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-   -   How soon is too soon to move on? (http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=106445)

002 Cents 06-10-2016 09:56 AM

How soon is too soon to move on?
 
I know ideally everything is nice and tidy and your divorce is final before you start talking to anyone or dating again... But let's face it, the reality is the universe loves to throw you curve balls and often times you run smack into something amazing when you weren't even looking.

Divorce and separation is such a lengthy process, so messy and painful all around... Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnle is great for keeping us on track and optimistic even if that someone new is just an interest and not a guarantee.

So realistically... When is the right time to move on and how soon is too soon?

Khalli 06-10-2016 10:17 AM

I'm going through a divorce and found someone awesomely special.

But, I didn't make a move until I made sure my Ex and I were through and decided to divorce. I felt it was ended then, the paperwork is just a formality.

Somnia 06-10-2016 10:18 AM

I'd say the right time to move on is when you feel ready too...But I feel it's very important to spend a good amount of time to focus on yourself and figure out what you really want in life and what you want in a potential partner...I've seen many couples jump into new relationships after breaking up with their previous partners and they were still carrying lots of emotional baggage into the new relationship...Didn't give themselves time to sort their own selves out and the problems cropped up again in the new relationship...

So I don't believe there really is a set time limit on when a person is ready to move on, but definitely should give yourself alone time to figure things out and to heal from any kind of emotional yuck you may have experienced in the previous relationship...

Lorelyen 07-10-2016 08:39 AM

We're all different. Much would depend on the break-up. As you often read here, the loss can wound people deeply, others brush it off.

If the break was acrimonious, time enough to get rid of the bitterness completely so a new encounter isn't clouded with it.
Let light and air into your firmament before starting afresh. Like, kind of starting with a clean slate.

The worst is if you abuse someone by encouraging their commitment while on the rebound. It's a temptation for many:
after a break up they go out and try to fill the gap with anyone lonely and/or vulnerable. Then, as they heal, the error of choice
becomes apparent and someone else gets hurt.


...

Sarian 07-10-2016 03:15 PM

Whenever you feel ready. I went through a divorce and I have someone in my life, but what I didn't expect was the thorough enjoyment of freedom. I agree with Somnia...and the emotional baggage...you might not even think you have any while chemicals of a new relationship are flying, but just wait...once a person is accustom to another, we feel at ease to let it all hang out and it's not always very pretty.

My divorce was final in 2012...and while I love another and he's in my life...I still find that I am finding myself, figuring myself out and loving myself and I'm not ready to move in, get married or any of that stuff. I love how it is now...granted he broke up with me temporarily because of all this but realized how much he loved me so we are back together, but he's also back to trying to get me to move in with him. I don't want to. I'm not ready, I don't know if I ever will be, so he may not want to wait and I understand that.

But if you feel you are ready to move on and get into another relationship, enjoy it but perhaps hold off on anything set in cement because you might just find you enjoy your freedom and not being tied to another.

7luminaries 07-10-2016 04:09 PM

Absolutely agree with giving yourself time.
I would definitely not go on a date with someone who'd not been divorced and on his own for some time.

Those who say they are separated but it's been ages since it was working and all that...well, sadly, not all but quite a few of those gents are lying and they've no plans to divorce. It's a ploy to troll for sex.

Also, those newly divorced gents are almost never looking for anything serious, no matter how many times they may say they are. If you are fine with casual dating and maybe even long-term shagging and hanging out, fine. But very rarely would this lead to something permanent unless they'd already been seeing you (cheating) whilst married and had feelings for you already.

For your sake...I would wait and take it easy. I would not date unless you were ready to get your feelings engaged...and that might be quite a while. Most men say (honestly) it took them about 3 years to get over their divorce fully once the ink was dry. No matter what the situation. They're emotional loose cannons looking to dip their wick in the meantime. Women too can be emotional loose cannons at this time, and whilst you're vulnerable is not the time to put yourself in the line of fire.

If I were you, I'd definitely not date anyone separated or just divorced. To be honest, 9 of 10 (or more) gents want sex after a handful of dates or a handful of weeks, and really they are getting boatloads more out of it than women until and unless anything more ever comes of it. Most men say they really don't know for certain if they love a woman or not till about 6 mos down the road -- and I believe that's honest...love takes time. But in the meantime, most men will not ever love the majority of the women they have sex with...(we can do the numbers). In the meantime, they mostly want to road test you sexually and almost no one is willing to get to know you as you are before demanding sex. This has put me off relationships with most men since I don't care to be road-tested by a hand that doesn't love me and may never do.

Having come off a divorce, you and all women need to be treated well and not come in for more grief and hassle. In order to take care of herself, though, a woman today needs to understand that most men today view relationships casually and mainly for sex and easy affection, and usually nothing more, ever. You are there to be used and to meet their needs...even if it may disturb some men when they realise that they've had to lie to themselves and deny that your needs are greater than this and you didn't want just to shag for weeks and months in a loveless arrangement going nowhere, LOL.

So, frankly, most men don't have much to offer a mature woman aside from a penis, which is revolting without his authentic love. Unless they DO take the time to get to know you...and CAN rise to a true partnership, in which case they DO have something to offer you. But that can only be known the old-fashioned way, slowly, over time, day-to-day.

So I'd probably take it easy and not get out there right away anyway, but rather give myself time off as well...and explore all those things I'd not had time to do before :hug3: Time off for yourself will only give you better perspective when you do meet someone, and you will be able to better assess his sincerity earlier on...and whether he is really interested in getting to know you as person first and foremost, and whether he's truly interested in a partnership with YOU. Rather than just having a sexual relationship or arrangement with you.

Peace & blessings :hug3:
7L

Lorelyen 08-10-2016 09:45 AM

^^^ What a lovely post (if you'll excuse me saying so). Very sound advice.

...

002 Cents 11-10-2016 10:53 AM

That really was beautiful. :redface:

I was just confused because I met someone that is everything I could want in a man and the timing was just so bad. I wanted to be able to justify pursuing that... Afraid I might miss out on something amazing. But... I'm just not ready. I am so damaged from everything leading up to the divorce. If I miss out, then I miss out... Because I can't bring this wreck into another relationship as is. I have major trust and self esteem issues now.

I need to work on me, my indepence and getting my life in order.

If it was meant to be it will happen and if not... At least I have some great memories to treasure. Such a beautiful way to commemorate the anniversary of the day I found out about hubs gf... Meeting an amazing guy in a wildly serendipitous night out.

Jared.L 13-10-2016 09:44 AM

I voted as a majority....I think that you can start over only when you have cleared and finished the romantic relationship with your ex.

beloved_ofmars 27-10-2016 12:24 PM

I think it depends on situation. If the couple just grew apart, and it's clear that it's over, no indecisiveness over their ex etc, then I think it's fine to start dating again whenever the person so wishes. But if the relationship was abusive, it's probably a better idea to wait until the person feels healed, at least feels a whole lot better.


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