My mom is dying
 

Hello all!
I hope someone can share their insight, advise me, or simply give me a hug. I need it! The last six weeks have been tough - and it's still ongoing.

Six weeks ago I found out that my mom is very ill. She was not in her home country at the time and first of all I arranged for her to be brought home, which was costly and took time. All the while she was in a lot of pain. I myself live in another continent so someone else brought her to our home country. There she was admitted into a hospital and subsequent tests revealed that she has end stage cancer. She quickly deteriorated since then, especially mentally.

So while the first two weeks were frantic with activity to get her help and to get her home, the last four weeks since the diagnosis I have been going through such a strong inner turmoil I got really ill myself. (I'm getting a bit better now.)

I never would have thought that my mom dying would tear me apart so much. I feel so much love and compassion with her, regrets that we didn't visit each other more often (difficult when you live a 24 hr journey apart and money is tight), sweet memories flooding me, and gratefulness ... and then I get angry as well that she let it get to the point where she collapsed from pain, rather than seeking help earlier. She always tried to tough it out alone. She even lied to me on the phone that she's ok when she was not anymore.

Ever since the word 'cancer' was introduced everyone keeps telling me that I should go and see her. And my inner storm has since included the question, do I want to go? I'm puzzled that the answer wasn't and still isn't a clear Yes. I don't understand it. I don't understand myself anymore. Am I simply in denial? Is something wrong with me?

Others also don't understand me, especially my family back home. One of them has taken the legal guardianship over her and has sent me nasty messages to make me feel guilty while keeping me out of the loop concerning her status. This only muddies the waters, confusing me even more.

I do want to see her, hug her .... but ....

In a practical sense it's extremely difficult for me to travel there. I live in a poor country, just the flight and accommodation/food etc for two weeks would cost us four monthly household incomes. That's money we don't have. We simply can't afford it.

The other thing is that I live in a tropical climate and she is now in a country where winter is approaching. That's a drop of 20-30 degrees C for me. My doctor said it is risky because my health is frail at the moment. I'm very exhausted still.

Maybe there's a deeper psychological reason why I can't decide. Maybe I'm scared to face the reality of her soon not being here anymore.

I just don't know what to do :icon_frown:

At the moment I don't think I will go. Scared that I will regret it later.

We talk on the phone every two days. About 10 days ago she said to me "Don't worry about coming! It's okay if you can't. I know your situation." But I still feel conflicted.

Today she was too tired and weak to even talk much. She now has difficulties remembering words and talking clearly ... she might leave soon.

I sent her love all the time. I imagine her surrounded by light, and happy. I sing for her ... I miss her and I know she misses me. She is a very sweet and giving woman. Please send her love and light too.

I feel so sad about this whole situation! Please share your thoughts but be kind, I've had enough bullying the past two weeks. Thank you for reading! It feels good to share here.

First of all be kind to yourself you are in a situation a lot of people find themselves in.no money etc. you know your mother is very ill,and you feel conflicted that you cant be there, your mother understands your situation .

dont be so hard on yourself.as you have noticed worrying only makes you ill

as long as you speak to her and she knows you love her.she will be ok with you not being there. you are going through the grieving because you know she is going to pass over.and you cant be there.

i will send Healing prayers to you and your mother.


Namaste

Thank you Native Spirit for your kind words and prayers.

I will try and not be hard on myself.

so sorryy i am

Thank you for your compassion dream jo!

Hello Tomma.
Such a dilemma for you, for any of us in similar circumstances.
Something we can do as readers is to join with dream jo and Native spirit in standing quietly alongside you, your family and your mum. I would like to do that please.

Also wondering if this may be of help:- if you are still able to speak with your mum by phone, describe to her where you are sitting--perhaps there is somewhere familiar to both of you. Describe what you are wearing--perhaps there is some article of clothing of yours which she would recognise. Perhaps also hold something familiar to both of you. This way the phone call becomes something like the painting of a close and intimate scene which can be very real to be held and cherished in the imagination.

Forgive me please if this suggestion is inappropriate. With love. pete

Thank you for your loving post and lovely idea Pete! No not inappropriate at all. She has never visited me here but has sent me many little gifts and I will refer to one (or more) during our next phone call. There are so many things in this house she gave me ...

:hug: What can I say, you are suffering so much, so sorry Tomma.

Does someone who is close to where your Mum is living use Skype? You can then arrange a time to speak to Mum face to face, that might help you both. Video calls on a Mobile is another device that could connect you both.

Sorry that is all I can think of that might help... You take care of yourself, your Mum would want that :smile:

So sorry to hear that. I'll light a candle for you both.


Take care

Thank you I really like that.