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-   -   Was I bad in telling her? (https://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=129449)

astralsuzy 12-05-2019 11:35 PM

Was I bad in telling her?
 
Hi all, I feel bad. Did I do the wrong thing by telling my mother she should wear special pants for incontinence and wear clean pair of trousers every day. My brother thinks I did. I did not like saying anything about it but felt someone had to say something. We went out yesterday for lunch and everyone was complaining except my brother that my mother smelled bad. Her clothes smell or urine. We have had this conversation before. She came to our home for lunch last week and the chair was soaking wet. We had to wash it and it took three days to dry.



Sally

o0A0o 13-05-2019 05:25 AM

No, someone has to face reality. This is not saving grandma embarrassment because a little booger is hanging from her nose. This is a call for a responsible adult to step up and address a serious situation.

My father, like most elderly, eventually lost the ability to take care of himself and his body lost its ability to contain itself. He was living on his own frequently visited by my sister who lived a couple miles away. Unbeknownst to anyone he had a stroke. Then he was walking around in his underpants with a full load spilling out, his bed was saturated with waste, and so on. My sister and I split the time caring for him thereafter.

Her and her husband are stupid to put it frankly. Leading up to this stroke they would interfere with decisions that had to be made for my father's best interest. For instance, he was not fit to drive his car. He was hitting stationary objects. I confiscated his keys. He called a locksmith and had several new copies made. I live out of town. My sister knew he was driving again but did nothing, not even informing me so I could drive over and take further action.

Her and her husband would argue about his rights to the point they would allow him to walk across a busy highway if he wanted to because he had a right to. It was crazy. He got worse and the care required was more and more intense. These two senseless idiots played petty tit for tat games while I was barely holding it together working a full time job in another city and caring for him. One night I had enough and kicked them out of his house. The trouble they were stirring up was making his care unbearable. I was better off on my own. Fortunately he had a double pension and there was money to pay for professional caregivers to relieve me. But on the consecutive days I covered him I stayed up without any sleep.

Making things worse my father was obstinate and resisted all efforts to be cared for.

Anyway the point is your mother needs serious care and it is the Alpha and Omega where she has become helpless like a child. She needs the proper attention. And her specific issues need to be handled appropriately.

linen53 13-05-2019 03:22 PM

o0A0o, I understand your situation. My father in law was the same as your father. Unfortunately I had no say in his care and he drove and lived by himself for 8 or 9 years with advancing Alzheimer's disease.

I prayed he didn't hit anyone with his car. Those accident lawyers are on the news 24/7 with their promises to make accident victims rich.

Not that my father in law was in the right. More, it was my hubby who was wrong. We eventually saw my fil safely to the grave with no lives harmed.

JosephineB 13-05-2019 03:39 PM

Already good advice given. Sounds like your brother is in denial. It's a tough situation, been through it with my mum too. Best wishes, hoping for a solution for you soon.

astralsuzy 13-05-2019 10:41 PM

Thank you all for your replies. My husband said my brother is putting it in denial. He deleted the posts so my mother never saw it. He did not want to upset our mother. It may not matter that he deleted the posts because I now realise that it probably will not do any good if I said something to my mother. Last year I went on a cruise with my mother. I advised my mother to change her trousers as they smelled. My mother refused and said I do not care if they smell. I washed her clothes early in the morning when she was sleeping so she would not know about it. I think she will end up in a nursing home very soon. She had a fall a week ago. Next time it could be a lot worse and she will be forced to go into a nursing home. Her walking is getting a lot worse than before.

edithaint 14-05-2019 12:35 AM

I think you were right to tell her, but that should be the end of it. If someone makes a decision, that is their right, regardless of how if affects others. Others have the right to walk away. We should not force people to receive help they don't want, even if we think we know better. We don't. No one does. But we do have noses, and an instinct to avoid bad odors.

o0A0o 14-05-2019 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edithaint
I think you were right to tell her, but that should be the end of it. If someone makes a decision, that is their right, regardless of how if affects others. Others have the right to walk away. We should not force people to receive help they don't want, even if we think we know better. We don't. No one does. But we do have noses, and an instinct to avoid bad odors.

This is an example of prevalent ignorance. Health, safety and well-being take precedence over personal rights. There is a point where you legally lose your right to make decisions for yourself. There is a point where family becomes legally obligated to care for family. Both parties can be forced to comply. Going about your day with soiled clothing is a sign of mental illness. In most cases it is not a matter of taste, style or preference.

o0A0o 14-05-2019 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astralsuzy
Thank you all for your replies. My husband said my brother is putting it in denial. He deleted the posts so my mother never saw it. He did not want to upset our mother. It may not matter that he deleted the posts because I now realise that it probably will not do any good if I said something to my mother. Last year I went on a cruise with my mother. I advised my mother to change her trousers as they smelled. My mother refused and said I do not care if they smell. I washed her clothes early in the morning when she was sleeping so she would not know about it. I think she will end up in a nursing home very soon. She had a fall a week ago. Next time it could be a lot worse and she will be forced to go into a nursing home. Her walking is getting a lot worse than before.


"Deleted the posts" as in blog posts? internet forum posts? ????

Nursing homes are expensive especially if they have an on sight nurse which some do not. Getting someone into a nursing home is difficult and expensive. Unless you are a multimillionaire the thing people do is to give up 99% of their assets to meet the requirements for assistance. Then you have to apply and wait for an opening somewhere. You will not have a choice of where to go. You will be placed where there is an available opening.

JosephineB 14-05-2019 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by o0A0o
"Deleted the posts" as in blog posts? internet forum posts? ????

Nursing homes are expensive especially if they have an on sight nurse which some do not. Getting someone into a nursing home is difficult and expensive. Unless you are a multimillionaire the thing people do is to give up 99% of their assets to meet the requirements for assistance. Then you have to apply and wait for an opening somewhere. You will not have a choice of where to go. You will be placed where there is an available opening.


Depends on what country/circumstances you are in.

astralsuzy 14-05-2019 09:50 AM

Nursing homes are expensive. It is best to keep people out of nursing homes if possible. It is much better to live in your own home. If you are not able to look after yourself then you can be forced to go into a nursing home. A person can stay in their own home and get carers to care for them. It would not work for my mother as she would refuse any help. She refuses to wear clean clothes so unfortunately her health is likely to go downhill. I told her last year she needs to wear clean clothes. She refused and went out to dinner wearing smelly clothes. This was on the cruise late last year.


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