Managing Furiousness
 

I've been prone to angry outbursts, explosive furious things that are soaked
in bitterness and dislike for people. I am making efforts to reduce it but really
nothing is helping yet.

I've been a meditator for a long time, and for a long time I have been well
managed when it comes to the emotional side of things, and I am specifically
not seeking someone to give me some soft and fluffy ideas.

I know that anger isn't good for me, I know all of these things on that
conscious level. But the anger I feel often is almost more a total body
experience that is augmented in strength by any tension I'm feeling or
any nervousness.

I do have depression, in the sense of the brain chemistry of a depressed
person. The efforts I've made in that are pretty much the most that is possible
up until now. But what I really really want help with is the uncontrollable
explosive furiousness I get.

I'm really upsetting people who care about me, because out of nowhere I
feel justified and angry, like what they're doing is genuinely really bad. My
whole mind transforms temporarily to see them as a bad person, and at the
same time I can't help but consistently imagining what damage they are doing
to people. Even though in reality they are just normal people.

This sudden sinking has no warnings I've noticed, and even when I know It's
coming I seem to totally lose control in the moment. I've heard it explained
by neurologists as being a form of 'panic'. That sometimes people have panic
attacks, but not all panic attacks are 'Flight', sometimes they're 'Fight'. And
at the point you just try to slice as people.

I have nowhere to run anymore, from my life situation I'm now spending so
much time in my own room kind of isolated from everyone else, and anyone who
steps into my space I feel like an angry dog at them for being there.


Deep down I appreciate my family and people who care about me, a lot.
yet still this automatic reaction comes up repeatedly.

I love buddhism, I spent a lot of time using it to get better and I succeeded
for 7 years. But even the things that worked then are no longer possible for me
in this state. So I just felt like putting this out there even though I can't imagine
anyone having any answers or any advice that would even actually work.

Thanks for reading.

I am Sorry your dealing, it can be difficult in this zone. I understand.
Automatic reactions come up repeatedly is what you shared. Until you get it under wraps, let go more fully, it often will be activated. I think "ownership" is the key word for you. Like when it happens tell yourself you can speak the truth of knowing its not right and explain to others close what you are trying to deal with so they are more aware of you. Not taking it on as theirs.

As an example yesterday I was with a family member, upon walking into her home I sensed immediately she was irritable and angry. I asked. Are you ok? She said why? I said because you appear to be restless and niggly. She said. "I am fine" "I am actually really good" ...So I let go and just went about interacting with her. She faked it the whole time I was with her and then finally her son activated her four times or more and I saw what I felt in her being projected. In the end I let her own conversations lead her to herself, she didn't own the feelings but she got some awareness from me in truth to her conversations. She listened and maybe she took something, I don't know, but when I see that children cop it, I am not afraid to share my awareness. I know myself as both her and him. I have compassion and awareness. NOT everyone does, so communication is crucial to share feelings and issues that need some support.

I wish you well. I hope expressing this out helped you some.

Actually she was more than angry, she was furious just like you mentioned.

She didn't get what she wanted this past week and it showed, she was furious and clinging to herself in this way. I felt her unmet desires arise through the conversation.

Anger has been met with compassion and awareness for myself, my passion to be open and aware and share comes from all that. Anger and rage are powerfully healing to build a strong resilience and become more passionate about life in positive uplifting ways. It serves you well, it supports others well once you get it. You don't take on their stuff.

You show that you had positive results for seven years in study.

Sometimes the lived experience is what is reflecting and showing you are still contained in you. Putting what you have learned into real life practice. Meditation and Buddhism are great while your in it, practising and aware of yourself more so, but bring all that out into the real world you see and notice yourself where you haven't noticed and let go fully. Life begins to activate all those little corners of your mind, emotional body and in your case your depression. Even here in the Buddhist threads Buddhism activates people to get more real with themselves. Sometimes we need to try new things, new paths to build new awareness. So you may be ready for something new.

My dear one, I wish I could offer you some advice here, but anything I say would need to be applied to myself first and I would only come across as sounding like the biggest hypocrite because I am in exactly the same boat.

I thought it wasn't 'anger' because I don't get 'angry'...I get impatient, short-tempered, annoyed and irritable....yeah, all these words can boil down to 'angry' if one really thinks about it.

What I have learned in the past few days is that I tend to 'hold onto things' instead of letting them go. My problem is, how many times do I need to 'let go' of the same bloody thing before it is gone forever? It's all an issue of 'control'...I am a control freak, but only about certain aspects of my own life where I wouldn't prefer stuff to 'get in the way' between myself and the goal, but it always does.

Who ever knew that between 'point A' and 'point B' there are infinite 'Point A/B' where anything can stuff-up and if one believes it can- it will. It's like Murphy's Law..I kept on saying "yeah, I knew that was gonna happen" driving everybody else bonkers with it because I kept saying it whenever I got angry. lol

Even if a person decides to get all 'optimistic' all of a sudden, it takes time for the universe to realise it and 'kick in' - so 'bad stuff' and anger and negative things are still going to happen for a while, until new neural pathways are formed...it has something to do with neuroplasticity.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy also helps and so does relaxation techniques and being mindful about your anger...not trying to 'get rid of it' or 'lose it' but just watch it...see what it does to your thoughts and your body..

