[Uma]

Day 25 of 40: April 19, 2016 (link)

I am little peeved about today's talk
Hmmm… God is the Doer, yet I am the one who takes responsibility for my actions and pays for the consequence of my actions. I'm the one who has to act wisely in the play. I have to do all these niyamas and work so hard and so selflessly, and then who gets the reward for my actions? Someone else. Someone more deserving. Doesn't sound fair does it? And on top of it all I'm not allowed to complain either! My ego is peeved about this. Not fair! I did all the work! I deserve the recognition! The rant goes round and round in my head like some kind of anti-matter mantra monster threatening to blow up my universe.

Today I must confront the nothingness of my "I", my "ego":

"The 'I' has no eternal existence. The mind gives it existence, the form. In truth the only thing that exists is consciousness in its infinite nature." ~ Sri Vasudeva

This is part of the profound realization of the enlightened ones, the point of view of the awake ones, the wise ones. It doesn't mean just doing selfless acts and saying "I am not the Doer. I am so humble." It means really, really really and truly feeling it to the depths of my soul. But my ego resists. My ego is screaming, hopping mad!

In meditation practice
Observing my thoughts… it can lead to the silence, but only when I realize who is doing the thinking, where that thinking is coming from…and when grace happens. What will I see when I look into the machinery of the mind, into the software of the mind? What will I see when I look at this ego that is producing all these thoughts? Will I see a transparent nothing that exists only as a thought of God?

Karma yoga
The practice of selfless service is a heart-centered path to enlightenment. It's not only about doing good things, it's about doing everything with an honest and sincere attitude of "I am not the Doer" and with a devotional attitude of "I am offering this to God" - offering my mind, heart and body to God; offering my every breath to God; offering my "I" to God, my little point of view that adds to the collective point of view.

In truth I am a hologram thinking I have sentience.
I am a hallucination someone else is having.
Just as I am I dreaming about this treasure chest and as I begin to wake from the dream I want to keep just one teeny weeny gold ring, but I can't because it all dissolves into nothing…so too in my ordinary reality, even though it all feels so solid and so real (but it did in my dream too) it is not. It is not. And I am not also.
These are depressing thoughts, oh God…

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don't care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharp;
I alone am dull.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don't know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

~ Lao Tsu in Tao Te Ching, translated by Stephen Mitchell

Here Lao Tsu is not speaking of depression but of great joy - the joy of not having to carry burdens - burdens that come with ownership - the responsibilities that come with recognition - the difficult karmic lessons that come with name, fame and fortune. He is speaking of the freedom that comes when we let go and let God.

The joy of owing nothing and being nothing
There is something wonderful that happens when I surrender the outcomes of all these actions my "I" thinks it is doing… when my surrender is done in fullness and I am fully aware of my surrendering… I let go, I let somebody else, and then suddenly I am in this flow. How can I describe this to you if you have never felt flow?
It's sort of kind of like:

• falling into an ocean of love
• the best orgasm you ever had but it doesn't end
• feeling like a thousand angels are fluttering around in your heart
• and it gets hot in there
• being in the zone
• flying
• floating
• peace
• a whole new world!

Breathing prana into my heart chakra I sing:

"In You I exist. In Your infinite love I exist. I open my heart to let go of Doership. You carry my heart, You carry me (carry me emotionally)." ~ Sri Vasudeva