Completely self-indulgent; my day of catharsis and signs- please help me make sense
 

So, the man I think is my twin flame lives about 25 miles from me. I haven't heard from him in six weeks, since he emailed me and told me he wanted me to leave him alone, in quite nasty terms. I haven't been to the town he lives in since July - and every time I have driven within a few miles of his town in the last six weeks I have felt such strong energy I have felt panicked and shaky and sick.

I was feeling a lot stronger over the past couple of weeks, even managing to listen to music we had shared in better times, so I thought it would be a good time to put some demons to rest and take a visit to where he lives. It is a very spiritual place, and to be honest I have missed it. We went on our first date to a peace garden there with a fresh water spring and I have felt a strong urge to return and charge my crystals, so I arranged to meet a friend there yesterday.

She cancelled Sunday night and I had a crisis about whether to go anyway. I pulled the ace of cups trying to make up my mind, so, with this good omen I went yesterday. I was obviously in the back of my mind convinced I would bump into him - I am human after all, and this thought excited me.

I arrived at exactly 11:11 for a start - this made me smile. I was unsure how painful it was going to be going back to the place we had our first date; it felt particularly poignant as we visited together in the spring, and here I was again, alone, with autumn leaves all around and heavy clouds.

But it felt so right to be wandering around, and peaceful, and uplifting. I found the spot where we spent most of our time there, under an old, gnarled apple tree on a wooden double seat, and sat there and meditated. I pictured a beam of white light coming down over me - pink light from my heart, roots in the ground. I felt him next to me almost immediately, a prickling feeling down my right side, his hand in mine. I sent the light down over him too, and then our heart chakras connected; energy flowing from mine to his and back again, via a point above us, like a triangle. The energy flowing through my heart unblocked his and vice versa, it was like we were both being washed through. I could have stayed there like that forever, I probably did for about 30 minutes, I hadn't felt so content in a long time. I tore myself away in the end, went and charged my crystals in the spring, giving thanks to him for coming into my life. For the lessons he has taught me. But I felt like the right hand side of my body was torn and aching once I left him there.

I then went and sat and read in a pagoda he had sent me a photo of before we met - the first thing I spotted was a red thread someone had tied to the side of it. Another 11:11 sign :) But I started feeling lonely then, and thought I should head off whilst the vibe was still positive for me.

I felt positive all of yesterday - truly close to surrender, knowing that I could be happy without him and happy for him wherever he was and whatever he was doing.

Today I have crashed; my ego is on the rampage - I am sick with jealousy as I know he is searching for a new partner, wondering whether he thinks about me, feeling desperate and depressed knowing he probably doesn't, as he is doing his best to block me out of his life completely. I feel stupid too, like I have made up the idea he is in my soul family or is my twin flame to give myself comfort. Wondering if I am just insane and bitter and unable to let go in a healthy way. I want to set up a new email account and message him; pleading and getting angry. I won't, don't worry, but the temptation is so strong. I just want him to see me and feel me.

You deserve a medal if you have got this far, and my thanks. I don't know what to expect from posting this really, just getting it out I suppose. And knowing that people are listening who aren't going to judge me, think I am crazy and tell me to get over it. :icon_redface:

Sorry - more - I feel lost today - absolutely convinced this is all a sham and I will never see him again. I am just so confused as to why I feel this way after experiencing something so potent yesterday and so uplifting. The image of the triangle that appeared in my meditation keeps flashing through my mind though - I am holding onto it like a sinking ship.

Kerry,

The twin flame experience is a spiritual journey back to self. You will have many good days and many bad days. God knows, I've had my share of ups and downs and endless crying. This is all a part of the purging process...the signs will be brutal at times. But trust me, in the end it will all be worth it. I have a joy and peace in my life that is absolutely wonderful!!! It took me three difficult years to get here, but I made it in one piece. I need no one and nothing to make me happy!!

Be gentle with yourself, trust the journey, there is no right or wrong.

Kerry,

Logging in simply to say- I feel you. :icon_frown: :hug3:

What struck me in your post is how you describe the place you and the individual had your first date at. The place, and the meditative experience, sound like something that could be positively utilized.

Only perhaps what if you considered finding your own place in nature to sit, reflect, and meditate, only during this meditative experience, instead of bringing him into the visualization, do you believe it is possible the next meditative state is solely focused on the healing of your own being, and heart?

Is that a possibility to find your own place in nature that you specify as a place all your own (despite others may occasionally go there) that is a meaningful place for you, where you can relax and enjoy nature, and meditation for the purpose of healing?

Focusing on healing your own being, as you are not responsible for his own being's healing correct? That is something that he will need to do himself when he is ready for his own reasons.

I have been there where you are at. I have felt the sting of being told to leave someone alone- that they have no interest in me.

I can not change that. But I can change my feelings about it. I can choose to forget the hurt, and move forward toward healing and finding my own happiness wherever it can be found.

You also are capable of your own healing and happiness.
You are entitled to being able at this time to focus on you. A thing I notice with the twinflame spirituality or some of it- is many seem to also perhaps feel or allude to feeling that they are responsible somehow to heal the other (Tf, mirror). Each is responsible for their own healing.

Sincerely wishing you the best through this time.

Sincerely in hope that you find that healing natural place all your own, whether in nature, or within yourself.

Blessings.

@A44 and SP Nicely said.

