Dealing with grief - other people's grief especially
So today would have been my brother's 41st birthday. He passed away in August last year after battling mental illness and alcoholism. Although not 100% unexpected it was still a shock to the system but I had my beliefs in life ever after to hold onto, and also felt his presence around me quite profoundly at times. He was also the 4th family member to die within the last 5 years (the other 3 in their 60s from smoking related cancers). In essence, my husband and I are 'all grieved out' and because my brother has proved beyond doubt to me that his energy lives on following his death, I do not feel the need to grieve in the way I see my mother grieving.
She is wondering how I am keeping myself together. But it is so hard to know and hear and see (we live 2 hours away from her) her grieving. Of course she is grieving - and she also lost her husband 18 months before my brother (who died on what would have been their wedding anniversary). My mum is a very difficult person to get along with at the best of times, and private in her emotions. I have suggested counselling only for her to yell at me that that won't bring him back. I know she is hurting - and I would be too if it was my son.
My dad is more laid back - or perhaps has a more laid back demeanour - so I can't tell what he is thinking. He also lost his partner 5 years ago. He definitely grieves privately.
I do wonder if my own grief has been pushed aside (by me) whilst I angst over my parents' grief, or whether it is because I know my brother is around. The issue is is that I cannot share these beliefs with them. They know I have an interest in this stuff, but they do not share my beliefs. My mum would also be 'jealous' that I could sense my brother and she couldn't, so I do not want to open that can of worms.
I guess I am just a bit stuck and wondered if anyone had any advice for helping parents deal with grief? Thanks in advance!
Grief is a personal thing one that we all take it is also a long road to walk.
people grieve differently some as you say don't show it.others cry all the time.
I don't cry I don't see the need.its not that I don't care .its because of my beliefs.i am a medium so I see it as a continuation of life.
I am also a counsellor so I see it from the perspective of others to.it can take a long time to get over grief, there is no time limit to it.and there are many stages of grief to .
everybody has to deal with it the best way they can.
I know that its not an easy thing to deal with. We do all have our own ways that we process and then hopefully move on from the passing of someone. Its an individual process, and one we all will face in our lifetime that loss of someone close to us.
As for helping another honestly you can just be there to listen at times as it is them that has to do the work to move forwards with life. We can never do that for someone. We can just be there if needed.
I know that as a Medium as well there is no such ending as "death" in the sense that its all over and done, there is more but too I was raised not to see it that way. To attend a funeral and cry and be sad. The only death I cried over truly let it all out was the loss of my Dad. From that passing I realized there was more to existence. That to be sad served only to hold me back in life going forwards.
Its not an easy thing at times for others to adjust to that being sad holds us in that place of being lost almost. Too its not an easy topic to bring up that you sense the passed one around and I know well its best one not breached at times and just left to settle within yourself and your feelings.
I am sorry that so much loss has come to you and yours. There are times one never fully lets the sadness go, and at times maybe that is part of the path of exploration one is to walk in life. We never want a child to pass before the parents but sadly it does happen.
Be strong as I feel you truly are and know that contact is made even if we do not feel it come to us. We know internally things are OK and whole.
Many thanks both of you, for taking the time to respond.
It is reassuring to know that just because I am not breaking down into tears all the time that it doesn't mean I have a hard heart. It truly is because I believe he - and the others who have passed - are around us and draw near. I am not a developed medium but I am sensitive to spirit when they visit, and so is my husband (who is a more skilled medium than me).
I called my mother yesterday and I think she was upset I wasn't at home from work and in tears like she was. But the words you say - we each grieve differently, are so true. I think she gets that but I also think she is still very angry over losing him: she has a tendency to project her guilt onto others by becoming really angry with them and blaming them, when actually she blames herself but can't deal with that.
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