Maybe I went mad, what do you think?
 

First of all, thanks to everyone who'll read this. This is a waste of time and pretty negative and confusing stuff, just so you know, you'll better of without it. I've been thinking about writing this here for a few months...

I'm lost as if I don't exist, as I know I don't and you don't too. To try to sum it up. I'm fed up with past and psychological mumble jumbo but I've had not so nice childhood, but as bad it was it was good too. Bad made it good. Pain was the best fun part.
I've been pretty much alone most of my life and I couldn't stand people and always needed to do things my way and I'm not into compromises. Of course, I got depressed and suicidal and went self medicating with sex, drugs and alcohol to feel alive somewhat.

Nevermind what happened in my life, all bad things, I find it all hysterically funny and stupid. My reactions were beyond low. I went through a few heartbreaks just to realize love doesn't exist and I can't love anyone but I can chase cheep thrills, lust and feeling high which last for a few weeks that gets me nicely filled with energy and I'm back to being calm and balanced, not needing people or anything.

I've learned some energy work that I doubt it's real but it serves it purpose. It seems I can manipulate my reality into anything I need. I even play with people just because, why not, but I don't hurt anyone.
I've read pretty much all topics on this forums and I'm fed up with it all (sorry, I'm just being totally honest). I don't get it why do you bother? I haven't written or read anything here for months and I'm not planing to.

Everything is so draining to me. Writing this takes away so much energy that I just want to stop. I can't find energy to help anyone. I don't even want to anymore, who cares. I used to believe in a lie I found my life purpose in helping people, but now...I just want to die, lol. Not die because I suffer. My life is amazing, I have it all, and I'm grateful. I'm just so incredibly bored and restless! This endless search for something is pointless and tiring so I just want to exist, but how? It's like I'm done. This is useless and boring. Just show me something new, I want to get out of here. I want my limits to be pushed. I just want out. This all here is so over, dead.

I killed myself working to make sure my existence is safe, meaning that I'm privileged to do absolutely nothing. I feel good about it. But so what? I can spend my time doing anything I want and what makes me happy but I don't want it. Like, why do I eat or exercise? Useless! I want to stop with the level of existence I'm on, it's not for me. How do you stand it? I'm not into going to woods to mediate till I die. I'm just fed up. I feel like I need to stop existing in this dream to start feeling real.

That's me on the inside. Narcissist vampire, a fake, right? Me on the outside, either I'm like an angel being good to everyone, a fairy, having fun and amazing friends and people who think they love me. Or, I'm switched of and I don't want to be around anyone and I lock myself into my world.

I know how awful this sounds and what else do I deserve but to die broke and of some cancer in pain all alone, right? If I ever get to that point, I'll end my life on my own as I don't want to do idiotic things just to keep myself alive, right?
Anyway, I feel suffocated I don't know why and how should I feel or what to do to feel like existence is satisfying?

I'm sorry to read you are going through this, but it's also something I feel on a daily basis too. It's like I just don't exist, I don't want to help anybody, I don't want to go and meditate and the life I have created for myself is just so dull and boring. I have no social life, no friends and I'll probably die alone...so join the club!

Even today, I was out shopping and I really loathe it. The supermarket was packed, with heaps of people waiting in line at the checkouts, and seeing as how I was only getting a few items, I went to the self-serve registers, only to be abused by the guy behind me with his trolley full to capacity "you are only getting a few items...go use the express check-outs (which also had queues to infinity) and leave the self-serve to people who are buying more things...you are so inconsiderate!" well, I just growled at him and told him to "eff off", right then and there! so much for being 'spiritual', right? lol

Not to mention as I was buying things, people wanted to push past me, using their bodies as human 'battering rams' with an 'excuse me', so I just stood my ground, saying "just wait until I have finished, idiot!" yeah, I'm not one to even help a poor old lady cross the road because she'd whine about how slow/fast I was moving.

