Well... I think I'm out.
I've been having heart problems. Pericarditis. Blood pressure and heart rate issues. I was on treatment for pericarditis, I was taking ibuprofen. But then my doctor switch me out since I was on ibuprofen for a whole month and I still have fluid around my heart. Since switching out, the side effects of pericarditis have been coming back but this time, with new pain.
Before i just had general chest and back pain. But now, all of my pain is specifically on the left side, accompanied with jaw, neck pain, dizziness, nausea, and some trouble breathing. It would last for hours, and I think my condition is worsening.
I've been in the ER multiple times, almost daily and to different emergency rooms, and no doctor is able to pin-point what's wrong with me. Blood tests, EKGs, chest xrays... nothing. They just chop it up to my pericarditis or dehydration, but they're still unsure about it. Fluids don't help me much. And none of the doctors know where my pericarditis is coming from. No body knows where any of my problems are coming from.
Like my thread before, I've been going through many death signs. It's non-stop, happens multiple times a day, even when I wake from sleep I turn on the TV and there's the reminder of death. And no, it's not the news or some death commercial. Honestly, I wish you were there so that you can see for yourself just how much death stuff I've been running into lately in perfect timing. And that shadow that has been following me... One psychic told me it's a family member. To protect me. But... I wonder if they're there to take me away.
I can't sleep and I've just been awaiting death. I guess in a way, I've learned to accept my possible fate. I just hope it's painless. Like, I die in my sleep or just collapse and die. And in death, things are peaceful.
And yet, in the back of my mind I don't see myself dying. A voice in the back of my head would say, "It's not my time. I can't die right now." I wonder how much truth is in that voice. And how much of it is just... instict. Instict isn't always accurate.
Sorry if this is types out horribly. I'm in a lot of physical pain right now. I do see a cardiologist tomorrow so... maybe I'll get answers then. If I make it through the night. I've given up hope and have just been letting life work whatever magic is has. I tries praying but things have just gotten worse for me.
I don't know what to do anymore and I want answers. At least before it all ends. I'm only 21 years old.
EDIT: I also dreamt of my passing out or dying. I woke up right when I collapsed in my dream.