When your soul mate is murdered.
 

This happened 9 months ago this year.
I'm not going to go into detail. Words .. wont explain .. the horror of what she went through, while I, was miles away, having an slight overdose.
I was the last person she called before she took the invitation sent to her to go meet under the bridge. I never realized she was calling me.
She suffered for hours, and hours.
She was only 18. She only stood at 5'2. ..

When your soul mate is murdered,
Has anyone else on this forum had this life curse ?
Because, it's been 9 months, I was finding inspiration everywhere deep in my spirit and soul from Her. I was the one comforting others.
I talked to my friend who was also her love interest the first time I met her. He was the first one she picked to be with in that field. She stopped talking to him after he broke up with her. I never thought about what he'd be going through, all I could focus on was her and how she felt of course.

This is frustrating because I feel like I'm not getting to the points I'm trying to explain.

My soul isn't here anymore.
Millions of signs, of things she said to me while living with me especially .. all signified in some way what was going to happen in the future. I only knew her for one year. We spent 2 weeks at her cabin in the woods, where she talked about her dad's best friend accidentally drowning the year before and how it was the first time they came back since. Or how I'd let myself sink, just to see how it felt to drown, and how long it would take for her to notice and grab me. We turned into a game, where I'd go under and she'd count how long I could go without surfacing.. then she'd go.. she'd always win.

I was explaining to her first ex how all the memories I have with her are as if.. were peperation for when she would be gone. Like how when I feel like she's in the water, I'd want to go drown, but I can't let myself actually die, because she'd be waiting up on the surface of the water for me like she was before, and I can't let her just wait there, I'd have to surface no matter what.
It's not fair. I didn't even realize how I acted around her until he explained it to me. How I'd just sit for hours and hours in the same spot day to day, fixating on something like a pen in my hands or some object to twiddle with, completely spaced out and full of some energy. Until she would come over, and very gradually I'd slow down, I'd actually see life around me, I'd stop moving, I'd be able to sit perfectly still, I'd actually speak, but never once would my eyes drift from her, never once did I ever respond to anyone unless I had noticed she was waiting for me to respond to someone else. Apparently every time she moved, I'd adjust myself to harmonize with her. When she'd get up to go somewhere, I'd instantly be by her side, towering over her small stature.

I'm being told I acted like the only thing that existed to me was her, when she was around. When she wasent, I wasent even in this world. I'd still space out, staring into nothing lost somewhere inside myself, standing in the outdoor pool in the summer, and she'd notice, and pounce on me. I'd look around completely bewildered, grin, and we'd start wrestling like there's no tomorrow. I'd always let her win.
Crazily enough, all the people in movies or books that remind me of her perfectly, he's been thinking the same thing.
It's insane. Everything ...

I've realised, once I stopped noticing her in my life..
She got worse in her depression,
She started pushing everyone away,
She acted as if her soul was empty
She walked right into that trap set for her by those murderers.

I also realised, once I stopped noticing her
All I did was do drugs every single day, trapped inside myself.

Then eventually, she was taken away.

Nobody can just live on this earth while their soul, when their soul mate is dead. That's an out of balance existance permenatly.

I swear to God, if I had never stopped focusing on her, she wouldn't of gaven up in her soul. She wouldn't of let go. She wouldn't of left her warm home at night walking straight into the forest with her cell phone off, alone, into the unknown.

And I was the last person she called.

Firstly...my deepest sympathies.
That's a shocking amount of guilt for you to have decided to carry. The weight of it would bring you to a virtual stand-still.
I ask you if you could find a way to stop seeing this as all your fault. We are never someone elses keeper...only our own keeper. Whatever decisions you made were yours to make at any given moment and hers to not take on board. She also had freedom of choice. We can never blame another for how we feel...those feelings are our choices alone. No one makes us feel any way.
Perhaps her soul already had a certain path to take and this outcome was out of your hands. We are given endless ways to choose...endless opportunities to pick from. The path choices may steer our lives in different ways but I feel, no matter what ways we choose, the end results will always be the same benefits of our soul's choosing.
I'm sure your SM wouldn't want you to feel this way and would want you happy again.
Bless.

I felt so sick inside as I read this. I don't know of anyone else on this forum who's twin has been murdered,but there are a few that have lost theirs to death so maybe they can be of some consolation to you.

I think Nightspirit hit the nail on the head. You are not responsible for the choices she made in life or the outcome of those choices. Do you hear me? NOT responsible. With this connection, we have to strive...........not just to achieve unconditional love for the other person, but also unconditional love for ourselves as well, and it seems like she may have lost sight of that.

It's hard.. I'm feeling it right now.


It's like ..

a warm sensation, that also numbly burns the soul, as if igniting it, it's too hot in the chest, the pull keeps going outwards more and more, and it almost becomes hard to properly inhale and exhale. It makes me feel like shaking.

That warmth you were describing sounds just like the first thing I went through when I first started my kundalini awakening.....except it was pure bliss for me afterwards. I don't know if that's the same thing.

------------

There are many ways to experience the awakening of the soul and kundalini. These can differ, but usually there's a common thread that seems to trigger it...mostly trauma in ones life.
If we may draw upon the word 'lower' to describe the sleeping state we were in before this occurring...then yes, there's no going back and generally speaking, there's no going forward as we once knew it.
It can only be described as coming alive!

I did a little bit of research on it. Near death experiences can trigger it, as well as meditation, yoga, and of course..............SOUL connections.

Bella, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please give yourself time...and remember you're never truly separated from those you love. Have you read any of Brian Weiss's books? I found them all to be very comforting. And please reach out to us here and to those close to you...you will need to talk...that's normal, and healing.

Take care...
peace/blessings,
7L

The only thing I have to say is that I'm so sorry for your loss, extremely sorry and I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you.
Spiritlite.