Rising out of depression and soul return
 

I'm somehow healing from the deepest depression and addiction problems imagineable. I don't really see it as healing, it feels more like deepening self acceptance, love and kindness which creates a safe space for split off soul fragments to resurface and be reintegrated. The words don't do it any justice, it feels much kinder and more loving than the way I described it.

With the emotional numbness what happens is any emotion that surfaces is greeted with loving kindness and held in unconditional acceptance and I can instantly observe the shallow breathing change to deep breathing and its like a sigh of relief, like Id been suffocating and now can breathe. Or you know when you're crying and you get that air hunger so you breathe really deeply and it feels like relief. Like the emotion has been released and its time to breathe new life force energy into its place.

For a while there I was waking up and seeing a black entity above me. My minds thinking I should be panicking and scared but instead I just feel love for the demons. Some days I be walking around and I feel love for everyone, theres a kind of understanding with it. Im starting to love myself regardless of whether I even like myself, this love doesnt require me to like myself because its unconditional. I don't need to do anything to be worthy of it, I don't need to be anything other than me.

I went from hating myself on such a deep level my mind was constantly visualising stabbing myself in the chest with a knife to loving myself in a way just because I can. Im not so grounded in it, I can switch to self condemnation fast but the thing is I can catch myself and go into loving kindness also. I didn't do anything to "earn" this, its not an achievement or accomplishment, it feels more like a blessing and I'm the one blessing myself. Thats what it feels like :) The glowing feeling in my heart makes me wanna give.

I dunno how I jumped from negativity to this but it does seem to be connected to loving kindness towards everything. It feels like compasssion is the key. I was at a depression support group a few weeks ago and the group gave me feedback, it was really nice how they were trying to help but the words were very out of sync with my experience. One guy described me being clean as having won the fight against addiction. I didnt win any fight and in my experience fighting against addiction makes it worse because you're only fighting yourself. IME the way through addiction is self acceptance, on the surface theres many kinds of addictions but under the surface its all addiction to escaping from oneself so self acceptance uproots the desire to escape. Another person told me Im putting up a great fight with the depression. In my experience fighting the depression makes it worse because once again, its only yourself youd be fighting which drains energy and causew more self inflicted hurt. Self acceptance resolves the need for your mind and body to create the depression state to protect you from pain. Accepting oneself means accepting the feelings, when you can accept the feelings the energy can be in motion again and the depression lifts.

It can feel like a battle changing the old depressive patterns and bringing in new healthy patterns but compassion and love seems to work so much better than fighting because it feels good. I fought myself and lost the fight its okay because I seem to have found another way.

Thanks for sharing your story. I am going through something similar and I resonated with your story quite deeply. Stay strong it sounds like you're doing great :)

You're doing great. Accepting it instead of fighting is very difficult to do. Most people don't want to feel and so the fight starts. I'm still learning this.

The deep breaths, after observing a heavy emotion, helps move it out. Putting attention on the emotion is like setting it on fire, it transforms it into something less dense. The deep breaths help move that new material out. I always hear it called a vocal breath. It's a deep breath where you make a sound as you exhale. Kind of like a big sigh of relief.

So truly happy for you. It takes a strong courageous soul to find that deep within to overcome. Amazing story. Blessings to you! I mean it!

That is a truly inspiring story and thanks for sharing such a positive message. :hug3:

I am also going through a catharsis after a prolonged dark, depression in which I felt like I was the butt of a universal joke or conspiracy...and this has always been with me, in some form or another...but that which we resist, persists and I was doing a lot of resisting and it was doing a lot of persisting...until I finally said "enough is enough" and went back on my antidepressant and anti anxiety medications two weeks ago.

Everybody sort of got sick and tired of me taking out my existential angst on them.

Yeah, so I had plans to get out and go for more long walks...I still wasn't getting off my backside, so fate goes "let's blow her car engine up"...I couldn't see that at the time, I was really pi$$ed at the time...but two weeks later and 5kg lighter, I go "yeah, so THAT'S why that happened..." Hindsight is a wonderful thing..

Then yesterday, I saw a poster outside a church "Don't ask God to guide your footsteps if you aren't prepared to move your feet" and I kinda went "yep, how true that is..."

Then last night I found an old DVD in the bottom of my cupboard called "The Tapping Solution", all about the practice of EFT:

https://youtu.be/n0N_871A0a8

At first, I thought "how stupid" but I had a lot of deep pain...So deep in fact, I had totally suppressed all of the emotions associated with it, down into my subconscious and so I knew that unless I could consciously acknowledge an emotion, Tapping wouldn't probably work for me anyway.

Then, out of the blue, I saw myself as a child just screaming at my parents "JUST LET ME BE MYSELF!!! I AM NOT A MINI VERSION OF YOU!" They could NEVER love and accept me for who I was and if I showed any outward signs of emotional expression, I was flogged into oblivion and then locked in my bedroom for days..

I also understood at that point that the only one who could ever possibly love and accept me for who I am, is God and if I wanted to 'do my own thing', don't expect anybody else to agree or approve, because they are NOT God...and hence, my whole philosophy was formed.

I shed quite a few tears last night, but I also know that this is just the start of a long process and if I want my subconscious mind to stop attacking my physical body, I have to keep going with it.