[MoonAndStars]

As in a nutshell as I possibly can...

My relationship with my mother broke down when I was about twelve years old, I tried to tell her something which she didn't want to hear and accused me of lying for attention. From that moment onwards, I didn't want to be at home with her and I encountered many troubles during my earlier to mid teens. I was living independently by the time I was fifteen, and then she moved and didn't tell me where to.

I tried to work on things a little later on but was always met with negativity and have since felt like I'm a let down. I have an older brother who she never says a negative word about, he's perfect. I actually get on brilliantly with him and don't resent him in the slightest, I should make that clear.

I now have my own children and I am married. I've had many problems with mental health over the years, and was recently diagnosed with a neurological condition which answers many things, but my mother point blank refuses to acknowledge this. She won't even acknowledge the anxiety I suffer with, even though she herself has suffered panic attacks.

She judges everything I do, even down to things as stupid as something I want to buy (it's pointless and a waste of money, and is selfish). She judges every decision we make regarding the children, our lives, our home, our pets, what we have for dinner... literally everything.
I'm not allowed to talk about the past, I see it written all over her face and she doesn't acknowledge what I do say, when I have. The thing that got us here in the first place has never been spoken about since.
She doesn't understand the difficulties I've had, like once when she was on her way to mine she asked if I wanted/needed anything and I asked if she could grab me some milk (she was going to a supermarket), she told me to get it myself as getting out would do me good and I shouldn't be lazy (I was going through a particularly anxious time and was extremely agoraphobic then).
But yet I have a friend who is going through some extreme difficulties at the moment and is currently in hospital, and my mother has all the time in the world for her! She has every understanding and sympathy. I don't want sympathy, just some understanding would be nice!

Anyway, it's recently got to the point I'm extremely anxious every time she's visiting, which is twice a week, to the point I'm having panic attacks once again. I'm avoiding her at the moment because I will say something and it won't be in the nicest way, which I don't want.
I've tried to explain how her constant negativity makes me feel, but she puts the blame onto me and says I pick on her and alienate her, amongst other untrue and hurtful things.
She has spoken to me less and less over the last year or so, which is why this has played on my mind more because I don't know why she has such a problem with me. I asked her and she just accused me of picking on her. I haven't been horrible to her!
At the moment I can't say anything to her without her replying in a really sarcastic way. She will make arrangements with my eldest son and won't say anything to me first, so when I hear it from him if there's a reason it can't happen I have to explain that, which means he gets annoyed with me and then I get it in the neck from her. I asked her to please communicate with me because I didn't want there to be any unnecessary arguments and I just got sarcastic messages back.

The thing is, I actually really love my mum! I want a positive relationship with her, and I have told her that but it just seems to fall on deaf ears. She's not outwardly aggressive or anything, she's very passive-aggressive and sarcastic, and frequently tries to guilt trip me.
She's important to me. But she's not the mum I had before. Sometimes I find her messages so ridiculous that I've asked my husband if I'm making all this up in my head.

Sorry, I know that's not really nutshell-like but that is definitely the shortened version! Anyone relate? I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't see a way forward :(