Advice for Unlucky Soulmates: Don't Dawdle!
 

Since finding Spiritual Forums one week ago today, I've read just a handful of the almost 11,000 threads in the Soulmates & Twin Flames forum. To be sure, I haven't even come close to reading enough threads to presume to see any trends; however, I did see several instances of the same or very similar advice being given in the few threads I did read.

That advice is being given to people who have recently lost (or "re-lost") their soulmates or twin flames. Basically, the advice givers are encouraging them to focus on themselves instead of worrying about having a relationship.

I agree with that advice, up to a point. There are some very therapeutic benefits to be found in focusing on oneself. I benefitted from focusing on myself for a while after I lost my (first?) soulmate three decades ago, when I was only 25.

Yes, you read that right: three decades ago (I'm that old). It is that stretch of time that is central to the advice I want to give to those who have recently lost their SMs or TFs.

It took years for me to recover from losing my soulmate. My recovery occurred in several stages, the last two of which were unexpected and liberating. This was a pleasant surprise since I thought I had already recovered. [I will try to describe those stages later, if I can drum up the incentive to try, or to even care to try.]

The following is an analogy. It is not off-topic: For the first time in your life you are traveling on a chartered jet. Once it reaches cruising altitude, it is difficult to discern that you are moving at a high rate of speed. You and everything else in that pressurized cabin are (mostly) stationary. Then, before you know it, the three-thousand-mile journey is over. You say, "Wow! That was fast! I can't believe we're here already."

Can you guess what I am going to say next? Yep. Time flies. It flies in spite of our perception that it is crawling. It flies a blankety-blank, blank, blank lot faster than you think it does. It flies at "supersonic" speeds while you are sitting all comfy (but sad) in the luxurious pressurized cabin of your relative physical youth. "Old age" is your destination (I'm not saying "old age" as if it is a depressing thing, even though it's certainly not a laugh riot either). When you arrive "here," you will probably say, just as I did (without the excited wonderment of a real plane trip), "Expletive! That was fast! I can't believe I'm here already. I sure don't feel old…. …Rats… May I have a do-over, please?"

My advice: Do not dawdle around too long while "focusing on yourself." This may sound shallow, but we really do live in a world full of shallow people. This is just the way it is, like it or not: The older you become -- the older you look --, the harder it becomes to attract a partner, maybe even another soulmate, who is, after all, only human, too; therefore, I repeat, do not dawdle around too long in your youth while you are "focusing on yourself." Studies show that most individuals do poorly if they don't maintain a regular relationship. I personally know this to be true.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that you should go out right now and try to find some random partner just to avoid being alone. In my opinion, that's worse than being alone. However, do not stop trying to find one of your other soulmates! I believe we all have more than one soulmate of varying levels of intensity, based on whatever types of prior relationships we had with them. At the very least, keep your eyes and heart open for someone who may have been your best friend or a beloved relative in a former life. For that matter, why can't there be truly wonderful people in the world today whose souls have had no prior connection to yours, but who would still be very great company on your present journey? Just think: You will be creating wonderful soulmates for your "future" lives. Our previously incarnated selves shouldn't have to do all of the work for us. We need to bear some of the burden for our future selves.

Do not keep telling yourself (as I always did when I still looked young and appealing), "Well, there's always tomorrow," and "If it's meant to be, it will happen."

Hogwash and Bull-oney. There are a only a handful of youthful tomorrows, and that "thing" that is "meant to be" is far less likely to happen if you aren't out there where "it" can find you.

I am still unhappily single all these decades later because I kept telling myself almost every day that "there is always tomorrow" (I long ago grew very frustrated with the cliché, "If it's meant to be…"). [I confess that I did date a small number of "random" women over the years. A lot of other women, both single and non-single, were infatuated with me, but the feeling wasn't mutual. The few I deeply cared about either weren't interested in me or were already taken, because married adults far outnumber single adults, at least in the places I've lived.]

