Acquaintances are Better than Friends
 

Instead of friends, it's better to have acquaintances only. It has to do with the Buddhist practice of Non-attachment.
Because suffering is caused by emotional attachment. Let's say you have a friend, and that friend either dies or abandons you. The result is that you suffer deep sorrow. And the closer the attachment was, the worse the sorrow becomes.
As you can see, it's better to have acquaintances only. Buddhist-Nonattachment.

Not necessarily, once you realise the impermanence of all things there's no difference, imo.

That reminds me of getting pets like a cat or a dog. Their life span is a lot shorter than most of us so one is kind of setting themselves up for a heartbreak by getting one and becoming attached and in love with it.

I think this can be a very harsh place to live, this physical earth, so to adopt an animal to care for, well one can't guarantee that animal will not suffer in various ways while under your care which is kind of traumatic to witness. That's like having kids too. You may have to watch them get or be really sick etc.

But then I think it is very spiritual to care for another. To put their needs over your own. Having children and raising them right, meeting their needs and loving and nurturing them takes a lot of not being selfish or self centered. But yes some very self centered selfish types have kids and animals, not the best environments.

I've had a lot of pets and I don't think I'd ever want to go through it again. I don't like the design of this physical planet and what exists on it. I agree with Buddhism, it really is a place designed to create suffering for living things in a lot of ways.

A lot of religious types like monks and nuns decide to not have romantic relationships. I will always remember a lecture by A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. I can't remember it exactly but it was like: If you get a wife or husband then you get children. If you get children you will need to spend money for their food and shelter. To spend money you will need to get a job... and on and on it went....one of his points was a better way to be was to be free to keep your attention on "God" all day. No other responsibilities or demands. But then that's what some monks and nuns do.

The fear of sorrow is not a wholesome motivation.

@Cribbage...I would simply like to say ... not being Buddhist, but I like Buddhism...I really understand what you're saying.
I think it was brave to say it...because you prob knew you would get kick back.

I agree with sky :icon_thumright:

In spiritual practice or as adopted as a way of life in mindfulness, in my view it is not negation that is required but celebration, in a mode of embrace and release, intimate yet nonchalant like the breeze.

Why fear friendship, intimacy, closeness? Feeling ourself being breathed by God or let us say, the universe, is not each in-breath life giving and enlivening, each out-breath, ego-dissolution in surrender? Likewise, let us hold tenderly all relationships, even the casual smile to a stranger like the vibrant void that holds existence in its womb with affection and yet remains detached.

Just thoughts … great line of inquiry, Cribbage.

Suffering offers a rich opportunity for learning, as do emotional attachments. That's what physical incarnations are all about.

And yet He was married for 32 years with 5 children before He decided to 'retire' from family life... I presume He thought it was a 'job' and decided to change it.

And yet it is worth it because of the good memories. My dog died last year but I think about him every day, and in a good way. Perhaps getting a second pet before the older one dies helps, because then part of the memory lives on in the pet still alive.
Romantic relationship are consuming and probably prevent us from doing a lot of other things we'd love to do. It's give and take, we sleep about 8 hours a day (most of us, I think/hope), and then there's work. There's no ''I can do everything I want at the same time and be great at all of it'', we may try but we end up becoming very average at everything. This is why many of the greatest minds throughout history - be they philosophers, scientists, or spiritual teachers - were single. They dedicated precious time into one practice, and achieved supernatural like focus.

Your post reminded me of this video and Buddhist channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNTY...=WordsofWisdom

I can recommend this channel, a lot of perspectives applicable to daily life.

Is it not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all ?

I don't really have feelings like I think other people do, and I actually don't like pets, but let's say I did and really loved my dog - when the dog dies I barely worry or feel sad. It's sometimes hard because when people die and everyone is grieving, I don't actually grieve and I worry that they'll think I'm a sociopath, but I think it's because I don't have and shock and am immediately at the stage where 'this is my life now'. But there is something else, like after my mother died I re-landscaped her place and spent months creating a native garden dedicated to her, including hardscapes like paths and pavers which is more for my late stepfather. After that house was inherited (not by me) and rented out, I continue to maintain the grounds and will keep up that dedication for the rest of my life. So... it's something, but no grief, no sorrow.

I think true love is divine love. Where oneloves all equally and deeply. Romantic love tends to be selfish or self centered. That's why it can so easily turn to hate if one cheats etc. Also, if one is not identified as this body and does not enjoy listening to egos why would they have a desire to couple up? On the "intimacy" my opinion is when body identification ends, so does any interest in that. It's an animal thing in my opinion and totally body related. Brain driven hormones etc.