In the end, I have just decided to do what makes me happy and you should too! Do whatever it is you enjoy and find peace in that. Do you have hobbies? interests? I came back home and started colouring in my mandalas to cool off. I re-arranged the furniture in my bedroom, I read a book about the Jamaican Nyabingi festival before listening to some Depeche Mode.

Basically, if your own reality is doing nothing for you anymore, change it to suit yourself! re-invent yourself on your own terms! incorporate new characters and locations into your own private game of "Sim lilith" and kill off all the old boring ones...inventing rather unique ways for them all to die in the process. Just start with one small change...do something different tomorrow or in a different way than you do it every other day...hang your jeans upside-down on the clothesline just because you can. You'll find things will start to pick up.

Good luck and all the best.

Thanks Devi. I have too many hobbies and I change them very often, just like I do it with people around me too. I get bored and I need to move on, but I really don't hurt anyone, friends are crazy about me and they call me to see me and all this I do just so I do it. I enjoy it, but I don't want to do it. I don't need it. I do it to spend my time somehow, anyhow.
I'm into art and I redecorated my home all alone and changed everything and still I wonder why I bothered, it didn't make me to feel any different. Like, whatever. I changed my looks too, my close friends didn't recognize me.
I dropped all spirituality, burned all my books and lots of my belongings, I don't believe in anything anymore. Eveythings sucks and I'm still laughing like a lunatic pretending I'm having fun. It all just lasts for a moment and I'm onto next thing...What is going on, lol?

Putting up a false front not only saps your strength, it keeps you from seeing yourself and being seen by others.

One can feel suffocated by others, or one can feel suffocated from yourself. The later seems to be the case here, you are not letting you be yourself.

As to it all being meaningless, that is true. Acceptance can help with this.

Nothing left to do but be yourself, surely its not worse than things are now.

lilith yikes!

You poor thing. Im going to try and keep it as straight as you've written, please pardon that it migh sound bossy. But your situation sucks and a solution is needed. Here is thoughts on it:

So much anger and frustration, so much loneliness.

I guess first of all - never mind your 'great life'. (But it was relevant to emphasize it, I get it, cause otherwise we'd all chime in for you to manifest, right? :D)

But it does not help you to shame yourself for not being happy, so don't fret on it as 'good' or 'perfect'. You are miserable. You hide behind anger, and I guess contempt, that's understandable, but you are actually trapped, held captive in a sense, and that is a very violating situation. Not 'perfect'.

Second, you are so bored that you actually just want life to be over. That means that you are clinically depressed. Sorry to say so, but you actually have to go see a doctor. Spiritual or not, there are chemicals that get stuck in us. Especially in those of us with a history of addiction. No excuses. Your human body is a frail and flawed thing - and it needs medical attention, your an adult, deal with it.

Third, what is missing (part from probably a serotonin boost, to get you up in the saddle again) is your child spirit.

Behind all this fantastic life that you've created, there is a bad-but-over-it- childhood, (that I can actually identify with more than you know. You're whole lifestory - 'cept the part of wealth and perfect material life.)

But the child spirit ('inner child' makes even me feel like barfing, so I'll spare you) seems completely lost in you?

While dealing with your issues, did you reconnect with memories of actually being a naive, curious and trusting child?

If so, when did you lose touch again?
If not, that is work you can actually do. Do it.

What it does, the child spirit - in case you need to be reminded - is make you see Earth as magical!

Earth is physical! I mean, we can have runny noses! :) We have wrinkles on our hands! It is not all stardust and light, it can crash and burn and tickle and sting!

I'm not talking about numbing the spirit with physical over-indulgement etc. Quite the opposite. Becoming more present by using our senses. And in the process healing ourselves.

What do you have around you, rain? A stone in your shoe? A draft from an open window? Things like that.

