Haiku for Sean 3/3/87 ~ 2/14/10
 

I came up with this Haiku for my Sean, inspired by the recent thread, "I Wanna Haiku With You" ~

My son, I see him.
Smiles at me from worlds away,
Comforts me, at last.

SG you made me cry! that's beautiful. big hugs to you hunni xxxxxxxxxxx

Eh, I made myself cry, too, Jules~
Thanks.
:hug2:

That is quite beautiful and immensely moving... thank you for sharing it :hug3:

For you Silvergirl :hug2:


The light of your love
Bright as the sun in the sky
Sean shines in your heart


* * * *

Ohhhh! Wind of Grace~that's so kind & sweet of you!
That's beautiful, girl~

That is so lovely, silvergirl. The last line defines the destinations of our souls---towards the embrace and comfort of our lost loved ones. I often imagine this blessed moment, and feel a glimmer of hope when I do.

Continued comfort and peace for you and for your dear heart.~~~~

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.

...from Gibran's excerpt post #11, really stands out to me, the whole thing is a masterpiece, and I like the paragraph above it about the shepherd trembling before the King, too. His writings are just so beautiful and touch my soul so completely.

I wanted beautydylan's poem to be included here.

I wrote this one for Silvergirl and her son, as yet it doesn't have a title.

As the seasons come and go,
I look back on the past.
Thinking how quickly time has flown;
Wondering where it's gone.

I think back on the past events;
Look at your photo again.
I still miss you and want to ask
Where are you now?

I remember all the fun times we had.
I shared your laughter and your pain,
Now there's nothing left
Except your photo on the wall.

I was just reading a Readers Digest I filched from my doctor's office a month or so ago (juust kidding) and found a couple that I wanted to share here, because the one thing, the one activity Sean and I enjoyed almost more than anything (besides his favorite TV shows and video games) was a good joke / a good laugh.


Everyone in our neck of the woods knows that trailer parks and tornadoes are not a good mix. So my brother-in-law wasn't the least bit surprised when the lead story on our local news was about a tornado wiping out a mobile home factory.

"Look at that," he said. "Got them in the larval stage."
Pete May, Smithville, Missouri

mmmmmmmm


mmm


*

We would've laughed at those, we really would, heh.

:fish:

It's been a long time since I've posted anything about my son. I guess partly because I think people get tired of hearing about it, not reflecting badly just it's old news, and partly because some of the stuff is morbid and unpleasant and sad. I may be sort of stuck in a panic type mode, one where I'm going through a non-acceptance phase. Maybe I can say something now on here because (I HOPE) I'm coming out of that phase. I've been sleeping a lot more, so not like me. When I make up my shopping list and to-do list, I don't get on the stick like I used to. I ask myself, gee, do I really need that? I used to see these things on my lists with such purpose! Now I just laugh. I can live another day without X or doing X. wow. So different. I find myself wanting to mostly hide away from the world a lot. Sigh. Maybe just another phase.
:fish: :fish: :fish:

Tiss~~~~~:hug2:

Some are born;

Some men die beneath one infinite sky.

There'll be war, there'll be peace.

But everything one day will cease.

All the iron turned to rust;

All the proud men turned to dust.

And so all things, time will mend.

So this song will end."

Pink floyd

I sit here at the computer and read something funny, I laugh, then cry, (repeat a few times), feel a bit crazy~ and then say to myself, "I would do anything to find him / bring him back" with such earnestness...then I think, everyone who's lost a loved one has said that very thing and felt that earnestness. I somehow still feel very alone, as if I'm the first to have thought it, felt it.

I think of all the philosophies, beliefs, emotions expressed here on this forum and try to put my feelings in amongst it all, like a single card in a deck of cards, how, where, why even, does my feelings about losing my son fit into all this? How does it work?

I tell my son, I'm trying to not cry and feel bad, I AM. I am trying, son. It's so very hard. So far, I'm pretty lousy at it. I have had some successes and good feelings about it all. The cursed holiday season is upon us, can't help but think about your first Halloween, I have a picture of you with a home-made Robin Hood costume, your sweet little innocent face...another picture of you asleep, so innocent. Yeah, plenty of wide-awake not-so-innocent moments, but none of that matters anymore except for how sorry I am, how much I wish you were still here with me.

My son's death makes me feel like a little girl, cry like a a little girl ~ no concern for maintaining dignity, no caring about proper comportment, just a primal rage. Somehow I thought things would get better with time. Right now, I feel like I'm going backwards. I guess that happens sometimes.

All of the things previously posted still hold true. It just varies in intensity like the sun, clouded over some days, full on the next, cold wind blows ~ too hot to handle the next. Now that poor David' not here to shield me, when the thoughts of you being gone visit, they are inTENSE.

Just this moment, I thought back to when my son would get enraged when I would emote (cry) about something ~ I think he was already mourning his life, he couldn't handle whatever thoughts and feelings were going on in side him ~ I feel the same way about being around people most of the time lately, because oftentimes people will ask do you have any children. I ask people that myself. Then I say ups, I did have one, but he's 'gone'. There is something about people's reactions that fuel the intensity of my grief for the ensuing moments anyway. It's very tough to deal with. So, I can now comfort myself knowing that it's a normal reaction over losing my only son. When people ask that, I think most of the time people think it's a safe and happy subject, never really thinking that children die, too.

