Please help...dont know what to do!
 

Hello All,
Please bear with me ....am telling a long story.I need insight and advice how to deal with my situation .

I am a 42 year old single mother (lost my husband in a car crash 2 yrs ago) with 2 lovely teens and mum staying with me .
I met this person on an online dating site on the insistence of my friends who felt i needed to move on.He is an Airline pilot having served in the navy for 22 years ...he is 47 yrsold.He is going through a difficult divorce ,has two children (16 and 14) who dont speak to him well.Since the beginning i felt something amiss about the stories i heard from him. Yet i went ahead and decided to trust him as he assured me time and again that this is it and we had found true love .We had common ground with our faiths and spirituality .

The following has happened over 6 months ....I met him in january this year.

He got involved gradually with my family ....came home and met the kids and mum and slowly i told my extended family too.Everyone was very happy for me .
He started helping me out with my work etc though it has been a long distance relationship .

One month into the relationship my friend found him back on the site and chatted up with him to see how far he would go.He was ready to meet her and even had explicit conversations with her .I confronted him and he apologised profusely saying he is lonely as hassled and did it as an escape and promised to get off the site .I believed him.

I was shaken but chose to give it another chance.He told his family about me and even made me talk with his sisters and mum.After a month or so again i felt something off and decided to check myself .He was back on the site and it was a huge shock.I had made a false profile (not proud of it) and soon he was chatting with me wanting to meet and exchanging information about himself openly and even invited me over to his house for sex.I confronted him again telling him it was me and he was again sorry and begged me to take him back.He said he wanted to change and couldn't do it without my help. I chose to hang around though the seed was sown for good but I wanted to genuinely help.

I recently visited him and stayed with him for 10 days.He was flying for 2 days ,that is when i checked his laptop and found his profile on a new adult website .His profile said they are a couple looking for couples and singles for no strings attached fun with pictures posted without any faces.His tendencies show perversion and deep rooted issues

Same story...i asked him and he now says he has realised it is a sickness ....and is seeking psychiatric help even though it can destroy his career.He has sent me proof of his visits to the doc.He says he is changing fir himself and is sick and tired of this muck.But now i dont believe him and cant bring myself to trust him. He says he confessed everything to his mother and sisters and is getting help .

Is asking me to not let this beautiful relationship go and has even threatened suicide.This is what is scaring me and so i am still in touch with him though have made it clear i can only be a friend .

He says he is working on his problem and will face me only once he changes into the man i thought he was.

I am at my wits end and dont know how to handle this .I feel i am just setting myself up for a lifetime of betrayal and he can always falter again and blame it on his illness.I have suggested to him to continue as friends but he says we cant go back to being friends after all that we shared.

I am sorry i know i am venting .I need a spiritual perspective on this as i want to help though i doubt he can be helped.This is a very difficult time for me as my love for him is too deep and i cant seem to get myself out of this situation ,try as i may.

Thank you for reading this ...

Please advice

May you soon find the strength and courage to sabotage the relationship before it sabotages you.


Threatening suicide is often a form of manipulation.

I don't think there's a spiritual perspective to this and there won't be a happy ending if you continue.

You say you love him deeply - learn to love yourself even deeper. Trust your doubts!

Yes, it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of betrayal. Even if he has a psychiatric disorder the outcome of treatment can't be predicted. Too often both soft and hard remedies are only temporary. Think of it like this - treatment can't go on forever and the shrinks eventually have to plug the patients back into the system that caused the problems in the first place.

Probably best to send him a moderately kind but neutral email to the effect that you feel you and he don't have the makings of a permanent and happy relationship so it's best to call it a day. No need to mention dented trust though trusting him would surely be difficult. Avoid any emotional stuff. LOL, look on it as if you're turning someone down for a job: regrets but that's how it is.

If you're both on social media you have to choose whether to block him - according to whether you think he may make bad remarks about you.

You'll almost certainly get a response that will be some shade of pleading because of his insecurities; but he has shown himself perfectly able to join dating sites (behind your back, presumably) and find his own way forward so you need feel no bad conscience about him. Free yourself and make your own way forward.

Taking this kind of action will free you more than engaging in further emotional clap-trap. Cut your losses and know that not everyone is like this so you can move forward open minded with an uncluttered heart.

Best wishes with sorting it out.
:hug:

Thank you deeply Ocean Breeze,Tomma and Lorelyen .

Ddep down we usually know what to do but we just need to hear it from others .

Thank you for your time .It means a lot .

Iris.

He puts the pressure on you to help him change. That is a manipulative move. He's 47 years old. He isn't going to change.

Perpetrators feel guilt when they are caught. Not when they are doing what they are not supposed to do.

You would like a spiritual perspective so...

Nothing we do here is ever a waste of time. We will always add to the expansion of the Universe and the knowing of Ourselves. It is only, then, a matter of deciding what we want to feel while we are here. Do you want to hang around with this man a little while longer so you really experience the yearning for honesty and loyalty that it will create in you? Or do you want to say goodbye, dear one, thank you for helping me so clearly understand how I want to love and be loved. Be well in your journey.

Either way, at the end of the day we all have gratitude for everything that we experienced so the choice is yours.

good god that was fantastic.

I had the same reaction.

Wow ...thank you all for your feedback.I need to let go.Maybe i am being silly thinking that he will actually change and become the person i had thought he was .....his words .

Do you think it is possible to stay friends and not cut off completely .Would it be the right thing to do ....when i know that i cannot expect anything now ?

He is still in touch with me ....desparately apologizing and trying to get us back to normal ....saying i realise i have a problem and am getting therapy.Getting therapy for us ...

I cant believe anything he says though .....i feel i need therapy too.

Thank you all ,

Iris