And even though you don't like meditating in the forrest, go somewhere where there are trees or grass and water. And maybe just a bit quiet. Houses and electricity are more draining than people. You might feel restless, but at least you see life! And you're just bored any way, so you might as well watch the grass grow. Put your hands in it while you're at it. Then you can spend an hour getting them clean too :)

Hey, If you want a real challenge - go live off grid :D (Maybe you've already done that, then return to my third suggestion, go look for your child spirit, she's sitting in a tree somewhere laughing, legs dangling, thinking your crazy and silly, waiting).

My five cents.

I've never known who am I. I think no one can know that as everything is an illusion. I'm god and I'm nothing. Just bunch of identities playing some parts.

Rakel, I felt like strangling you when you pitied me right at the start, but your advice is very good!! Thanks. Oh, but I didn't really explain it well, I'm not wealthy, I'm close to living off gird so that's how I manage, lol. Anyway, thanks once again, you all gave me a lot to think about.

Hahaha...! Those words were not so much for you as for me, but it figures you wouldv'e choked on that :D



Great to hear, thanks for letting me know.


To funny :D Take care. Let's hear another rant here, next time you need to rant. It's great writing!

In the Gospel of Thomas Jesus said "Yet I marvel at how this great wealth has come to dwell in this poverty." That's exactly what you describe with this world and our inner desires for more because we are MORE but this poverty-this world-doesn't offer that more to us therefore we have to create a sort of Faith based Understanding of why we're here and why we came and why we're still here despite our greatness in such a world of ****. It's cool that you found your place with recreational activities and means of excitement to subdue your boredom but I feel like you, along with many others haven't searched deep enough in the esoteric spiritual traditions to find your life purpose. If you go by intuition and instinct alone you will indeed find yourself greater than this world and that is the case because this earth and the universe will pass away but you will not, however for me, despite finding myself in a slightly similar situation where I feel like I've experienced it all and why am I trapped in this miserable world of limitation which I call poverty while I'm rich with potential and inexhaustible strength I choose to remain accepting my own calling to become MORE to expand my consciousness. I haven't experienced all that you describe and aim to become socially adequate to be an asset to society but in the mean while I've indeed stored riches in that Kingdom of Heaven where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt including my own psychological 'Mind' Kingdom where I am full of self-respect which will remain once it's all gone.

Edit: Here are some sites that might help stimulate your passion for spirituality:

http://www.swami-center.org

http://www.askrealjesus.com

http://www.ascendedmasteranswers.com

Some books that helped me along the way:

(My two fav books I hold in equal esteem: The Book of Mirdad by Mikhail Naimy (This summerized 'religion' and 'spirituality' for me perfectly. This is the Book.) and Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Fredriech Nietzche which originally was written in German but the only truly 'Genius' translation in English [that actually uses the term: 'Übermensch' is by Clancy Martin.]
and that's about it...
read The Book of Mirdad and you'll find a way to prove G-d exists.
Read Thus Spoke Zarathustra and you'll realize G-d died. (became human) then supposedly went back to 'Heaven'.
or realize that you yourself are g-dless, which is the true meaning of Athiest.

after cultivating some form of spirituality for 14 years... I've come to find that I truly Love myself more. I'm at peace with the realization that this is indeed my last lifetime, or to put it in another way, I'm very fulfilled with my auspicious destiny regardless because I've put in the work at ironing out my karma and in reality all that matters is whether you truly believe you're a good person, or that you've suffered, or both... (why I say 'suffered' is there are people out there that look back and really can't say they've suffered. which is why I'd be smiling on cancer.) okay also if you're from 'russia' you can look into a psychologist named SN Lazarev. I don't agree with him on everything but he claims that 'homosexuality' in men is cured by cutting out meat and fish from your diet. or oging raw.

Drugs are good imo.

Edit 2:
Some Gnostic Gospels...
https://youtu.be/exIiPeJUskw - The Gospel of Thomas
https://youtu.be/AO4I5tJ2jVY - The Gospel of Philip

Edit 3: an interesting thing about the gospel of thomas is that Jesus says to Thomas in it "I am not your master" and in the gospel of philip philip wishes he could have the title of Christian. (i.e. philip was not a christian.) no wonder they were hidden... Sophia.

