Awakening Psychosis - please help
 

Hi there, I have already posted multiple threads but things have not gotten better.
I began to have fear arise in March and instead of feeling it out, got stuck in it via delusions- dissociated into a false sense of enlightenment, a few delusion-fueled suicide attempts...(only the last one was physically serious)
Tried to meditate instead of stabilize and feel like I dissolved my healthy ego structure...so now my sense of time and sense of self is kinda lost...just like ascension symptoms but without the love and peace lol. And instead of having those healthy judgments and discriminations of others that we all have, I just blame myself now, so instanced where I’d usually be angry or irritated or compare myself, I just beat up myself.. also normally I have this spiritual ego like not arrogant but just like “I’m so love and light and ppl love it” but now that I feel more darkness it’s been replaced with insecurity of being dark and spreading dark and fear instead of love and light. I clearly developed a grandiose sense of purpose otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten so delusional, but I did really connect with my purpose of connection and unity, and now I feel so disconnected from that. Definitely grandiose though but the thoughts are there- “you’re spreading fear vibration now and everyone around you can feel it”
Honestly I have also attributed this to false ascension matrix/mind control- evidence being: suicide attempts fueled by random creative delusion, weird sexually perversion info pouring into my crown chakra, sudden urge to google fallen angels without any prior knowledge, intrusive thoughts of dark agendas, weakening of my heart/soul although it could just be due to getting stuck in old trauma, and lastly, realizing that 2 guys who I saw as very spiritual and loving and whom I thought were walking me thru my awakening were actually manipulating me, possibly encouraging the suicidal behaviour or at least didn’t stop it, encouraged the fallen angel concepts, encouraged staying unstable and trying to meditate my way out instead of getting help.
I have all these self critical thoughts and I can practice mindfulness and see them for what they are but it doesn’t mean I feel totally beat up by myself
The anxiety and insomnia has not really subsided even with meds, and it seems like it is fracturing my mind and soul even more- ie self criticism gets harsher and I feel a loss of my essence.
I’ve been trying mindfulness. Deep breathing. Yoga. Running. Nothing stops the obsessions. I’m convinced I need love. Although these might be toxic words - needing love- am I just pushing it away? But my heart feels empty although sometimes I can connect with someone I love. I often try to shift my focus onto Christ or some enlightened being to uplift my heart.
I dunno what else to do- I was down to just give this time and take meds and stabilize but it seems like it’s not improving and maybe causing further damage
So now I have this sense of urgency to release this fear...easier said than done. My fear is of my own mind. I had a healing session with my yoga teacher the other day and she was energetically healing my heart and then fear arose and I wanted to release it and she encouraged this but I expressed that every time the fear arises, it causes further fracturing...and my mind is constantly observing itself and evaluating itself...so I’m afraid of the fear cuz of the damage the resistance to it seems to cause... I’m afraid of my own mind becoming more crazy... it’s not like I’m afraid of a virus that will end soon. I’m afraid of losing my mind which follows me around 24/7.
but I’m convinced if I can harness enough love and light then I can face it properly .. how to do that? My ideas are Meditate on Christ or others, or soul retrieval... where a shaman blasts your soul pieces back in ur heart and you reexperience the trauma. I know this can be destabilizing and I know this would mean reexperiencing the fear I am resisting so hard but I can’t let it go as a possible solution. I even sometimes wonder if after the serious attempt, my soul has just fully left my body, but I dunno if that’s possible. I feel like my soul is becoming more and more fractured as the days go on and I feel the need to reverse it or stop it or something. I just don’t know how to be patient when it feels like if I let things go at this rate I could fully just lose control. And yes it’s ironic that maybe if I stopped worrying about my mind then things would calm down but I unfortunately cannot just stop.
Therapist suggests not a good time to face this fear, however it is creating all of these reactive thoughts...!!
Thanks for reading and for your suggestions.. :)

Read about "The dark night of the soul", this is a spiritual crisis, first start studying about this, try to understand this, don't let yourself be ruled by your emotions...