It is no fun doing all of this alone. It can certainly put strain on ones feelings of spirituality, as it has for me. [Disclaimer: Not all of my present predicament is my fault. Fate had a heyday throwing out one-in-a-million obstacles to almost every realistic opportunity I had, thus ruining things before they ever got started. That would frustrate me deeply, and I would go home and foolish say, "Well, there's always tomorrow…"]

I completely gave up the search for "the right woman" (or even the "semi-right woman") about 14 or 15 years ago, when all sorts of things went wrong at once, even though one married woman kept pestering me until just a few years ago. I'm not even remotely interested in trying anymore at this age because I see -- and am disappointed by -- all of the looks I no longer get when I'm out in public. The few who do look at me look away again with total apathy -- at the very least. The same thing is true online if they have even the slightest inkling of my true age; but I'm not interested in anyone online, at all, anyway.

So don't dawdle too long while "focusing on yourself!"

How old are you! I have a sixty year old lady Freind who would think out u as handsome given same age range. It never too late!

Welcome :)
You are not old, you are 4 years younger than my dear lame :biggrin: TF :)
Im 40 y.o., ok Im soon to be 41 but Ill decided to stay at 40 for a while lol :) and Im just a kid lol :)

I appreciate your advice even though it is not applicable to me :),
Im, again,, welcoming you to this forum (altogether Im newbie too) and Im eager to see what kind of discussion is going to develop in this thread :)

I'm alone all my life, besides being connected as friends then short dating then separated from my dear TF (or supposedly tf I don't mind the terminology)
but I never felt any kind of emotions towards other men, never wanted to go on a date with another guy, never fancy other guy in any way, never had a crush or however you would call it, on anybody besides TF, not even movie star or any other person.

So having somebody else or dating somebody else wasn't ever option to me.

Also, have I ever felt any kind of attraction or being interested in another human being I would act upon it - I would definitely act upon it! I wouldn't need nor I would wait anybody's permission to do so.. :)

For me, that is the one of main aspects about this (supposedly) TF phenomenon,
not wanting other guys, not having emotions and not having a space in your life for anybody else but TF.

Or at least that was for me, and that is how I see this part of TF phenomenon.
I would often times, consider others as a background cluster in my life, as if they are don't belong in my vicinity, as if they are draining my energy and my time and my space (sounds strange but yeah -space too) and I would feel unnaturally uncomfortable being clustered by others that are not him.

Also, Im in fact extrovert and I don't mind approaching other people, I'm really chatty and all that jazz, but at the same time, that feeling of being clustered and wasting my time on others while I should be with him - that feeling was always there :)

Maybe if I ever got him (in a way and I wanted, completely surrendered to me) without his "walls", maybe then I would feel more opened to others... but even when we dated I felt like his presence in my life wasn't ever enough for me ... so I felt like others were just a cluster and waste of my time.
("Why would I talk and spend time with person X when instead my TF is now with somebody else and he should be next to me instead of X"- that is how I felt )

So for me, personally, dating or just having in my life other guys wants even a option.
Maybe if I were lucky to have male friends, but I haven't have them (that is another topic, we are talking about dating now :))

Basically, be it real TF or me just being an idiot, I dont care, but so far to this day, I never felt compelled to have other guys in my life,
never been interested at anybody else, never felt attracted to anybody else, never thought about anybody else in a romantic way, never questioning "how would it be" or just "day dream" sort of way about anybody else ... ever...

Also, for me, personally, it wasn't a option just to date if I feel like my stomach is turning upside down and feeling sick and feeling like I don't belong there on a date with anybody else but my TF :)

So far I never regret that, since there isn't anything to regret, since that wasn't my decision that was something I felt... - I honestly cant explain it better than this :)

Also, it is not like that I was ever high on demand or that I had like guys running (lol) after me... Nah... I'm not that type of a person I guess :)
It would be a lie to write that I had this or that missed opportunity, that guys were all over me or whatever... Nah... couple of flirty-type of situations maybe, but I never felt right in those situations, as I said before :)

So yeah... I dont know what time will bring to anybody else and me too :) Who knows what is gonna change in our lives, so far that is how I felt... for anything other than this ...stay tuned lol :)

