Dissolved ego structure and became God
 

Hi there,
I had a profound experience in April that I have been having a really hard time finding answers for.
Basically I started to become mentally unstable, and in an attempt to get better, I tried to meditate. I ended up putting my attention on some sensations in my crown- like knots- and all of a sudden, they dissolved, and my consciousness shifted.
It was as though mushrooms had just kicked in. Sense of time dissolved, my personality; alll the mental chatter, just gone. All that remained, was fear.
The next few days were erratic. I’d look at peoples Facebook images and have a feeling I’d created these people. I felt like I was soaring above the universe, even above Buddha and Jesus. I felt omniscient. I went outside for a bike ride and looked up at the mountains and it was as though I was both here and in the mountains at the same time.
I never stabilized. I waited to long to take meds, so I had sleeplessness and anxiety continue to fragment my soul until my heart was completely empty.
I am worried I will never be able to surrender back to love again, without an intact psyche; they say you need a healthy ego in order to dissolve it, and I have none at all. I don’t know if anyone has heard of this before.
In my opinion what I accidentally did is what should happen at the LAST stage before enlightenment- fully dissolving your sense of self.
Thank you for reading !

The process you have and the way it unfolds is unique as you are.

The ‘experience’ you had was simply that.

What you take from it is what remains.

You as you feel and are now.

Worry and fear isn’t necessary because while your breathing and alive there is always more of life and you to make things transpire..

I embrace what JustBe has shared, and will add that what psychology calls “cognitive dissonance”
happens to lots of people who have had experiences like you have described.

Often the situation is not the problem, often the way we are looking at the situation is the problem.
Your interpretation of what you are experiencing is creating your problem. You have drawn conclusions
that you find difficult to embrace. But you should try to understand that life is not and emergency.

Maybe you need to give your self a break and just let go of the analysis. Don’t try to figure it out, and if
you let go, in time the answers may come to you naturally. You are looking for answers from other people
when you have the answers right inside of you. If you had completely dissolved your ego you would not
be able to post here on this forum.

It is important that we learn to trust ourselves regardless of our experiences. Calm yourself down, be gentle
with your self, and be patient. There is no experience that any human being can have that lots of other
human beings have not already had. Learn to quiet your mind and center your feelings. You can grow from
what you have experienced if you don’t stand in the way of your growth.

Peace

I am not growing at all, I am becoming more and more fragmented and empty inside and withdrawn. It was not a natural process; it was the result of meditTing in a state of basically psychosis. My mind gets darker every day and I believe it is automatic because of the fear I’m exposed to that’s fragmenting me

Growth comes in many ways. So your perception of this space is fragmented believing your not gaining. In fact your in the depth of yourself to let this be known. The emptiness is often difficult to sit in and accept. It’s out of the ordinary. You have to be willing to let the fear speak to you. The mind will unravel and your mind/body connection will begin to show itself in all manner of ways.

Why don’t you let the fear speak here. Open through expression and feelings what’s going on in your whole being. Not just what you think, or why.

Sometimes just giving shape, colour, sound, of those more difficult feelings can unravel and release.