Lilith: my 'diagnosis' -- which simply means 'gnosis' spontaneously deriving from what _you_ have so openly dialogically declare -- is that all your talents and gifts (i.e. the 'opportunities' which LIFE provides you with, for _you_ did not 'make' yourself either 'alive' or 'talented') mean absolutely nothing to you because _you_ have become disconnected and unrelated and there is no meaning in LIFE, there cannot be any meaning in LIFE, except in relation to and connection with something 'else' - some other aspect of LIFE or to and with LIFE ITSELF.

Inasmuch as _you_ are disconnected from and so experience no relationship with LIFE (beyond _your_ 'self', that is), _you_ are 'separated' from experience of God (which is EVERYONE and EVERTHING) and, therefore Heaven (which is the heartfelt experience of deep, abiding happiness - which is different from easy-come-easy-go 'pleasure'). In other words, _you_ are, that is _your_ 'spirit' is, in what is euphemistically called Hell.

There are any number of possible 'reasons' why one may end up 'going' there - where "Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched" - see Mark Ch.9 - disappointment being the 'worm', dissatisfaction) being the 'fire'.

In _your_ case, since you are clearly NOT a 'bad' person who has done such 'bad' things that she can't 'love' herself or be 'loved' by others, my guess is that _your_ 'cut-off' from 'love' is the result of _your_ having been 'traumatized' (think PTSD) by intense 'abuse' -- so _you_ have cut _yourself_ off from 'opening' to real experience of any kind of love, 'self' love included, as a kind of pre-emptive 'defense' - which is actually a 'coping mechanism'. That way, you can't experience being 'let down' and so 'suffer' additional disappointment, dissatisfaction, emotional pain, anger, frustration, sadness, etc., etc., etc. But such 'coping mechanism', though it can get you through anything, not longer serves _you_ (or anyone else, for that matter) because it 'cuts you off' from 'love', God's, others', and even your own, which is/are the only thing(s) that can heal your bruised and battered 'spirit'. Even suicide will not relieve _you_ from the feeling-'separate' consequences of such 'cut off'.

My doctor-David prescription: go to an emotional place of deep (complete) 'helplessness' in the above regard, and from there earnestly yearn, hope and and pray that someone or something, a seen and felt or unseen and unfelt 'spirit', human, angelic, or divine, intercedes in a way which breaks through _your_ defenses, reaches _you_, and draws _you_ 'out' of _yourself_, the 'prison' _you_ are presently emotionally 'locked' in, into felt-contact and communion with your 'inner child' (as mentioned by Mi), with others who are both 'worthy' and 'reliable', and ultimately with LIFE ITSELF.

If you need to boost your 'faith' in this regard, remind yourself that 'prayer', which is just wishful 'intent', yours as well as mine and others here in this case, is all-powerful, because existence (GOD?) is a your-wish-is-my-command 'magical' playground, beautiful and lovable girl-child!

:hug:

Lilith there are so many tools availabile to help you feel better. First of all there's a reason why everything happens, a reason why you feel the way you do and a reason why you are here. How open are you to new ideas? What is your belief system, do you have a belief system? Numerology and, astrology are real and valid things that can give insight. And there really are people that can communicate with your spirit guides to interpret what is going on in your life. Maybe your mindset/moodset is a physical malfunction. People commit suicide all the time because of clinical depression that can be controlled with meds. I don't have your specific answer, but what are you doing about it. You have to get the ball rolling forward to help yourself feel better.
My first thought is that people who don't feel they belong here can very often mean they haven't incarnated to this earth plane before and it is like being in a foreign land, complete with feelings of loneliness, isolation and generally feeling like you don't belong here. You may be here for one reason and then you can go home again. If I were you I would invest some time in finding out why you are here on this earth and what your lesson is to learn.