Jokes - one-liners/question and answers!
Hi - I particularly like one-liners so here are some to be going on with and I welcome hearing any that have made you laugh. :smile:
- A dyslexic walks into a bra.... - The meek shall inherit the earth...they're too weak to refuse - The meek shall inherit the earth...if that's O.K with the rest of you? - I had the right of way but he had the truck! - Now that I'm cured of schizophrenia, where am I when I need me? - When is the worst time to have a heart attack? When playing charades..... (a visual one) - A childish (but amusing) knock knock joke: Holding a glass of water (sipping it nonchalantly), say "knock knock" "who's there?" "John" "John who?" (chuck water over them) "John The Baptist!" - Knock knock - who's there? Wurlitzer...........wurlitzer who? (curls up lip, aka Elvis style) wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show.. - A spiritual seeker goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything" :smile: |
:D
What's the first sign of madness? Suggs at the front door What is the world's most common owl? A teat What is Rupert the Bear's middle name? The *ahem* I'll stop now before they get really awful............. :tongue: |
Here are some more:-
- How do you keep an idiot in suspense?..........(I'll tell you later) - Beethoven was so deaf, he thought he was a plumber - Hard work never killed anyone....but why take a risk? - I was an Atheist, until I realised I was God. - Doctor tells a man "you've got hypercondria"; man says "not that as well!" - Sceptics may or may not rule, O.K? - If you talk to God you're praying - if he talks back you're schizophrenic - When you wake up in the morning SMILE, and get it over with (W.C.Fields) - I wouldn't say he's emotional, but he cries if a traffic light is against him - How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's the system that needs changing! - How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has got to WANT to change... Famous last words - "what does this button do?" - "nice doggie...." - "pull the pin and count to what?" - "don't be so superstitious" - "now watch this!" :happy6: :icon_eek: :rolleyes: :laughing7: |
Thanks for contributing Sarah - was kind of hoping others would too....hint, hint!!!!
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these must be british jokes because i found none funny ¬_¬
sorry |
Quote:
What was your mood like before you started to read them? Kind of requires a receptive state... :angry1: :confused2: Oh well, he who laughs last didn't get the joke....and he who doesn't even laugh....well, got a punchline for that Neko? How about sharing some one-liners YOU find funny - this is supposed to be a thread, i.e. I welcome other people's one-liners/question and answers. Come on....easy to criticise....care to be creative? positive? funny even? :sad3: |
How many goths does it take to screw a lightbulb? Hahahaha~~~~ Endless answers...
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Stewart Francis Stand Up Jokes
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." "I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...." I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice." "I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth." "I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer." "There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians." "Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me" "I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified" "My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic" "My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife" "Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..." source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/...ncisjokes.html |
My favorite from the post above:
"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians." "Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me" "My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic" This guy's funny! I've never heard of him. I will look for a vid. :)) I like Pablo Fransisco. About psycho chicks: "Do you love her Pablo??! Tell me!!!" "Yeah she's my mom, WT*!!! >.<" |
Thanks Sybilline - glad you enjoyed Stewart Francis' one liners! :smile:
Am happy to promote his comedic talent here - this Canadian is rapidly gaining the recognition he so richly deserves. His dry delivery just adds to the good jokes he has honed. :wink: |
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