Confused and lonely
 

Hi so ever since I can remember, I've always had this deep sadness and loneliness and I think its because of the fact that I am from elsewhere other than this world - another dimension perhaps the 6th I only vaguely remember

Anyway, when I was 19 I had a mega "breakdown" at this place where I worked - I remember sitting inside a bin, crying and expressing that I don't know who I am or why I am here!!
This guy of 23 heard my pleas and came to comfort me and shortly afterward, our relationship began - He is openly gay and I am if I'm honest, programmed to want to be straight. But I am also gay, to a certain degree...

Anyway we have been in a relationship on and off (mostly on) for 10 years now!
He wants a full blown committed relationship whereas I have always viewed our relationship as a deep friendship (with extras ;))

Its gone around and around in cycles like this, where we will get on great and do great things together and have fun and enjoy life, and then I will think "holy **** this isn't what I want" I only love him as a friend and not much more

I am not sexually or romantically attracted to him at all - But I DO love our friendship

So basically, I keep feeling unhappy when we are together because our relationship is not mutually loving. But then when I get on my own again, I feel deeply lonely and miss him and want to get back with him again

I'm terribly confused and have been for many years now

Am I simply in need of "someone" and need to let go and allow the "right" person to come along? Am I only clinging onto this un-mutual relationship because I feel so lonely and need "someone" or could it be that we are "meant" to be together and perhaps I need to try to make it work somehow??

I have asked myself this (and my higher self) many times but never get a clear answer

So confused, sad and lonely

Any advise or opinion on this greatly welcome :)

Thanks

Your sadness and loneliness (depression) are yours to deal with and to resolve - by actively seeking professional help and getting self help.

Your 'gay' friend or any other person or relationship can not save you.
You and only you can save yourself from you.
So, go out there and get mental health help.

At your current mental state, only enablers and low self esteemed saviors will be attracted to you.
If you want a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy first - emotionally and spiritually.

"I am not sexually or romantically attracted to him at all - But I DO love our friendship"

maybe thats enough said to realise that maybe you want him to fill your needs of loneliness

First, make sure he knows what you want from him. This is to protect him and you. Leading him on brings heartache to both. And to make this clear for him, you need to make it clear to yourself. You said you don't want to be romantically with him, then don't be.
Unfortunately things usually aren't this or that. Great friendships can have physical closeness in them, even in some cases kissing and sex. You just need to be sure (by knowing what you want at that moment) if you want that.
To do something you are not comfortable with out of loneliness or maybe out of the fear of losing him is counter-productive. It's not good for you or him. If one person doesn't enjoy it, usually the other one doesn't either. Weird energy is always Felt by both, or should be if the people are sensitive to those kinds of things.
Loneliness isn't something you get rid of by having people around.
Think of it as food. You need food to keep away hunger and starvation. But, people might also be craiving food when they don't need it. It's called addiction. You never get satisfied no matter how much you consume. The same goes with relationships and loneliness. You need to be happy on your own AND have happy relationships on top of that.