I extend love and light to you, my friend.
You are not being punished by anyone outside of you. Yes, we all have karma
, for karma
is simply the interplay between cause and effect, yet it is not about punishment. In truth, when we worry excessively, this is a form of "unconscious" self-punishment.
In your extreme situation, concerning yourself with a question such as "Am I being punished?" is not a very helpful action. That is, the more you intellectualize your situation, the more it brings discomfort, because the intellectual thought process--when not placed under the supervision of higher consciousness (the "Higher Self")--creates stress (mental/emotional/physical stress).
In other words, if you began affirming within yourself something like,
"My main objective now is to make the best of my current situation, through making myself as comfortable as possible. I will be easier on myself. The past really doesn't matter, for my true focus is in the here and now. I will let my actions be guided by love, as best as I can,"
then such an attitude would be less stressful than where you are currently focused. It would be an attitude that is more conducive to promoting well-being on all levels. You may actually use lucid dreaming to help in healing yourself.
This too is a tool that you have that you may use to promote healing. You could, for example, while lucid in a dream, use this as a platform to contact your Higher Self, spirit guides, as well as manifest a more healthy body.
You could use lucid dreaming to confront and heal an issue. Quite simply, you can use it to promote well-being for yourself, mentally, emotionally and physically.
The real reason why your situation is happening to you is simply because you have some debilitating beliefs (some unhealthy thought patterns) that are in alignment with physical pain. That is the core of it. It is not really about past karma or past actions, it is about your CURRENT psychological state, which does indeed affect the body.
I suggest not thinking too much about the details of your situation and the details of your past, as best as you can. You really want well-being, this is certain. Well-being is not about receiving intellectual answers so that you can feel better, it is about FIRST allowing oneself to ease up, allowing oneself to focus more on appreciating
the life that one has. True clarity is about allowing oneself to feel joy. Your core problem is that you are not really appreciating yourself nor your life experience enough. There are people who have gone through more "hell" than you, and even more physical pain, who have managed to discover some degree of inner peace within themselves. This is a fact.
Therefore, I suggest that you see these words that I am offering you here as not what is really being offered: You are being offered love, compassion and an opportunity to connect deeper with the Life Force within you. That is really what I am offering you here, not an intellectual answer. It is a reminder to look more at the bright side of your life as a whole.
You receive signs all the time! It is just that you think that a sign must come in a certain form, or something spectacular. Well, what about a sunny day? Is that not a sign, a symbol of love and hope? There are endless signs, yet you must learn to stop rejecting them.
All experiences make the soul stronger, this is certain.
Best Wishes, I extend you.