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-   -   Should I ask him why he was holding back on his answers, on our first date? (http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=120840)

olhosdeamendoa 19-02-2018 04:22 PM

Should I ask him why he was holding back on his answers, on our first date?
 
Hi guys, I posted yesterday here a question about this guy I went on a first date and about him having a (very specific) tattoo. I liked him and decided to go on a second date with him.

There was just another thing about him that I would like to ask your opinion.

On our date, there were several questions I asked him that he avoided/hold back on responding.

For example, he was married for 8 years and doesn't have children, so I asked him why he never had children, and the only thing he said was something like "yes I never had children", which basically tells you nothing.

I also asked him about the meaning of that tattoo, and he said he just likes it.

I want to go on a second date, but this made me feel uncomfortable and I feel like I want to tell him I felt that and ask why he was holding back, if it's because he feels it's too soon to tell me certain things or is it just the way he is?

Do you think I should be open and direct and ask him about it before the next date? I think I should tell him that I do like him but feel is difficult to know someone when they avoid answering certain questions.

Am I being too direct after only a first date? But it is something that I would like to know before going on a second one. :confused:

OEN34 19-02-2018 05:14 PM

If it was me I'd ask him again on the second date and see what he says if it's important to you.

If he ignores it or brushes over it, you can tell him he did similar the first time you asked the questions too, and perhaps ask if it's a personal subject he wishes to leave, which he'll either agree or will answer openly.

It is more than likely nothing of importance to him and probably means more to you than him.

Also, it's your first date. Not everyone is comfortable letting loose on a first date.

Asking those questions before you meet is quite heavy, IMO. That's just my opinion, though. We are all different.

earth2bella 20-02-2018 01:40 AM

In my experiences, not being open and honest right off the bat, especially at his age, is an early red flag. He doesn't elaborate when answering a question? One or two worded answers? Is the beginning of a bigger problem, like intimacy and trust. I'd give him another chance but tread lightly. It could only lead to further suspicions if the relationship persists..

Lorelyen 20-02-2018 09:47 AM

I have to admit that if a guy started asking me questions like some of yours on a first date I'd feel as if I was being interviewed, not dated.

There are many things about us that we may choose not to reveal on a first date and if penetrating ones crop up I'd smile and say something like "You have to get to know me a bit better before I tell you things like that."

In the not too distant past I've had guys put questions like "Have you been married?" and "Are you lesbian?" and "Why do you partake in these weird (musical) gigs?" and honestly they tell me more about the person opposite me than they suspect!

"Why" type questions are usually a bad sign. With a male it would come as hints of "I like to be in control."

First dates people usually try to be on their best behaviour which isn't necessarily about being themselves. We have to decide if we want to progress. If all the signs are right, why not?

A human Being 20-02-2018 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorelyen
"Why" type questions are usually a bad sign. With a male it would come as hints of "I like to be in control."

Must say I see it very differently - for me, 'Why?' questions in the context of relationships are more about delving deeper, they're about creating greater intimacy. I suppose it depends upon the context - 'Why?' questions are to be expected in a therapy session, for example - and in certain situations it can feel like you're being interrogated (I try not to shine the spotlight in their eyes too brightly :tongue:), but they can also be a great way to penetrate to a person's emotional core, in my experience. Though obviously it's also important to respect people's boundaries, some can feel very threatened by more probing questions (I remember an ex saying to me, 'You're making me feel weird!' when I asked her why she felt a certain way about something - which spoke volumes about her own insecurities, I thought).

Nature Grows 20-02-2018 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorelyen
"Why" type questions are usually a bad sign. With a male it would come as hints of "I like to be in control."

Why....... are you so awesome Lorelyen? why?