I don't see it as fear. I see it as enlightenment. Where one sees reality. Romantic relationships I think then to be about what we get, not so much what we give. But then I'd guess most need such things for karmic learning purposes. That's prolly one point of an incarnation. I was in a pancake place the other day and an elderly couple came in, sat down, ordered their meals, ate them, then left without saying one word to each other. They did not look happy.

In silence, we often find the deepest connection.
Mybe they didn't 'look' happy because in their lives something 'sad' was going on....

That's exactly right..we have no idea. We can't really assume anything. Good one, sky....imo. :)

Yes, we should never judge a book by its cover :smile:

It is amazing how much the brain assumes!

I still think they were unhappy. They were both frowning. About what or why I don't know.

"He who measures according to (outward) form (rūpappamāṇa) is satisfied therewithin".....
The Buddha.

The Buddha taught that people make judgements in one of four ways, rūpappamāṇa is the first way....

Oh, I don't doubt you...I don't doubt they were prob unhappy. :)

I think the point, for me anyway, is it could have been situational and very valid.
Like the unhappy, slow waitress that just got the phone call her son is being expelled for a knife in his locker.
Or those folks finding out their grandchild has cancer.

My friend just got a new kidney, offered her mine - her husband died after a heart transplant, her 2 little doggies died
of old age last month, last week her son, 38, was found dead in his apt...NYC. Funeral was Monday.Has the chore of cleaning out his stuff.
She may be invited out for a lunch...I guarantee she will be a sight to see there!

Perhaps it was a facelift or botox gone wrong???

:biggrin:
People frown for numerous reason not just through unhappiness. I personally frown when I'm in deep concentration....

When I hear of incidents that you're friend is experiencing, one thing after another, I just want to hug them, gosh I feel for Her....

I think it’s much better for both yourself and others to let go of all unhealthy attachments and build relationships in this way. When we cling, we suffer, when we let go we understand how all relationships feel in this way.

Friendships are deeper than acquaintances. I would say one of the key differences is you can spend fulfilling free time with a friend, free of judgement, but not an acquaintance. You're more on your guard with an acquaintance, not showing your true colours.

I think friendships are fine as long as there is respect for the other's freedom. A friend who demands or expects frequent contact is not really a friend. Friends can not have contact for months or years and then, when they meet again, continue where they left. Otherwise you are imprisoning that other person. With a friend you can have a better time than with an acquaintance so I disagree with OP on that. A friendship also doesn't mean you develop a severe attachment or can't let go.

I also agree with Gem that fear of sorrow is not wholesome. Like I mentioned, I lost my dog but it would never cross my mind to say oh I should never have bonded in the first place nor would I say the sorrow would mean I'd never get a dog again. I have heard some people say such things but I find it a bit disrespectful towards all the treasured experiences. You don't delete your best playthrough!

There certainly is a fine line between opening your heart to loving...and also staying detached..
since that 'thing' we love will disappear before long!
The question is not Hamlet's, 'To be or not to be'...but rather, "To love or not to love."
imo.

I think part of it is how the words are spinned in the mind of individuals.

Like deciding to never own another pet can be called a "fear of sorrow" if one wants to spin it that way. It can also be called the wisdom of understanding what "owning" another being entails. Owning an animal. It could also come from a deep understanding of what the experience is about and entails and the possible downfalls.

Like one could say, "I will never marry a drug addict, or an alcoholic again." Then one could spin that and say that is a fear of sorrow. There is no doubt owning a domesticated animal and having it love you brings pleasure. Then it getting sick, or hit by a car, or running away etc brings suffering of various degrees. But that's normal human life. Living with pleasure and pain. One could also give up both the pleasure and pain and remain at peace which is also a type of pleasure.

I had a friend bring bed bugs into my house once after she rode a city bus. Both my indoor cats got attacked and were being "farmed" by a type of bed bug that has adapted to domesticated animals. The beg bugs ride on them and bite them and they suffer a lot. The bugs also breed like crazy and infect everything. Hide everywhere in the dwelling. Tiny things. The bites on humans are also horrendous. Took the cats to two vets and they said there was nothing they could do as not only were the bugs all over my place in places unreachable, some had hid deep down in the cats ears. I suppose one could put the cats to sleep and try to put pesticides all over them and deep into their ears and move and throw away all your furniture etc. Yea will never own another pet. Not in this world. Too much stuff exists to make them suffer. Animals in the wild have natural ways to deal with such things. Pets living in a human house is a human invention.

