Why so much pain and confusion?
 

There's so much confusion again even though I have just received such a big sign in the church regarding carrying on on this path but I am doubting even God and feeling like he is trapping me to face further pain on this path.I have relapsed into my old emotional habit again. My fear, anxiety and panic has been rising because I am too scared to lose him. It's to the point that I feel nauseous and puking. I was doing so much work on my spirituality and it feels like why am I even bothering? Why can't I live a normal 3d life? It's me who is dealing with all the issues which are showering over me like rain whereas he is just living his own life like a normal person. Even though I know I should not assume anything regarding his life but still... my mind is running wild on anxious thoughts.

You will never lose him. He is always there at a soul level. The body that has manifested in connection with his soul, may not do exactly as you want, but at the soul level everything remains.

Sometimes I wonder if we are here to learn to not attach to the body / 3d, but recognize the souls behind, and that they are not bound to 3d.

I understand that. But we have got these feelings and emotions, and being a human, we can be selfish at times. It's very difficult.

yes, we all understand, but pain grows us. its hard to say this, but you need to go through this to come through stronger. you will come through this very very successfuly, dont worry.

the pain is miserable but oh well..

I have started to feel like this connection must be the result of my bad karmas in past/current life. I just have no idea if I can continue trusting god or universe or any divine power anymore.

I don't know your situation completely because I am new here so I haven't seen previous posts. But from what you say, you seem to be pushing too hard. You're letting the anguish and pain over take you. Just try to relax and just hold your partner. Try not to think of "what will be" but "what is". He is in your life now, so just enjoy him.

Believe me, I try. But it's too hard to live with anxiety which overtakes me. It causes all the pain and suffering. And even if he's in my life, I really don't see the point anymore.i get these signs continuously to deal with this connection in a spiritual way and not in the typical 3d way but how am I supposed to manage the pain when I see him talking to some other girls?

Hella, have you ever explored any self-help type books regarding anxiety?

I can't afford a therapy, so yes, I try to search some resources to manage my anxiety. But I always relapse (I meditate). I suffer with OCD, so everything is a mess in my head.

Have you read any books specifically written to help individuals combat and overcome their anxiety/anxiousness?