We both need to work on ourselves just a tad more.

...and that's all I got.

Meditation is of course the typical buddhist approach. However even in buddhism it is said that change depends strongly on the kind of meditation applied. Calm abiding e.g. is of no use at all if insight meditation is missing.
Having said that one should be aware that there are phenomena which cannot be dealt with successfully by means of meditation when there is no medical/pharmaceutical support.

I greatly appreciate both of your input.
Ground, without meditation I would be so much worse. I have been slightly unfortunate with mental health challenges, and they don't always cause direct suffering, but often their side-effects cause more. It's strange that I only take it seriously when it starts harming others, but of course that is a total boundary as a lay-buddhist. Though compassion for self is just as important, if not more so because as I've learned through this, without that you run the risk of not being able to be effective in acting right, or even in the metta practice.

I am getting medical help :)


NatureFlow
I totally relate to what you're saying, people can often tell I'm about to burst before I can. I feel alright today, so I start to talk from a point that isn't actually in that state - it ends up sometimes inaccurate so I'll try to make sure to that side justice. So, at this stage I am actually venturing into different areas of excersize and mentality. For instance, I am naturally competitive, and I've recently found a way to be competitive without being harmful to anyone else. Often when I lose, I get frustrated with team mates or myself, but in recent times I don't. I compete in ways when it's fun, and when people around me are having fun, and when I win, I find it much easier to be cool about it. Though, losing - is a great opportunity to examine my proud-self (I avoid the word ego), without judgement of course.

The concept of ownership is something that can be pretty powerful, and accepting outcomes. If a friend can no longer talk to me, it is very sad for me and I often feel very bad about an explosion afterward. Still I accept this is where I am and this is what happens when I am like this.

I've enjoyed reading your replies and on reflection I've discovered that there is an important reason to find a way through other than just because of the karma I create for myself. It's necessary, as I avoid being around kids because my patience is so low, and I avoid being around people I love because I feel so untrustworthy. There is a way to get over this, and the method is in ownership and self control. Two things buddhism is amazing at cultivating. I'll stick in there and see how it goes with a bit of focus on ownership.

Ok fine. you have medical support and meditation has a positive effect too. Still what seems to be lacking is some kind of mindfulness, right? Mindfulness in the sense of being mindful of the signs preceding the outburst. Because there certainly are signs you could be mindful of ... maybe you haven't yet identified those? And if you would mindfully be aware of those signs arising then that's the key because either this awareness is enough to avoid the outburst or you could take preventive measures then.

I am glad it offered you an opportunity to open and share some more. I applaud your honesty, this really is the key to the subtle nature of owning/withholding those aspects of ourselves we do not like. Your very aware and doing your best, that in itself is a really great place of awareness.

I noticed through this stage of my own process, I had some key people in my world who triggered me. Sometimes I think we find what we need without trying. Sadly in reflection it is so easy to look back and see what losses come from that, but in reconciling in us there are always lots of opportunities to make amends, continue to be open with people and offer where we are and what we are managing.

I am a fairly open person and I understand myself through process. Anger and rage is really something the world struggles to own for others in it too, which is sad, because often for children it is such a suppressed and not accepted emotion that many parents do not know how to manage. I was one, but I learned to stay present with it and learn new ways to manage myself in it.

The avoidance is part of your own connection building, so those you avoid, if you do the work, can actually become the space in you that can change in feeling in this regard.

It is great you have found a way to channel your competitiveness. That is a good thing to be doing.

Feeling the fallout of our reactive space towards others, can be just as painful as it is to be dealing with anger and rage. In fact for me feeling the hurt of others from me was always one space I judged myself in. Compassion and forgiveness are such a beautiful aspect to find through these issues. Once you find them and bring them to those places in you, the past and issues you once had, do settle in you in peace. You do "feel" able to build through that reconciliation and peace within to make life work in ways where you do not have to be avoiding and feel you are out of control all the time.

Fear taught me about control. Anger taught me about how I felt in losing control. My triggers for that were pivotal to the reflection deeper in me gradually over time, layer by layer. SO even as you "lose it" you do reach a point in yourself where the foundation of it, begins to crack deeper and really fall away.

All the best.:hug3:

Fwiw, the practice of meditation and mindfulness - the positives build on themselves - the insights gleaned...

It's not always how one meditates and practices mindfulness - it's that you just go ahead and do it.

Maybe after doing your usual meditation you could try and invoke the situations you can recall in a safe way that generated this anger ie: on the meditation mat. and in doing so you can identify those signs or triggers as has been said, if you can get a general overview or so called roadmap of what those triggers or warning signs are, you can start to unwind them before they fully manifest, the more you gain insight and do this the less likely they will explode forth as they have.