I also believe we have more than one soul connection, each connection being different and at varying levels of intensity. Personally I have met 3 or 4 soulmates, but just because you find them doesn't mean it will work out, it never has for me YET. Soulmate #1 and #3 had many similarities, met them in the same type of place, they both have the same issue from childhood, they even look alike, both turned into a friendship but both refused to make it more, both had a high level of sexual attraction between us...
What I can't understand is the intensity of connections with people with which I had in reality little contact in the big picture of things. Take soulmate #2, it only lasts a few months than he ran and I left the situation and we never saw each other again, but I still think about him, why? Why would my mind be stuck on someone who I really only spent a little amount of time with? I have had 2 long term relationships and those people don't break my heart anymore like the others.
To op, yes you are correct, life flies by and before you know it you are "old" and wondering where the time went, but for me, I don't want to settle with just anyone after having that connection, I want the connection or it's just a waist of time. There are advantages to having a relationship but I don't want to put in effort just because someone is cute or we get along, that's great but something is missing. I can't explain it to other people and all of my friends were like "just find someone else" but nobody understands that it's not the same. I'm not saying I won't go out with other people or hang out, I would but as far as putting in the effort to have a relationship, I'm not going to unless there is a connection. Yes I am getting older also and connections are getting fewer and fewer in between. I don't mind so much being alone though, actually before I met #3 I was good with being alone and happy to not have feelings for anyone. So why did I have to meet him and have my heart broken again? Just to grow spiritually? I suppose because I have had some major lessons come to me through what happened with him, hopefully it is all for a greater purpose I am still in the middle of it so I can't judge I suppose.
I have also had some weird experience with a random guy that I met while on a cruise, he was in a band and while I watched his band on youtube and loved their music I didn't think anything special about him. He is not typical good looking so I wasn't thinking that I had a crush on him I just liked the music and wanted to see them play. When I saw them for the first time on the cruise, I walked up to the stage and when my eyes saw him for the first time in person I just fell in love at first sight. Interacted with him a few short times during the cruise and had a weird longing to see him again. I have seen them play several times since then and every time afterwards, for weeks I have this weird longing and pull to see him again as soon as possible. It always lasts for a few weeks after I see him, I long to see him again. It's not very possible for me to really get to know him though being that we live in different states and when I do interact it is just short. I just want to know what this is and why of all people, would I feel that why with someone I can't really get to know, frustrating. It would be much more convenient for these things to happen with people whom you have an actual possibility to be with.

I wonder too if I'm just crazy or if I just pick up on things quicker, like I recognize a connection quicker because although I can tell he is attracted to me, he doesn't seem to realize there's something worth looking into there. I mean he doesn't make any effort to start something with me. I wonder if I pick up on things quicker, is it because I'm a women, I'm a highly sensitive person, maybe I'm an empath? I wonder if these things causes me to pick up on this stuff quicker.
With #3 (the big one, the one I call my twin) I was instantly attracted to him as well but at the time I thought it was just attraction, of course now I know it is more than that. I realize now looking back that he was attracted to me very early on as well. Then we developed the crazy eye contact thing and that happened even before we started hanging out alone together. Now at this point, I understand all of his issues and why he is the way he is, still it is hard for me to believe that someone would throw away a connection like that. Although he has not completely thrown me away and has never completely cut me off, he just likes to keep me in his back pocket, but that is very frustrating for me.

Not all people that meet their twin sits waiting vigil. I am in a relationship and have been since shortly after meeting. For me it is the opposite effect. I was fine alone. Now I am not. I won't sit with this all this alone. **** no, life goes on.

Interesting.

I'm beginning to understand "soul mate" because I think I have one - same gender, same proclivities. I've waxed a bit lyrical on it enough already. Point is, it's evolving. New and surprising coincidences happened, still do but cease to surprise. Neither of us have talked to the other about it and I think it's because it just is and there's no need. In fact I'd looked on as a very good friend - reliable, trustworthy, collaborative, for some time now. Met her at Zumba.

I've had a guy chat me up claiming we're soul mates but it was wishful thinking. The cracks soon started to show. Certainly no cohesion like this friend I mentioned.

...

I have had psychic experiences with my friends as well, such as one time I was at work and I got this overwhelming feeling like I should call my best friend at the time...I normally don't call my friends while at work so it was very strange for me to have this thought...then I found out later that at the time I was thinking I should call her, she was in a car accident.

