it just hurts like hell. At the same time it's a slight relief as the stress about what's going on has gone now. But the love remains, cos I do love him deeply.
SSDM I agree with what you say, that they tend to go for women who don't trigger them so much. I've been fearing on and off as I know this can happen. And I've also known from quite early on that he got hurt real bad by his ex wife and never really totally got over that pain. He had quite a lot of relationships after that, which I always consider to be a red flag, and I always tended to avoid such men. Too risky, an indication they have problems with committing.
But since it was so intense right on the first date, both sides, not just me, I decided to go for it regardless.
Now I gotta pay the price... Personally I think -and this is guessing, I don't know for sure- he gets out of relationships when a true commitment is 'required' because he never got over that old pain.
Would make sense, as I think things started to go downhill for us when he felt he was in over his head. A year ago he said he didn't doubt at all, was certain. So somewhere somehow something must've changed. I just don't know what, other than I am quite sure he has commitment problems.
I think he basically hops from one relationship into the next. When I met him he was only out of one for 2 months but I never noticed him not being over that. And now, after 16 months with me, he hops straight into another one at the point he has to consider committing and moving in together.
Not that any of that helps me. I still have to deal with this pain and losing the man I love.
And what I don't get are the messages my friend got via my dad. One of which was to be patient and to trust. Trust in what, I wonder. It's over. Done.
Sigh.
Time for bed, it's 3.30 AM. I suppose I can sleep, lol. If I can't sleep now -I'm shattered- I will never sleep again. I just hope my brain won't kick in too much once I'm in bed. I think tomorrow night will be better, but this first night... kind of weird, it almost feels as if we've been living together and I now have to spend my first night alone. You know, that first time alone in bed again where you used to sleep together.
Yet we saw each other once every month approx. so how can it feel this way?
Please send me your love and light so I can sleep! Lord knows I need it!
THank you, you're all really sweet! xxx
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