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I think what you were seeing in that culture, is they are using pain as a measuring stick for mind and spiritual growth.
You see the blissful people, they were all older or elderly, all mature, all spiritually developed. But you who cried, you were young and it was your first time. You could not distinguish yet mind from soul, God from ego, and that culture you were in, I believe they were using pain as a measuring stick. Some use meditation, some use pain, ya know the old many paths one destination thing, but it is essentially a grinding stone.
I really enjoyed learning and thinking about that, I rarely get to hear about Shiva disciples and Shiva devotees since i live in the west and he is not common here.
Shiva respects the offer of sacrifice. You achieved great spiritual status when you offered your life, because you offered your life. Your experience is fleeting for two reasons.
The first reason is you are not continously making this vow. Perhaps thinking that making it once is enough and it need not be affirmed each day, it does though. When you don't constantly affirm the vow of selfless service, sacrifice, and servitude, all gifts granted by the vow will also leave.
The second, is you are caught in the pleasure of higher consciousness. The sad truth is you are not Shiva, nor am I really, rather we are at best strong disciples or devotees of his. Humans born imbued with his essence, easily able to accept his gifts. And through effort we can renounce our ego through vows of service to become channels for his infinite energy and being. Because you think you are Shiva, this and many other things says to me, you are caught in the esctacy of higher consciosuness and are at a pause in your growth.
To continue on, truly make the vow, and continue to make it when mara comes to tempt you with escapes or pleasures. and before you fear or fret, know that the ways you can selflessly help others doesn't have to be "work 80 hours as a therapist" or "become a yogi or preacher". You can lead by example, using your new spirituality enhanced consciousness to perhaps show others the best way to pray. In this way you are pushing others souls onward spiritually, and feel no pressure to say "I am God in human form" because yes, it is a difficult thing to say, and one very few want to hear. Also being God has a lot of responsibility with it, on a deep and spiritual level you know this, perhaps that is why you choose to attach to the pleasure of God consciousness and pause your work before accepting mountains and mountains of responsibility.
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