To the OP if he doesn't want to answer you questions or is avoiding them, like this example bellow which made me laugh a little cause thats such a bad way to avoid that question, it doesn't even make sense..then, you can ask again or leave it, it's not bad to ask again every one responds differently to these things, i prob would not ask directly again personally, if you leave it they may bring it up later or maybe not... but you can get info out of people by starting a convo about the thing you want to know for instance if you want to know if he has a dog you could start talking about dogs, if you can't find a reason to talk about dogs make one up, act like you just got a message on your phone, someone you know just got a cute dog! "Oh hey, my friends got a new dog, you like dogs? have you ever had one? I'v got a french bull dog" one example, just get creative with it and don't make it obvious say it like a normal convo, just a chat not looking for info haha.

Of course open real communication is best for relationships but you said you wanted to know something. I can't imagine a relationship working too well if when you talk to the person they mumble an avoid things, but with some things we can also respect peoples privacy too and they open up when ready an trust is made.

Quote:

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
For example, he was married for 8 years and doesn't have children, so I asked him why he never had children, and the only thing he said was something like "yes I never had children", which basically tells you nothing.


Clover 20-02-2018 12:14 PM

My sister and her husband have struggled with infertility for the past 7 years, despite medical procedures, their 'problem' is a very deeply personal issue, even my own sister doesn't open up to me about the topic. I just do not see the 'why didn't you have kids' topic doing well on first,second, third, or fourth dates, imho. Keep conversations light and just have a good time with the person in the present moment. Building a trust and strong bond with another person takes a lot of time.... months. My sense here since he is on a dating web sight, more than likely he is playing the field with multiples until he finds a good match. Your both on a competitive dating trial. So to answer your question, too direct and personal, imo, get to know each other more.

OEN34 20-02-2018 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A human Being
Must say I see it very differently - for me, 'Why?' questions in the context of relationships are more about delving deeper, they're about creating greater intimacy. I suppose it depends upon the context - 'Why?' questions are to be expected in a therapy session, for example - and in certain situations it can feel like you're being interrogated (I try not to shine the spotlight in their eyes too brightly :tongue:), but they can also be a great way to penetrate to a person's emotional core, in my experience. Though obviously it's also important to respect people's boundaries, some can feel very threatened by more probing questions (I remember an ex saying to me, 'You're making me feel weird!' when I asked her why she felt a certain way about something - which spoke volumes about her own insecurities, I thought).


Couldn't have said it better myself, and this is exactly my feelings, too.

Lorelyen 20-02-2018 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A human Being
Must say I see it very differently - for me, 'Why?' questions in the context of relationships are more about delving deeper, they're about creating greater intimacy.


Very possibly, but here we're talking about a first date. "Why do you have such views?" Or why is your life like it is? etc., are to me a sign. Just a sign. Some penetrating questions may be justified - it really depends on the question and context hence some pondering may be needed.

Some questions basically let the date unroll. But if someone asked on a first date "How come you have no children?" My eyebrows would raise.

Quote:

I suppose it depends upon the context - 'Why?' questions are to be expected in a therapy session, for example - and in certain situations it can feel like you're being interrogated (I try not to shine the spotlight in their eyes too brightly :tongue:), but they can also be a great way to penetrate to a person's emotional core, in my experience. Though obviously it's also important to respect people's boundaries, some can feel very threatened by more probing questions (I remember an ex saying to me, 'You're making me feel weird!' when I asked her why she felt a certain way about something - which spoke volumes about her own insecurities, I thought).
Sure, they are plenty of times when "Why?" and other questions seem appropriate but again, one doesn't want a first date to turn into as you say, an interrogation. I love it that people be as they are, their emotional quirks will show sooner or later... if you can read the signs! :D If it's shaped like a V I'd have a good laugh and give him extra Brownie points!

I mean, so much can be detected through changes in facial expression as the chat wanders here and there! Facial expression is the first thing to indicate emotional reactions, wired in as they are.
:smile:

Lorelyen 20-02-2018 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nature Grows
Why....... are you so awesome Lorelyen? why?


Awww, you've got me wrong. The word you're looking for is "awful".

But you are so right in your post, so is Clover - keep it light. Find ways to talk about interests and stuff....unless of course the pair are hell bent on psychoanalysis....

"Why did you grab the ketchup/sauce squeezer like that? What would Freud have said about you?" Must have been terrible dating Freud.

:D


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