Not Sure Where To Post This!
 

I've kind of been lurking in different forums, but there are so many, y'all! :confused:

Anyway, I was hoping to get tips, tricks, stories, ideas, articles...basically all of the things regarding self-esteem. I have a family that is very conservative and religious. And I care what they think about me. I know they often discuss (gossip) about other friends and family members, and so I feel as though every action I take is seen as a bad thing. I worry about this with strangers, as well. "Do they think I'm weird?" "Should I keep my voice down, or not speak at all?" etc. etc.

How does anyone here deal with self-esteem issues? How do y'all (yes, I'm from South Texas, I can legitimately use that word lol) stop worrying about what others think of you?

Sorry if this is the wrong forum. Like I said, there are just. so. many. :icon_scratch:

I learned by the time I was in 5th grade that it was a compliment to be called "wierd". You are unique and have to learn how to be yourself without worrying what others think of you. It may be hard, I don't understand it as I have always been the kid who asked "why is the emperor not wearing any clothes" type.

It is very freeing to get to the point that other's opinions of you don't matter. Even as resistant to authority as I was from the start, I still wanted people to like me, but I found out, some will never like you no matter what and if you try to be someone you are not you will not be trusted. So, do your best the way you know how and if you get gossiped about by your family or strangers know that is an indication in lack for them, not you.

It is all mind games, you have to figure out how you are ok in your head and don't worry about what is going on in anyone else's head.

I like the saying that it's none of our business what others think about us.
People will think what they like anyway, there's not a lot we can do about it. So best to get on with our own business.

I grew up instilled with the belief that everybody was judging and gossiping about me, and that it was pretty much all bad. It was just someone else pushing their feelings about themselves onto me, but it nearly killed me before I figured out what had happened. I don't think I ever really got the chance to develop self esteem, so I can't say it destroyed it. I spent my childhood hiding unknown and unspecified defects I never actually had, and the better part of my adult life trying to figure out how to get at and change those deeply embedded beliefs and stop them from messing up my life. So I get where you are coming from (or maybe even a bit beyond?).

Even if you do care about what others think of you, I have found it is nearly impossible to figure out what they really do think, and completely impossible to control it. So if nothing else, as a practical matter, realize it is a hopeless task and give it up. Whatever others think of us generally has far more to do with the eyes they are using to look at us then the way we look. Just as how we think we appear has far more to do with how we feel about ourselves on the inside than anything we do outwardly. At the end of the day we have to live with ourselves and who we believe we are, make peace with that fact and you will care far less about what others may think (of which you have very little hope of understanding or controlling anyway). As long as you can sleep at night that is what matters.

If you are spending time in a world with people who feel they need to gossip and judge others, then you are going to feel that they are doing the same to you when you leave the room. This works on your subconscious so there is not much you can do to protect yourself other then avoid being there or try to change the subject. There are people in this world who become uncomfortable with conversations that degrade into gossip, try to be one of them.

Most of the time those same gossipers are actually more worried about what others are thinking about them. We live in the world we create in our minds. If we go around gossiping and judging everybody, then that is what we assume the world is doing to us, and its not a good way to live. I believe the scripture is "judge not, lest ye be judged", not "judge them since they are judging you anyway."

Be the person you are comfortable being and don't go around gossiping and judging others. When others start gossiping, change the subject, eventually they will stop trying to get you to engage. One thing I have noticed about people is that the ones whom everybody else seems to like and respect are the ones who don't seem to feel the need to gossip and judge others. They seem to be comfortable with who they are and accept others for who and where they are. They don't seem to need the approval of others, and therefore do not give others that power over them.

I would agree that you should live your own life and do whatever please you. Yet, there are circumstances where you cant do it but must conform To the popular opinion. Like a gay person living in a very religipus country Or family.
It is natural for you To want To please your family, but do it wisely. Find the middle ground.

Quite true. I find that doing what pleases me most often means moving with the current unless I find that there is something worth swimming upstream for. I may not care what they think of me, but I may care what they may or may not do to me, or for me, and so I make my choice based on what I think is best to do for me. I cannot control the thoughts and actions of others any more than the weather, so sometimes I use an umbrella, other times I choose not to go outside, but those are my choices, made for my reasons.
The gay person in an oppressive family or country has to weigh what is important to them and make a choice to stay and conform, try to leave, or not conform and face whatever the consequences are. In the end what I suppose we are after is not so much freedom from having to conform because of the opinion of others outside of us, but freedom from living with the shame inside that tells us we are not OK. There is nothing wrong with the gay person, only with the society that condemns them for it, knowing and understanding this is a degree of freedom in itself. That said, it is a hard thing to fight off the shame when everyone around you condemn you, harder still to find the courage to openly defy them, so I would probably encourage the gay person to leave.

I have to believe in myself because I am alone.

It seems like that sometimes doesn't it. That alone feeling. I don't believe any of us are truly alone though. Solitude is helpful to develop important things in us though. Ready for when we connect with others.

Correction. I think the most powerful feeling is when you recognize God's love for you. It will pull you out of the gutter and make you wanna fly against all doubt.

I'm not saying I don't understand the feeling of loneliness. I know it better than anyone. Maybe it's cause I'm male and have testosterone, but I just feel so much fundamentally better about myself when I affirm that I don't need anyone else but myself.

When faced with obstacles you have 2 choices. You either sink or you swim. I choose to swim and admit that it just cannot logically be impossible to be fine with being alone. I was before I ever thought of romance or sex. My passions are bigger than anyone's, but I have to face the reality that being powerful means walking a more constricted and lonely road.