This post has me thinking....

I have been receiving a lot of advice, lately, to let go of TF and focus on myself. It has been difficult advice to hear and even more difficult to apply to my life. I thought I already *was* focusing on myself. I have made major life changes and grown in ways I cannot even believe, looking back on my journey. I am far from finished, that's the honest truth, but I have done a great deal of work, as well. And then I reached this sort of plateau. I have prayed, meditated, and prayed some more. I have cried into the rain and I have pleaded with the universe, God, my soul, spirit guides, any and every entity that might be out there, listening, for answers. Answers don't often come, these days, and when they do, they're a repeat of what I've already been told. I am receiving less and less guidance to get through my daily life, and more of these universal and generic, "You're on the right path, be patient," type messages. I don't feel done and I want "more." More lessons, more growth, more awakenings. But going on a year or two, that is not what I have been given. And I have found it almost debilitating. I have been so focused on myself and changing my life, to be in a place, now, where I'm running out of major changes to make, I almost feel more lost, as though some purpose has been taken away from me. Of course, that's not the case. The reality is that now I am in a very freeing place, where I feel I have been blessed and my soul is receiving the message of, "you're good to go..." and it's both liberating and terrifying, because while I am in this place, I am in it alone. My TF is not by my side and I wonder if he ever will be. I have met a soulmate along the way, as well, but he also moved onto a tangible relationship while I was "focusing on myself," and he's married, now. So is my TF, married while I was "focusing on myself." Two great men, two great loves, who have entered my life in magical ways, who have challenged and awakened me, who have forever changed me and made me who I am. I wouldn't say I missed out on being with them because of my inward journey; there were changes I needed to make in my life and at the time, they would have been distractions. I wouldn't have grown the way I was meant to, I wouldn't have found my true purpose for this life, and more importantly, I wouldn't have become the companion THEY needed, either. Whatever magical connection we shared would have dwindled in the face of my immaturity and drama-filled life. I know, objectively, that I needed to grow in order to be ready for my TF, but it was meeting my TF that also pushed me to grow ...and pushed me further away from him, as it can often happen. Timing is a cruel mistress when it comes to Twin flames, soulmates, and focusing on one's self.

I just realized that I am probably rambling a lot and not saying very much. I guess my point is that I agree with you, Just Because. It's good to focus on yourself and do the work and know who you are, prepare yourself for what's to come and make sure your soul is awake, but sometimes you have to look up from the books, metaphorically speaking, to see that life is happening around you and that if you keep focusing on yourself, you are going to miss out on a great deal, especially when it comes to relationships.

I think there is this hope, and maybe it's even a sort of promise we get roped into, as people who believe in the divine twin flame, that if we do x and y, our twins will come to us. But that doesn't always happen. And I know, personally, I thought I could make it happen, for a while. If I just did all these things, magic would sweep us off our feet and we'd land in a room, together, hopelessly and forever in love. But that doesn't always happen. At some point we have to accept that maybe now isn't the time and maybe this life isn't the time, either. It's not always for us to know and it's certainly not for us to demand or expect. At some point, it makes way more sense to start living your life and going about your business, and even meeting new people and dating, keeping an open mind and allowing the possibility for love from those who may or may not be soulmates. To keep focusing on yourself and holding onto the belief that the more work we do, inward, the closer we get to our twin, can sometimes leave you as an awakened, lonely person. And what good is all this insight and wisdom we've obtained through our suffering and our lessons, if we have no one to share it with? What good is the passion and love we've been gifted if we cannot give that to another being?

So, yes, focus on yourself ....to a point. And then take a breath, take inventory, and allow life to take you along for the ride.

How My Last Attempted Setup Went

Thank you for the very well meaning offer, but I never do blind "dates." ;-) This is how my last one went. On May 13, 1999, a lady co-worker (but in a different building) and I had the following email exchange while we were at work. "Emma" (not her real name) and I are still friends to this day. I've added red text in brackets [ ] for the benefit of additional explanation for this Spritual Forums post. I've removed all original paragraph breaks to shorten the visual length of this post. :smile: Please read the following as the well meaning tragicomedy I originally meant for it to be. :smile:

"Emma" wrote: I have been so bold as to speak to "Judy" about you. She is willing to meet but you will have to call. Her number is 555-5555. Have fun.