The only thing that I can add is that, especially when you feel like you are crashing to your death- You are. These are the deaths of shame, insecurity and victim putting up a fight to stay with you but your heart expansion has made it too uncomfortable for old patterns and attachments to stay. They can hurt as much leaving as they can in their prime. It's awful to experience but the other side is wonderfully free.

Think of it as an infection and the body has to get really hot to heal itself. And it's really awful to feel sick but the body does an amazing job of healing itself as long as it gets what it needs. Self care is really important during these times. Baths and protection to keep your heart clear and focus on what is best for you.

Too bad we can't do it all at once though I suspect that we wouldn't be able to handle it if we could.

Take care of yourselves! ♡

@psychegirl, sp and angel44, thankyou. You all make good points. After reading your comments this morning the first thing that popped into my head was "do I want more days like Monday, or more days like Tuesday? I am in control of that". I definitely want more days like Monday :)

@psychegirl I will keep the infection idea in mind - it makes a lot of sense to me

@sp I need to do more meditation and healing of myself for myself. I tend to use meditation to feel close to R at the moment, as it feels so good. I have also read in a lot places that if you heal yourself it helps to heal your tf at the same time - I have been caught up in a very co-dependent role with him, as he is very unwell mentally, has addiction issues and has a lot of healing to do. I am trying to deconstruct my codependency issues at the moment and change, so your advice really resonated with me. I need to heal for me, not us and our possible future. I have a cord cutting and crystal healing session booked for Friday - hopefully that can be the start of looking after me first, not him.

@angel I am glad you are in a good place. I hope I am sometime, and can look back on this soul connection as a positive thing that taught me a lot, whether we reconcile or not.

Meant to reply to this earlier but I've been a bit all over the place (I'm sat here imagining that you actually care that it took me this long to reply - now who's being self-indulgent :eek: :laughing11:).

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story, I could relate to it and I was really touched by it :smile: What I'm feeling more than anything is just the sadness, it can be so terribly difficult when you've formed such a strong bond with someone and they've since frozen you out... it's completely understandable that you're feeling anger, jealousy, depression, and so on, though you've shown good sense to not act on those feelings (I've felt all those things too and the temptation to lash out in some way has been almost overwhelming at times, but for the most part I've thankfully had the good sense to know that it won't help). It's hard to know what to say, really, because I know of the heartache and pain that's involved, and I know how hollow advice can sound when you're feeling so low... but it seems to me that you have a good head on your shoulders :) As others have said, be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to grieve if you need to, and remember that you've always got an outlet in this forum if you feel like talking about it :hug3:

@AHumanBeing Thankyou, seriously.... just knowing someone understands, without advice, is enough. There is not a single person in real life I could talk to about this (apart from my healer / psychic and she is £40 an hour haha). All of my friends are glad he is out of my life as he hurt me so badly, and would completely poohpooh the notion of twin flames. It is a physical hurt being around people and not being able to talk about him.

As to lashing out; that is exactly what I did a month ago and is what caused him to block me completely on Facebook / email / whatsapp, and to block my phone number. I messaged him on the dating site we both use calling him a ******* donut for trying to find someone to replace me, and trying to date when he is early on in recovery, so I know all about how destructive that behaviour is now. It is tempting to bypass the blocks somehow (letter, new phone number) just to say Hi and sorry, but I am trying with all of my energy to respect his wishes. I hate the fact that he dislikes me so much though. Grrrrr.

Love and light to you, and anyone else going through this.

I really am just eternally grateful for this place, I honestly don't know what I'd have done at times without the love and support of a good few posters - like you say, it make such a difference to be able to talk these things over with people who understand, and I'm glad you can find that here too :smile:

As for the lashing out, I did it myself and almost instantly regretted it, I said some truly nasty, unfair things in the heat of the moment and when I reflected upon it afterwards I couldn't believe I'd said such things, it just seemed so out-of-character for me. What I came to realise was that it was basically an extreme reaction to feelings of intense hurt and rejection, though it wasn't until months later that I fully appreciated that fact because the red mist had descended so quickly - at the time is seemed that the anger was my first response, but actually it was secondary and that intense pain was primary, and I'm only just now in a position where I can work through those feelings all the way (he says with considerable trepidation!). So if you do feel negativity arising in whatever form (anger, bitterness, resentment, etc.), take that as a sign that there's some unresolved pain in you; drop your attention into your body and see if you can trace the negativity to its source - I found in myself that it manifests as a specific point of tension, as though there's a balled fist in a certain part of your body, and you have to allow that fist to unclench in order to feel exactly what is being resisted.

Hopefully that's helpful to you, I'm always wary of sounding like a know-it-all :o As far as getting back in touch with him goes, I would say that if you feel there's something you absolutely need to say (maybe you want to explain your actions and apologise, say), then maybe you just need to say it. I know there have been times where I've fought the impulse to say something, until it reached a point whereby I was feeling just the most awful anxiety and I simply had to speak my mind. Of course after I'd said my piece I hoped it would herald the start of a reconciliation but that isn't how it worked out - but regardless, I felt at peace because I'd unburdened myself without resorting to finger-pointing and animosity. Ultimately you'll know what you need to do, though, so listen to your inner guidance - love and light to you, too, and take good care of yourself :hug3:

(Your £40 bill for the session is winging its way to you - I'm kidding, I'm kidding :laughing11:)

I wanted to reply to you properly A Human Being, but real life has got hectic... but, just a quicky, you can invoice me at [email protected] ;) ;) ��