Especially a Lord. A Lord is 100% active and 100% independent.

When I said connect with others I didn't mean romance or sex in particular. Just in general. You're on SF to connect in some way, no?

**** not really. I got banned from the forum I main because it's a place that has the tendency to draw the worst out of me. I main that forum for... idk. Nobody there really likes me, and there is a lot of really bad and stupid people there.

I'm probably here because at the very least my most quack ideas, simply get ignored. Rather than cause me problems like some other places I know.

I don't fit in anywhere or connect with others. Aspergers IS a social disorder. But here things are "loose" enough to allow someone like me to easily co-exist here.

Surely you'd just do a blog if you didn't want connection or interaction with others.

You seem to need others on here to bounce your ideas off. Or to make comments on other peoples ideas.

Personally I like to keep it in my mind that failure is its own teaching tool.

Many people follow the crowd because they presume that someone else has tried & tested something enough to be confident in it. The problem is that often every person is just as reliant on that presumption too. You could be in a room with 100 people all certain of something yet if they are honest they haven't actually considered all of the options or tested the methods themselves.


Its fine to have a formal persona & a relaxed persona - so there maybe things that you don't say or admit to in public that in private you feel differently about as long as you understand yourself & what guides you.

As an example - many spiritual conservatives will present God as being a headmaster authority figure. What they are missing is that by their own admissions God created everything ... including humour.
If you find comfort in you inner voice that will project itself naturally in time.

There are times when those around you will have to hear things that they don't like or agree with - if you aren't being malicious or insensitive then if someone doesn't like something that you say or do then thats for them to question why - not you.

Everyone who pretends that they have all of the answers, all of the confidence in every decision & complete control all of the time is only ignoring that inner voice because everything is far more nuanced than we like to believe & there are far more shades of grey than most people can handle.

You sound really fun & open so it really would be someone elses loss regardless.

It's pretty depressing that you think that is a "connection" of some sort. Interaction is interaction, connection is meaningful but interaction is just... doing a job.

I am saying I can't seek it, because it won't have me. Even if I wanted it, I couldn't have it. So I learn a different way of being than to go out of my way to get it, or to rely upon it.

I'm not sure what's depressing about it. Although truth can feel annoying or inconvenient to us sometimes. Doesn't mean it's not the truth though.

All of us are seeking something on here imo, it's a connection of some sort. If you want to put it as doing a job then fine, we need others to do the job though, or why else would we have made the effort and signed up to this forum.

Even if someone were a hermit in the woods, being as self sufficient as much as humanly possible, they'd still be reliant on something other than themself. They'd need the surroundings as a support for starters. Plus they'd be relying on others not to polute the air they'd breath. Where ever we're living atm. If in a city for instance, we need water, food, electricity etc. Internet! Other people are helping to provide this for us. Yes, a lot can be learnt by someone being on there own. Further development is provided by interaction with others though. Interaction is connection in some form or another. Even if for the few miniutes while posting on this forum or reading it.

The guy is telling you that he takes his comfort from the strength it takes to be alone.

Whilst you may not subscribe to it the concept allows him self confidence & the ability to carry on with his journey.

Perhaps listing why he actually still relies on others isn't the right approach here .... ?

Good point. And if it's working for him then great. Seems unsettled and angry to me, but what do I know.

Alot probably but hes offered up his reasons.

Birds gonna fly, Fish is gonna swim & hes going to seem aloof.

Nice to see another English person on here! :icon_queen:

Oh now you've gone and done it, quotes :smile: I've got an excuse to use one: No man is an island.


Nice to see you too :grommit:

This is a very beautiful post and it stirred up stuff inside me.

Yes, God loves me SO much, I know it...but most of the time, I am too busy showing my love for Him that I don't really put myself on the receiving end of it...but I have done that quite a few times...it is scary!

I, too, am a loner. It is difficult to walk this path, but God has been there, holding my hand throughout it all..I don't know where I would be without this.

We have this tendency because inherently we know we don't deserve it. It's like how Thanos in the comics sabotages himself and lowkey deliberately leaves a way for the heroes to defeat him. In a way, we are all the Tragic Hero. Embracing our own demise subconsciously because we know God and Heaven is infinitely beyond our worth. It takes a lot of weight and momentum... to actually set ourselves up to recieve blessing. Especially in a way where we don't have too big of a head because of it.

Wow, thank you for the discussion and thoughts! One thing that stuck out to me was when someone mentioned being gay. I have a family member who is gay, and has recently come out to the family. I belong to this family through marriage. When he told me and other family members in a group chat what he had done, I wanted to dance for him! I was over-the-moon, wildly happy for him! And I could not imagine how much bravery it took to do something like that, especially when he was raised to believe being gay was a sin.

He now brings his fiance every time he visits home. And he has told me that if his parents continue to do rude things (like introduce his fiance as his "friend") then there is going to be a very big discussion.

But thinking about him kind of maybe gave me a few nuggets of wisdom. For one thing, he doesn't care what they think about him, but he does care for how his partner is treated. He has taken control of the situation, decided his ground rules, and stuck by them. I've read other replies in this thread that seem to say the same: don't worry what others think, stick to being who you are. It seems so difficult to me, and it will probably require a lot of work. You have to be in the moment and mindful of your thoughts in order to change how you've been thinking your entire life. But it's possible. You guys are great! :)