I replied: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This message may give you the impression that I am angry, but I am not. I am, however, quite agitated (note the exclamation points again): OH, MY G*D!!!!! I was kind of hoping to meet her "incognito" first. I'm extremely picky. I know that is a terrible thing to be, especially at my age, but I'm just a bad person in that way. I truly appreciate your having done that for me, but now I am going to look like a jerk if I am not interested in her. Please forgive this outburst of nervousness, but, but, but... it had to be done.

"Emma" replied: Just come over to ____ and you can be incognito for a while. I told "Judy" that you were very fun. Maybe you can include her in group like FAC ["Friday Afternoon Club"; A bunch of us employees would go to a local bar/pub once a month and have a few drinks.]. I really talked you up because I think you are worth her knowing. Don't panic!!!!!!!!!! She is busy this weekend and won't be available til later. I'll just say I scared you off and it will be fine!!!! I hope you aren't toooooo agitated.

I replied: No. I'm not too agitated, but you know us mild-mannered types: We are saints until we are backed into a corner. :-) Do you remember how Dustin Hoffman's autistic character in "Rain Man" was totally docile until his brother tried to make him get on an airplane? He suddenly went nuts. That's me. :-)

"Emma" replied: You are off the hook!!! "Judy" says being incognito for awhile is fine. Boy, I hope I haven't created too bad of a mess. I will mind my own business as I usually do from now on.

I replied: I will make a confession here: If I were in your position, I would have done exactly what you did, so don't feel bad. [I believe I was stretching the truth a little to make her feel better.] By the way, hidden amidst all your efforts were some very nice compliments, such as I have not received from anyone in years. THANK YOU VERY KINDLY FOR THAT.

I don't feel old in my own mind, but that's how local, real-world people see me. Since it takes more than one (sane person) to tango, I have to respect their viewpoints. ;-)

I thank you again.

That is exactly how I felt when I was with my soulmate, which was a first for me. Prior to meeting her, I had always been worried that I might get in trouble with any girlfriend I might have someday because I couldn't imagine having to give up on every other attractive woman that I saw too (by "attractive" I mean I am attracted to them, not necessarily that they are attractive). Prior to meeting her, I kept wishing that harems still existed. :biggrin: Hahaha! [My youthful thoughts on that issue weren't really as cheap and stereotyped as I just made them sound here. :wink:] But then I met my soulmate, and all other women suddenly became empty mannequins to me. It took a long time to stop feeling that way after she and I went our separate ways.

Not me, and that has been a huge part of the problem. I almost always waited for the girl's/woman's "permission" before I "approached" them. I even did that with my soulmate, but it was extremely difficult, even painful, for me to hold back in her case; yet I still did it. It was she who finally had to break the ice. My "shyness" stems back to being the new kid in town three different times and always being treated as such. I always felt I was a far better person than they were giving me credit for, so I really hated being treated as "less than"; therefore, I mostly stopped giving people opportunities to treat me as "less than."

I'm both. Which one I am depends on the mood of the crowd I am in at the moment. I accidentally became a bartender at the age of 23 (I vociferously resisted at first), and that job definitely required me to be an extrovert. I did not like bars up to that time and only reluctantly went in them when I was with friends. Being a bartender was the best training for life that I ever had. Furthermore, being behind that bar gave me a legitimate reason to talk to (even visit with) women without having to approach them as a private individual. Too bad very few single ones ever came into the three different bars in which I worked.

I was never, ever in high demand. There just seemed to be a certain subset of the female species :wink: that liked me more than the majority of them did. After three or four decades, a tiny subset like that can appear to add up to a number that seems large, but is still relatively small in the overall context.

I've definitely had a fair share of missed opportunities due to 1.) my irrational fear of rejection; 2.) hating the idea of sounding like a cheap B-movie stereotype (or like Joey Tribiani :biggrin:) by approaching a total stranger and trying to figure out what to say first, and 3.) Fate ruining things with an outside event EVERY TIME(!!!) a woman and I had gotten past the initial meeting and conversation, and our feelings truly APPEARED to be mutual.