Acceptance
 

Hey everyone, I'm very new here and this experience is what brought me to join a spiritual community...
I fell in love with someone almost two years ago. It's been really hard and confusing. It's a long story. But now I'm probably going through the worst part of it. We saw each other for the first time in over a year a few weeks ago and the night was going really well until it went really bad.
I found out he was lying to me about being single, as I was saying goodbye his phone went off with a text from "sunshine" and it said "I love you baby goodnight," he looked really upset and seemed like he wanted to explain himself but I just said good luck with everything and goodbye. I was so hurt but I did have a strong feeling they were back together and just wanted to ignore it. He soon blocked me and didn't respond to my message.
He ran back to her and it seems like they're doing fine. The whole situation just kills me.

Seeing him confirmed my feelings all along. After so long it was like this natural pull. Something I realized kept happening to us in the past was us locking eyes unexpectedly and it happened again this time but really intensely and he had this huge smile on his face like we were silently communicating "Yeah this is happening again and i thought about it too..." When we kissed that night it was so intense we were holding on to each other so tightly and I almost wanted to cry, I felt like I was pouring everything into it. I found lyrics he wrote about me on this lyric page he has (he doesn't know I know about), that mirrored how I felt, the love and change and also pain when we stopped talking.

I'm just sad how everything turned out. I wrote him a letter a couple of weeks ago that was meant to explain how I felt this whole time. We were never fully forthcoming and tried to play it cool with each other. I didn't write him expecting a response but a part of me hoped it would set things right and we would make it work, instead he is being extra nice to his girlfriend. It's just painful. I think the title "twin flame" is doing more harm than good for me now. I harbor no ill will for him and still care and I try to understand his side even though what he did was so wrong. But I have to let go and move on right now. He wants to be with this other girl. I feel guilty because he cheated with me on her a week after she took him back. I feel played... I mean he's an immature, insecure 25/26 year old guy but underneath that I know how good he is.
I really just wanted to share my experience with people who felt or know about this deep kind of connection with someone. I was/am letting my heartache and sadness consume me. It hard! It's kind of like "wow thanks for this one universe!!" I know I need to change and grow still. I'm only 23, I really didn't think I would meet "the one" until my late thirties but life is very funny. I think that I'm just searching everywhere for his perspective. I can analyze over and over but I'm just wishing for some clarity about what he could have been thinking.
Thanks for reading !!
~E

Hi and welcome.

I am so sorry :(. This must have been heartbreaking for you. May I ask what were the circumstances of your initial break-up? Was he involved with that woman all along or after your break-up?

No matter what particular circumstances are there, I promise you, it does get better. :hug3:

Hi,
thanks :)
No the initial reason we weren't together was because I pushed him away. We never had an actual relationship which makes it even more difficult...Basically we met and he was all in in the beginning and I acted very aloof because I guess I was just a stupid 21 year old who was comfortable not having feelings to anyone. I realized I loved him one night or not that I loved him but that all the emotions I was freaking out over WAS love. And then he acted aloof and it was a merry go round of that for 7 months, we just talked for like 5 months and didn't see each other. Then I felt like we had gotten to a solid, trusting point and he bailed on visiting me at college one weekend. It's a 45 minute drive away from him and I was extremely angry and frustrated and just hurt. I got drunk one night and told him I was seeing someone else, didn't need a texting buddy and goodbye. He never responded to it. I was a mess after that.
6 months later with zero contact is when I looked him up and found a separate music facebook account where I found this poem about him being really heartbroken and me changing him and he'd never be the same. It gave me hope.
he didn't start seeing this girl until like 6-7 months ago after all that. It was time for him to move on I guess. He started reaching out to me before they even broke up through snapchat funnily enough. He reached out on march 6, a year to the day of the last time we spoke. I guess we were both thinking about each other.
He tried messaging me a lot through there but I acted really uninterested bc he went about it so casually. He and his gf got back together after a month. He unfriended me and I was really angry with myself for being aloof again so I reached out to him and he responded even though I saw they were together again. It was stupid of me to ignore that fact but I didn't care. He was the one to ask me out and to tell me he never thought I really cared about him. He suggested we catch up over some drinks. He acted really shady with all of this which saddens me too. Like how he went about certain things obviously was stupid.
Everyone keeps telling me different things and the fact that we spent such little time together makes it a little strange even for me. Some friends tell me he is scared and being a coward, others tell me he was just looking to score. Deep down I know it was more than that and I don't know how much he could love that poor girl if he strayed so easily from her but it doesn't matter bc he ran back to her and is kissing her butt now, even though she dumped him and reluctantly took him back.
I know this was long winded!

Your inner truth is your own. No matter what other people tell you, only you know what happened and how you received his emotions.

I am sorry for what you are going through. My advice to you would be that there is no point in trying at this point to replay over and over the events in your mind in order to try to figure out what happened. If you are meant to know, you will in good time. In the meantime, try to work on yourself, grow and enjoy your life. If this is your TF, you are looking into a lifetime of being in each other's lives :). You have time to figure this out :hug: