How to better handle opportunists?
 

In other words, how to better prevent people from taking advantage of my goodwill? I've gone through a very long school of hard knocks about this, learned to be more assertive and critical before trusting. As a youngster I resorted to excessive critical approach to others and it led to me over-analyzing motives of people, being on guard in every social occasion unless alone. It has become very draining mindset however.
Forgiving and letting go then again feels that I'm suspectible to these opportunists. I've sometimes still allowed them to take what I no longer need, but it eats up my self-confidence... while trying to become just like them to better understand the behavior and counter it goes against my core values... even if my root motive for doing it was "good" (to protect what's yours, not to harm someone to benefit yourself) and therefore excusable.

Finding new trustworthy people to surround myself with is hard because of this too.

How should I approach the problem?

Hi Hennah,

Good question, and I don't know if I have exact answers for this.

But here are some thoughts that popped into my mind.

One, we all have levels of woundedness, but some more than others. And those that are more wounded are drawn to healthier, giving people to extract what they can (material things, time, energy, etc.). On one hand, pat on the back to you that you are a light in the dark. But, as you already realize, it isn't your burden to always be the giver and be taken advantage of.

That's good you have learned to be discerning. And as you mention, there is a bit of a balancing act of being discerning without living life feeling burned with a chip on the shoulder (I'm a work in progress regarding this myself).

I think good old fashioned time is one good factor to rely on. Just going more slowly in building bonds with people. Allowing more space and time for people to reveal who they are - they won't be perfect because none of us are, but you can detect "hey, is there a balanced give and take between us."
Also this allows you to slowly invest your feelings into the person. So if you determine it's an unhealthy dynamic, you are able to cut the bond (or distance yourself) with less emotional impact. And those who are more balanced will likely still be around, and your bond with them will grow accordingly.

Also, I feel each person crossing our path is a lesson in how to love ourselves - some positive supportive lessons and others more negative. So, setting boundaries is an act of self-love. Don't agree to anything without the thought "my wellness has to be a part of this equation - do I feel this decision works for me too?".

Also, I do feel we draw to us what we focus on. So, I offer this thought to focus on (rather than one of 'lack'). There are indeed good, likewise giving people in the world (looking for you too), and you are deserving of them. Hang in there, and focus on that.

Best wishes,

Grace

Ditch the victim mindset; it attracts the same sorts to yourself. Learn to love yourself first and you will never let anyone near you again that does not respect you as a whole person. Because you will then know you are worth more than that.