Do i move on or stay for the children?
 

Hi, I haven't posted on here for years, so i'm a little rusty!

My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

We have struggled to stay together for all these years, we have seperated twice, once for 9 months (7 years ago) and last year for 6 months, but both times we stayed in contact (more out of habit) and ended up getting back together (I did it mainly for the children).

I was so happy when I was single, I loved life again, joy had returned to my life at all the possibilities, I wasn't being told what to do, what to like, where to go etc anymore, but the kids really missed their dad as we moved 5 hours away and he could only see them every few weeks, which was also really sad for him.

In the end, I gave in to his constant pleas to get back together, things would change etc, but now i've been back for a year and i'm back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left.

I love him and care for him but we want totally different things out of life and the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside,.

But what about the children, do i stay and keep everything stable and familiar for them and feel joyless and nothing inside (apart from the joy and love I feel for my kids) or do i leave and try and work with my husband to make the shift as comfortable as possible for the kids?
I feel so guilty that i may be doing irrepairable damage to my kids and it stops me from making any decisions.
I'd love to hear your thoughts

Dear Lightworker

You say so much in these few lines:


When you love life and feel joy in the mystery of what may lie before you, you are in the best possible space to Really Be with your kids.


Here you speak of only going backwards.

It is hard to see your children and their father going through such pain. Ultimately, trust that doing what is right for you is a choice that will expand you consciously. Trust too that there is more learning for you all as you move forward loving life - rather than slipping back into old scenarios.

The key here is not for you to move away from your current situation into a new one, but that you keep moving towards more joy in your life and heart.

Wishing you much love
Sandy

dear lightworker,

while i raised my daughter as a single parent, i was involved with a man for 10 yrs and lived with him the last 1-1/2 after my 19 yr old moved out. while i did everything to keep the relationship going and initially thought he was my soulmate, Truth is always revealed. the doubt was strong even moving in with him. not listening to my soul, i experienced intense toxic emotional pain. a month ago, he told me to get out. while i was still there looking for an apt, i was hit with the pain of betrayal listening to conversations with his new girlfriend. so now i am out and beginning the my journey of healing and continued spiritual growth.

it sounds like you have heard your own soulful Truth already: "I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here."

your concern for your children is admirable. but we cannot give to our children that which we do not have ourselves. children deserve to be in homes full of love and joy. keeping them in homes with conflict and tension will confuse them and create an environment of uneasiness and fear at times.

my heartfelt suggestion is to listen and act on what your soul is telling you.
"...back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left....the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside." you are dying inside. staying will not only be doing irrepairable damage to your children but to you as well.

sending you healing light and blessings,

grateful always,
truthseeker57

:angel11:

Wow, great advice, thanks Sandy and truthseeker57! You are both right, I need time to figure it all out, i suppose i'm looking for confirmation that i would be doing the right thing by leaving and not being selfish. Guilt is such a rotten emotion isn't it!

As a child from such a relationship.... A child would rather be in a happier, though non traditional environment, then an environment dictated by duty and responsibility without love to go with it.

The day my parents seperated and my father never came back was the best day of my life up to that point.

dear lightworker,
Welcome back to Spiritual Forums! :hug3:
The best thing to do for you and the family is to get a divorce. You two do not seem happy together. The children will see this and realize that they are living in an unhappy household and this is never good for children to grow up in. Once you get that divorce your children should get to see both their father and their mother equally. Don't move so far away. Divorce is tough for everyone involved but it is better for children to grow up in a happy household with only one parent than an unhappy household with both. On the other hand, relationships are tough work, if you feel that you'd like to work at it get marriage counseling. If you feel that marriage is just not good for the two of you, stay good friends. That will definitely be good for the children.
Love and Blessings,
LadyVirgoxoxo

:hug3: Hey Lightworker.


I feel you need time and space between you and your husband to sort things out ,

staying for the sake of the kids is not a good idea, as they will pick up on how you feel

as long as the kids know that you both love them, kids are more resiliant than you think.

as you have left twice i feel there is a feeling of guilt there, thats why you go back.

as long as the kids are in a happy home they will cope.

Namaste

I feel similarly. There are questions to consider...

My intuition led me to marry my husband. Why does it no longer feel right? Is it me? Is it him? Is it the combo?
Is it the struggles of life - including parenting?

If I left my husband & found a new "soul mate," would I be happier?
If so, for how long? Another 12 years?

What is the eternally best thing to do for all? What would God, or Spiritual guidance advise?

Hi Lightworker, and welcome back to SF :)

My ex hubby and I had been together for 23 yrs. 15 of which were as man and wife. 12 months after we married I knew we weren't right for each but stayed out of loyalty I suppose. I had my daughter 4 yrs into the marriage but when she reached the age of 10 we parted. Even though I loved him - as a sister loves a brother, we no longer had anything in common. He betrayed me on the highest level, telling me a couple of years previously he was in love with my best friend and wanted me to change to be like her. Sorry I'm me and even though I tried to, deep down I was sinking further and further into a depression. My relationship with my daughter also started to suffer because I couldn't give her the full attention she needed at that time. she wasn't stupid though. We'd tried to keep everything from her like you do - not arguing in front of her etc and acted as normally as we could - but to no avail. She knew what was happening all right. Eventually we split 8 yrs ago and he turned into the biggest prat walking. Funny how you THINK you know someone after all those years together, yet you know nothing about them at all - or think you don't. The little voice of reason I pushed away was right all along.

so my advice would be, listen to your gut instinct. It doesn't usually let you down. Kids are resilient and bounce back. It's better to have two happy parents living seperately than being haunted by constant rows and bickering. Children learn by example so think about what you're teaching them if you stay in an unhappy marriage.

I'll thank my ex till my dying day for setting me free. I wouldn't be the person I am today if we'd still be in the destructive relationship.

Love light and laughter.
Jue x

A toxic relationship is no good for anyone, you or your children, its best to get out of a relationship where the love has died, my own parents stayed together for us kids but all it did was twist our heads, I grew up fearing that any partner I had was going to leave me, I have also seen this in my brother and sister. I have now given up all relationships and found that I no longer need them, I have found pure happiness within. I believe to stay in a toxic relationship just for the kids is child abuse, and also self abuse, get out now and be free, remember you have a life also not just the kids.