Grief - how long
 

I feel a bit indulgent with this - but nearly 2 years on - and I still grieve my dad. It wasn't that we had the closest relationships, it was one that was complicated but I'm filled with happy memories (rose-tinted glasses perhaps as i forget the difficult times :wink: ), but a phone call at the weekend with people who had known him who were talking about him and I found myself filling up.

Yes, I get on with my life, yes - it was better for him to have passed, he was old and infirm and had dementia. He had had it for 3 years and been frail before that - so I sort of "lost him" many years ago - 5 or 6 years.

I simply don't understand why it is so very very raw still, how tears can so easily be triggered. Yes, I accept it for what it is, no - I am not hard on myself for feeling this way as it is what it is. I don't know if the wrench is because it's a human condition of grief, or if he's trying to reach me and I can't hear him.

I wish I would move on - not just for my sake but for those I come in contact with as mostly I've avoided awkwardness when the tear trickles down. It's not that I want to stop missing dad, but I want to stop the emotional reaction, or manage it bettter.

I am so sorry that you still feel grief at the passing over of your dad. However, it is easy for "little things" such as a casual conversation or some memento to act as a reminder of happy times with a loved one. In my father's case, if I heard a piece of Glenn Miller music (of which he was an avid fan), then it would make me emotional. These things can take years to settle down.

Ultimately, however, the best way to put things into perspective is to remember that your loved one has not "gone away" never to be seen again, but is rather in a different dimension, and indeed can be contacted if you wish. Just send him your love and he will surely sense it. Think of it like phoning a relative in a distant country! You will meet again, in due course.

You said above, " I don't know if the wrench is because it's a human condition of grief, or if he's trying to reach me and I can't hear him.". Either or both of those could apply in your case. Some people take longer than others to recover from the passing of a loved one. There are no "rules" for length of time to regain composure. As for whether he is trying to contact you, that is of course possible. If you are still thinking about him often, or see him in dreams, then perhaps that his way of trying to contact you to say, "It's OK, I'm fine now".

Every best wish to you!

Hi Belle,

As you probably are aware, I lost my one and only son 4 years ago and I still grieve him very much so. The 'personality' of the grief will change over time, as I have noticed, and gosh, I think people grieve for more than just the person, but for the temporariness of life on planet earth?

Yeah, the tough part is that so many things will pop up -- those everyday things that will remind us of them. It's sweet and sentimental that we fill with emotion at those memories, and I think that it's healthy. I think there is such a thing as 'enjoying' these seemingly everyday reminders - because it reminds us we are still alive and enjoying the gift of Life.

I have this as my signature at another forum:

Grief never ends…but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…it is the price of love.
~Author unknown~

:hug2:

Belle, 2 years is not very long.
I lost my dad 24 years ago, and though the pain gets more bearable, it never goes away.
The grief you feel will change over time, but you will never be truly free of it.
Have a hug if that helps. :hug:

:hug: Belle,


Two years is no time grief can take a long time to come through, it can take many many years, your dad wouldnt want you to grieve for him now he would want you to enjoy your own life

Namaste

The death of a parent is a major loss. Don't be so hard on yourself. I was still very raw two years in. My dad has been dead 35 years and my mom almost 20 and grief still can pop up.

My FIL passed away nearly two years ago, and my tears are still right there, just beneath the surface. I know that when my dad died (16 years ago) it also took quite a while for me to get past my grieving. Give it some time...:hug2:

I lost a nephew 4 years ago.. This year I am able to think of him without my spirit weeping. I still get a sad feeling, but the weeping has stopped.

I'm greving too and i think there are some days, weeks you think you are better and then there is a trigger that brings it all back again.

It will be two years since my dad died this April 22nd. He also had a slow decline and became very frail and weak for a few years before his death. I'm so grateful for the times he comes to me in dreams and I can actually hear his voice again! Some days I'm able to be more objective, and like you I'm glad our loved one's pain is over. But some days, I just want to talk with him again. No matter what your reality of your relationship with your dad (I also own a pair of rose-colored glasses), you're also grieving the passing of all your perceptions of what a father is -- in my case, some one who always took care of me physically. When he was so ill, and since he has died, I've had to come to grips with several fears surrounding my own eventual leaving, how I've lived my life so far and changes I want to make so I don't "waste" my future, and the truth that in many ways I'm "alone."

Be gentle with yourself :hug: