Feels like they never existed
 

My mother died in 2008. I was just 20 years old.
It took me years to allow myself to properly mourn her.

She came to me in dreams, one of which I saw her crossing over to the other side in a dream, kind of like a reverse funeral, we were all [i don't even know who the people were] seated around her open coffin [she was cremated irl] in a marble arena when she "woke up" and got out of her coffin. Everyone rejoiced and welcomed her.
Another one was when I was going through a hard time in life, I was crying in my dream (in a public bathroom non the less) when she came out of one of the stalls and gently grabbed my face and smiled. It felt very comforting and I think that's about the time I stayed moving forward.

But now, most of the time I feel like she never even existed. I feel guilty about it.
My mother was a source of some of the greatest comfort AND greatest pain in my life.
Years out I can see the lessons I've learned from the relationship, but it's still like she almost was never here, like more of an imaginary friend.

Does anyone else get this?

I was watching a TV show not long ago about a girl who faked her death. She came home to find that her mother had thrown all of her stuff out and turned her room into a gym. The only trace of her ever existing was a photo of her on an end table. It was as if she had never existed. It was a pretty powerful visual of what it is like to know that our lives really are fleeting and at some point it will be like we almost never existed. This said, you have a soul connection with your mom. It is OK to move on with your life, that is just the nature of this experience, but your mom is a part of you in some way and this experience is an illusion so it is only an illusion that she doesn't exist. Her human self may never be again but her soul essence is something you will connect with again when your earth journey is complete. If you are feeling like you want to connect with her pull a picture out and talk to her. She can hear you. But don't feel bad about living your life. That is why you are here and there is a purpose for you to be going it alone without her this time around. But she isn't far away. Take care.

Hello Ronin...

:icon_smile:

My Mom passed on suddenly and unexpectedly when I was the same age (20 years old)... This was back in 2002... It was very challenging for me to cope with this early on - there was no sense of closure and no feeling of acceptance for what happened. However over the course of 10 years this life event/experience would serve as a primary catalyst for me to eventually go through a life-changing and transformative spiritual awakening...

Please don't make yourself feel guilty for how you find yourself feeling at timess - you're not doing anything wrong. I can understand and relate to such feelings. I know for years I felt disconnected from my Mom - there also weren't any dream visitations that I could ever consciously recall. All I had to work with were my memories of her and the more time that went by - the harder it was for me to remember exactly what it felt like when she was still around and (physically) a part of my life. Looking back with hindsight, I actually feel that this experience of 'disconnection' was unknowingly (at the time) beneficial for me at the time in that it helped push me to continue my spiritual seeking and my inner-work. I do not view how you feel at this time in your life as any type of 'permanent' condition or orientation - just a transient phase. I think the following holds true - the more that we consciously identify with our physical identities and these Earthly lifetimes as our foundation or source of 'self', the more likely we are to feel disconnected and separated from our loved ones who have passed/transitioned on. Conversely, the more that we consciously identify with our higher aspects and therefore our Soul nature/essence/identity as our foundation and source of 'self' - the more likely we are to feel connected to our loved ones who are no longer physically present with us here during this temporary Earth experience. Does this make sense? By increasingly focusing and further working on tapping into your higher nature/identity (non-physical) - you will find it easier to connect with and relate to others on the same level (whether physically alive or not). Eventually you will reach a state where you find yourself completely at peace and feeling total acceptance for not only yourself, but for what has transpired.

I hope this helps you in some way. You're welcome to message me to discuss this further...

Regards,
~WOLF

I dont really feel guilty, i dont think..
I dont know how I feel about it really

Oh okay... In your post you indicated you felt guilty, so I believed that to be the case when replying...

Sometimes these types of feelings
are a defense mechanism. Or the
not feeling anything at all rather.
My husband goes through this periodically.
It'll pass in time. Don't feel bad. It's normal.

I know how hard it is. Lost mom dad three sisters and two brothers. I talk to them every night to keep them alive in my heart

Ronin,

I can relate to a few things you said in your post..

I also lost my Mother in 2009 to cancer. She was the source of some of my greatest pain and greatest love, too.

I've felt that way for a long time now.. like I imagined her or something. From time to time, I'll visit the places we used to go.. and I'm always so baffled because.. everything is still in place, the building, the bench, even the sidewalk is there where we once walked. But I've nothing to hold on to anymore, nothing physical. I can't hear her voice or feel her laughter. It's mind blowing actually.


In a strange way, even though we're strangers, I still find it comforting that you get it too.

Thank you for posting.

You are moving on and that's what your mother would want for you.you will never forget her,because you carry her in your heart.and she will always be round you.

Namaste

I have my own version of this. My dad died in October and although he crosses my mind a lot, it's like that phase of my life has gone. As adults we gained a lot of closure over stuff that was difficult when i was growing up and i thnk that has helped me cope with his loss. I'm not sure it's as if he never existed but I do find it hard to recall that part of my life even though his death was only recently. I live in the now much more and perhaps my soul is simply aware that time goes on.