[lostindigo]

Hello all. Where to start. I am at a trying time in my life and i thought id look for help here in an effort to reduce some of the suffering of being in this world. I'll start with some backround so those willing to help can have some understanding.
backround
Theres a lot of things im not sure of; why im here, want i want to do with my life, but theres one thing im very certain of, my love and desire to connect with animals. I was born with it, its almost like an instinct. As a child i looked up to animals. I wanted to BE like them. i would walk around in all fours, bark, roar all types of things. Im sure mwasany other kids did things like this but i took it very seriously.

As a child I struggled in school. Theteachers said ihad a learning disability and I was in "extra help" classes all throughout grade school. In kindergarden, i couldnt focus at all, i was always fantacizing, daydreaming and pondering.

After i turned 12 i began suffering frome severe anxiety. I was very paranoid and scared all the time. It was myserable, there were times i would forget to eat because my mind was so preocupied. Its important to note that i beleive my sudden bout of anxiety was braughton by medication. I began feeling like this after receiving a Gardisil vaccine. I beleive this vaccine may have been a reason for my deep anxiety.tgrough the years, my anxiety reduced but it was always a struggle. It eventually manefested itself in forms of OCD.

In my early teenage years I had a reveltion, I began seeing the world for what it was, and once i did, I felt this overwhelming passion to help the world, to bring the people together in unison and make people realise that we all need to take care of eachother. I was deeply motivated by this.

Ive recenrly had to face some very mently trying times that put me through more anxiety then i could bare, this time it was worse because i actually had real reasons to be anxious about. Eventually i snapped. I couldnt do it anymore and attempted suicide. I knew there was hope and i could get help and people loved me but, i was tired. I wanted to go home. A lot of people say "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" and for many people im sure thats true. But it seems that every trying time i face makes me weaker an weaker. I felt as if i was too fragile for this world, that not everyone belonged here. I wanted to go home.

Well obviously didnt kill myself, i called the cops on myself because i was feeli g sick from Ll the pills i had tKen Nd i did not wNt to die in pain. I figured they would tKe me to the hospital, pump my stomach and send me home. I didnt think they would send me to. MebtL hospital against my will,which is what they did. I learned a lot during my time in the hospitL and am thankful for that expierience. I met so many different people with addiction problems and who were victomised by their own minds. Being the youngest person thers at 19, people were puzzled by my eistence there. Id here things like "your a normal girl, they must have made a mistake" or "your so quiet how'd you get in here?".

Id like to say that being in the mental hospital was a big turning point and i got better but, i ant. Ive been out of the hospital for a little under two months, i just turned 20 this year and im suffering. I can still go to class and family get togethers and put on a laugh or a smile but, i s still sobb almost everyday. I still get suicidal. The truth is, i dont understad this world, i thought i did but i dont, nothing makes sence and i still wat to go home. I cant be honest about these things because i have a lafve family who loves me deeply. I play a big role in many peoples lives and i cant do that to them. They were all reLly shaken up by my suicide attempt and people just treat me differently. They patronize me and if im caught crying or dont seem super happy, they ask me if i took my medication rTher than asking me whats wrong.

I beleive i may be an indigo child and have heard that theze problems are common in us. If anyone has gone through similar things or could share zome inzight, it would be greTly appriciated.