There's a book called "Thar dark night of the soul" by John of the Cross, check it ( I will read it too ) I, just like you, I am passing again and again through the dark night of the soul, we are in a carrousell, going up and down, up and down, depression and all the side effects are just a result of going through the dark night of the soul.

You feel as if you are the most evil person on the Earth, your thoughts, your actions, your identity, everything seems evil, you are drawn towards dark things, fallen angels, Satan, Lucifer, the dark side is rampant at this stage. Sexual dreams, sexual thoughts, paranoia, instability, suicidal thoughts, this is hell.

Meditation and other spiritual practices have this "side effect" of increasing one's awareness to the point one has to face himself/herself, traums, sad memories, they all come to surface, there'a a scence from a movie about Gautama Siddhartha ( Buddha ), where, while meditating, Gautama Siddhartha sees himself, in front of his eyes, of course, everything happening in his mind.

Watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdM6XRRUgno ( An idea of what could happen in one's mind when one is deeply meditating )

Stay strong, you are already strong, it comes from inside, not from outside!

Thank you...this is reassuring to some extent....I just don’t feel like I’m in a place of letting the dark move thru me, I am in a place where my mind has become reactive, so it’s not like “this will pass” in terms of darkness, will my reactive state of mind pass? So up and down

It definitely increased awareness but I resisted it for weeks and now it’s stuck in a loop.
Thank you so much for responding

Try no to resist to what you are experiencing, let it be, of course, don't go deeper into the dark.. keep seeking the Light, keep meditating, I used to have 3-6 nightmares every night for weeks, months, I had so so so many nightmares. I was really afraid to go to sleep, I used to wake up crying, now I am much better, but I still have nightmares from time to time.

Try this: Before you meditate, think about let's say, meeting the Light, think about this, then meditate, leave this thought in the back of your mind, keep meditating, in silence, your subconscious mind will do the rest. You have to think about this daily, you know, to "meet the Light", remember yourself from time to time of this goal of yours, eventually you will have an experience with the Light, a real experience, not some imagination. This is like an "echo" into the spiritual world, this is what I do and it works to me. One night I broke out crying, you know, thinking about all those beautiful moments of my past, then I had this thought, what if I can travel back in time and experience again some parts of my past. So I left this thought in the back of my mind and then I decided to meditate, after some minutes I fell asleep.. and then later in the night, I had an out of body experience and I did it, I traveled to my childhood!

Of course, you can have any other goal, I just gave you an example, but you really need to have a strong will for it to come into your experience, to reall want this deeply!

Even to this day I am going up and down, up and down, I am still in a carousell but I advanced on my spiritual path and I am still advancing.

You are not alone experiencing this, remember, you are not alone!!

Thank you so much both of you
I am constantly remembering to affirm love and light. Not in a way that will bypass the darkness but ideally to affirm the strength to be able to properly face the dark.

Instead of noticing my lack of love I am trying to affirm the love that IS there be it only a feather touch.

Hi ketzer, wow , thank you. It is my core belief and always has been that something is wrong with me. So I have as you said been working extremely hard to fix myself right now, to be loving, to not act mentally ill around my parents ie forget things, stumble.. (it’s ancestrally inherited fear of being mentally ill.)
Today I was biking and going crazy in my head trying and trying until I started breathing and observing the thoughts and just burst out crying realizing that there’s nothing wrong with me.
Ever since a psychotic break from mushrooms a couple years ago, when this happens, I guess I identify with it and feel like I’ve healed this issue- but really I’m just trapped in duality. The fearful thoughts come back and I am completely stuck and when I’m in that state it’s so hard to not work hard. The belief that there’s something wrong with me is so deep. That’s why I speak of a need for deeper healing.
But...I guess it is what it is. I dunno.. I just will try to keep going with the mind I have lol.

I could just repeat to myself all day that there’s nothing wrong with me but this also seems to perpetuate the duality...ugh