I've tried to stop saying I'm sorry, but I don't know that I ever will. I love you.
:fish:

Silvergirl :hug:

Silvergirl, my heart aches for your precious loss. Just want you to know I care deeply and I'm so very sorry. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Beautiful son, beautiful mom.

Thanks a bunch, Sarian. It means so much to know that people care, even if it is hard to take. I was just having a good cry because I started reading a book about genetics called The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins ~ I never expected it to affect me in a sentimental way.

(((((((((SG)))))))))) I have been wanting to read Richard Dawkins books...sounds like it's very good. We never know what will affect us. Your son was about a year older than my oldest son. I went through some difficult times when I feared for his life. But still I can't imagine. I'm so very sorry.

The Fabric of Our Lives~*
 

My grandmother lived with the fam growing up. She learned how to sew by hand at age 12. She became a great seamstress and could make anything from doll clothes to wedding gowns. I remember the many times we went shopping and watching as big giant bolts of fabric were rolled out and measured and cut, and all the 'notions', such as zig-zag brick-a-brack (heehee that tickles), a sewer would know what that is...the buttons, zippers even. It's fun and warm to reminisce about my grandma and her talent at sewing. By the time I was a teen, I tried my hand at a few things, some of which were actually wearable, rofl. Yeah, I got lucky a few times.

Yesterday was a verrry emotional day for me, being the Sunday before Valentine's Day ~ many here have read umpteen times about the death of my son on Valentine's Day of 2010. So, it was a day of sadness and many tears. I had been bummed out all day yesterday until I thought of the song I discovered for James (WhiteShaman) that I myself love and find that the more I listen to that song, the more fascinated I am with the youtube video ~

Anyway, my usually quiet neighbor decides to watch a late night movie ~ and THEN play a video game ~ loudly. I resign myself to the times he plays his TV really loud ~ especially when there's a GAME on ~ any popular sports game ~ I have no TV myself...but I was disgruntled and had no choice but to go online and fart around for a while and I listened to that song ("Pink") a few times. That always lifts my spirits and puts a smile on my face.

The funny thing is when I finally am able to go to sleep, I wake up and realize just how deeply I sleep, which is a good thing...so, this morning I woke up, and I really got to thinking about things after thinking that tomorrow is the date ~ 2-14-12 ~ Valentine's Day 2 years after my son's death. I cried of course...I got to thinking about our lives ~ in terms of each of our lives is like a blueprint ~ or a bolt of fabric. Are all of our lives 'done' before we're born? When the fabric runs out on each of our 'bolts' our lives are over? Or do we choose here and there, this and that, the events and choices in our lives? My son's ran out before mine. I cried a lot at that thought.

I'm thinking about the movie, The Matrix. I'm thinking about what goes on in modern day life, the internet and all. I think about the youtube video Pink. Steve Tyler's a rock star. But nowadays, so are we. We wouldn't know him from adam and we wouldn't know each other from adam if it weren't for the computer. Haha~We're all friggin' rock stars, baby! But I'm sad my son's bolt of fabric ran out before mine. Boy, did I cry over that thought. It's just a new, different way of looking at it.

I think about us on this internet meeting place, comparing our 'bolts', what's your life like? How long will it end up being? I was woken up by being in a position where I could hear the blood coursing through my cluttered carotid artery. I wonder when's something in my head gonna explode and there I go. Why did my son's bolt run out first when mine should have. Now what? It still don't feel right. Now what do I do with myself? His life brought so much meaning to mine. His life was my life. In spite of how bad things were going. I 'willed' his life to be good...get better...it -didn't- work. Sigh. I wished so much for his life to be good. Just like any parent.

That is a very beautiful and moving post Silvergirl. It's so touching the words you have used about the bolt of fabric and how it's related to your grandmother. It has moved me to tears.

I have a family friend who is going for an MRI scan tomorrow. He found out a couple of weeks ago that he's got prostate cancer. They are doing the scan to see if the cancer has spread or not. And then he starts a course of radiotherapy once they get the results and whatnot. Not only does his scan fall on Valentine's day...it's also his birthday tomorrow. :icon_frown:

As you already know, you'll be very much in my thoughts tomorrow. :hug:

Wishing the best for your family friend.

I'm truly glad you enjoyed reading it.
:hug:

Hugs and blessings to you my friend as I can see from the dates on your post that tomorrow brings with it for you that which I can only imagine I understand.
You are very special.............:hug3:

James

very heartfelt words silver girl....you know when I lost my brother a few years ago..I observed my mother after his death. She had lost many close loved ones over her lifetime, but to lose my brother, was deeply painful for her. I remember her asking many years after..I dont why he had to die..In that moment I sensed losing him was the most painful of all the loved ones she had lost in her life. :hug3: ( I apologize if I have already shared this, but it felt right for how you are feeling in your post)

I don't doubt it...my mom lost one of her 2 sons from her first marriage when he was killed in a car accident at 18 ~ 4 days before my 14th birthday. I remember hearing her downstairs in the kitchen talking and crying over it with grandma while I'd be upstairs having just gone to bed. Now I know the feeling, too. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.