Possession
 

I have been thinking very much of spirits (human or otherwise) possessing living things to either influence, or to enjoy the pleasures of the physical world through said living things. I believe I may or may not be under the influence of such a possession. Today, talking to my father, I learned that if I am being 'haunted', it must be his father. I am adopted, so I am not connected by blood to this man who departed the physical world before I was even born.

In life, this man was an alcoholic. My father described to me the sort of drunk he was; not angry, but sad. He would cry listening to music. I have been suffering 'alcoholism' for almost three years, brooding over a ridiculous relationship that ended as fast as it began. Before I was in this relationship, I was merely abusing the drink, but I was a full-blown alcoholic by July 2013 (relationship ended May 15 same year). The point is that I am the same type of alcoholic as he was - depressed, not violent. I even cry listening to music when I drink like he did. Before my ex-boyfriend, I enjoyed my alcohol. I was a hilarious drunk. Not anymore.

Anyways, I have known for a long time I am nothing like myself, yet I do hold onto fragments of my former self. Mostly, I come across as saturnine and mercurial these days; whereas, in the past, I have been known as quite jovial, full of life and love. Extremely giving. I have gone so far as to steal from my loved ones these past years, and lie to them. I once held so close to my heart the importance of honesty. I am two people in one body, it seems. Maybe my father's father took advantage of my weakened state to enter my life and continue enjoying the drink through me? I don't know. I'm merely looking into Possession - how and why. I thought I would start here.

Please any feedback is greatly appreciated, especially if you are able to tell me how I can know for sure if this is a case of possession. I truly want to stop drinking and I expect it to be so easy because this pattern is absurd and unjustifiable. Then I enter a very dark mood, turning into an utter monster; I say and do things I never thought I could possibly say or do. I speak to things that are not there and I call them evil names like Devil or Darkness (being soft). I am beginning to enjoy it. Oh god, help me... This is not me.

Seriously, lotus, it might be wise to find some support and professional help for your problem with alcohol.
Alcohol has a way of magnifying emotion. But frequently it magnifies it in a negative way, and it can make you feel like you are carring a 50lb back-pack through life.
You probably wouldn't know it was having that effect until you get clean.

I honestly don't know if you are "Possessed" or not. I don't mean to underestimate that possibility. But whether or not....YOU are the one who has to take charge.

There may be some painful semi-repressed emotion also, about your boyfriend now being your "ex"...? Has it made you deeply sad? If that is the case, sadness can manifest in strange ways sometimes, and make you behave in self-destructive ways, or be hurtful etc.

Recognising it would be the first step. Then maybe finding some help somewhere for that pain too....

But through it all, never be afraid to cry.

Yes I am trying to find a good program but it is hard because I literally live by myself with a cat. One of my friends told me "I hit the floor" when he broke up with me, so I guess if it is obvious to her it must be true. I'm trying to make the time to get into treatment - it's actually kind of difficult.:confused:

If you really are spirit-oppressed, then you won't be able to just wish it away.
The 12 steps of AA capture the essence and power of the Gospel without the jargon and doctrinal baggage. But hunting for the right AA group is like hunting for a new girlfriend. I'd encourage you to visit a few AA groups in search of the right chemistry for community bonding. It will change your life.

. When you drink, you are like an open vacuum, you are taking in a lot more negative energy than what you think you are, plus you are poisoning your body & dehydrating yourself.

(Sorry I am being bombarded by people right now so I was totally thrown off) I think even before you started really abusing alcohol, there might have been some identity issues going on...maybe on a subconscious level. You said yourself, that it was over a ridiculous relationship that wasnt even long term...whatever triggered that feeling, really spun you around. I dont think he is possessing you...as much as I think you are identifying yourself with him. I agree with Tobi, you need a good counselor to help you sort through everything, you also need to realize that you were abusing alcohol before this relationship started...and it doesnt matter if you were a happy drunk or a sad drunk....most all alcoholics start out as happy drunks or else it wouldnt be so tempting...prolong use always turns out the same...into sad drunks. You are not thinking straight if you have been abusing alcohol this long...there are issues that you need to face head on about yourself & your life. You need to find out who you are, what you are, & anything else you need answers to, to put you into a place of peace with your life.

You worked your way up to this level of use (abuse) over time, and you can work your way in the opposite direction back down... Habitual behavior is learned/conditioned and becomes ingrained - subsequently, it can be deconditioned and reversed... Consider setting up a very rigid/strict regimen in which you reduce the amount of alcohol that you allow yourself to consume, and then gradually decrease this amount in increments over predetermined intervals of time... Like you are weening yourself down - and this will give your body and mind time to adjust & acclimate, it won't be too much shock to your system... Also as others have noted and you have acknowledged - the supreme importance of finding some form of counseling or medium by which you can address and process the underlying emotional pain/wounds/conflicts which are serving to influence you to want to alter your regular waking state of consciousness... To address the drinking behavior without also addressing the underlying cause that is fueling the behavior would be like trying to heal/cure an illness by treating only the symptoms. The drinking is the 'symptom' here and your emotional pain is the 'cause'...

I wish you well Lotus... You can find yourself again (the real you in there), and when you achieve this it will be a glorious victory for you. You absolutely can do this!

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