I have had pets all my life though. Now I would not want to clean up after an animal every day for 15 years or so. Human babies get potty trained a lot faster than that. Dogs, cats.... yea you will be picking that up everyday. For the pleasure of love and companionship I suppose. I have a couple of house plants I take care of now lol. They clean my air in return.

But then one can get all the "love" or contentment they need from within themselves and not be dependent on some other person or animal for that. Maybe why some monks and nuns or anyone really opt for the single life and some others give up all possessions as well. Live a simple life with few responsibilities for others. Of course this could also be done because of supreme selfishness lol. But I think it can also be done out of wisdom or understanding. One can care for and love and help others while expecting nor wanting anything back in return.

Interesting point. Should be re-read carefully. :wink:

You got that right! But, from exp - I found out not many have ever felt that -
that there is a fountain of love inside....even me saying that here, many will think is crazy.

I don't know about that, but if it's true, from a human needs perspective, it's probably better to have loving relationships of different kinds, and usually, people who "opt" for a more isolated existence have hangups that impede them from having close relationships. They might aggrandise that into a spiritual superiority, but it's usually just being socially disfunctional.

Not sure how peoppe are all helping one another here, making the points others make and turn them into extreme positions. For instance, having friends or pets doesn’t mean being “dependent”, nor “attached” in some unhealthy way, neither does being alone or preferring to be alone means there’s some grand issue.

Consider me disappointed, guys. This forum can be quite divisive.

The voice of wisdom :icon_thumright:
I'm not surprised The Buddha taught 'The middle way'....

[Originally Posted by Maisy]
'But then one can get all the "love" or contentment they need from within themselves
and not be dependent on some other person or animal for that.'

Everything comes from within.....

Gem……..”and usually, people who "opt" for a more isolated existence have hangups that impede them from having close relationships”

So I was just wondering, does this statement also apply to you, seeing that you live alone.

Yes. I have hangups that make me socially awkward, so I don't have close friends or girlfriends etc., but I have a small group I started from the gym that catch up with for chai every so often, and I get on great with my siblings.

I just think the idea that spiritualists 'opt' for a solitary life is probably a good story they tell themselves to feel better about the real reason they don't have closeness in their lives. Of course in some rare cases people want to retreat for spiritual work, but generally speaking, people who say that aren't really opting for it, but have some issues that get in the way of having meaningful relationships.

I know plenty of people who choose an isolated existence and don't have any 'hangups' at all. I surpose there are those who choose to isolate themselves because they do have 'hangups' deem others to be the same as themselves with similar reasons for there choice which obviously is not true. We are are all different and have various reason to choose our lifestyles... One size doesn't fit all. I personally enjoy a bit of both :smile:

Yes there’s always a reason as I see it. Whether it’s overwhelm, too sensitive, socially awkward, can’t find kindred sameness, lots of stuff … some even opt for online because it’s easier to manage yourself and people, without too much interference or need to be too open.

I think in general people need balance so I think online satisfies people’s needs when it’s not present in their real life.

I remember reading the story of a woman who was friendless and had no one really in her life due to various circumstances, she was horribly lonely and alone and she went to a past life reader/medium and the psychic told her she chose this life because in past lives she was too dependent on others and she wanted to learn how to be ok alone. She said knowing the reason for her aloneness helped her a lot and also knowing it was temporary for this incarnation only.

It's interesting the idea we may choose "bad experiences" or bad situations on purpose for our next incarnation to learn something or help ourselves learn something.

Like I think owning a pet or being in relationships is not a good or bad thing or really says much at all. I think it's more about our experience with such things. Like one person can have a wonderful experience with a pet, others can have horrible ones. One person can find someone who loves and nurtures them and another may end up with an abusive person.

Like I'd say close friends are better than anything! A loving pet too. But then if all the people in your circle or life are abusive in various ways you may be better off a hermit. Some people are extremely close to their parents their whole lives and others end those relationships at 18 years old and never contact them again. Everyone has a unique life and unique experiences I think though with 8 billion people here one could probably find someone with similarities.

@Maisy
I think learning in life can be moment to moment. Shifts and change can break through old paradigms and ideas about one’s life. People settle into comfort zones. Wear the same clothes, same colours, eat the same foods and rarely break through their normal reality.

I’ve got friends who still live in the past in their environments. Hold onto everything.

People generally who stay stuck in patterns, generally feel they can’t be any different or at times they are too stubborn to change.

In my reality hearing the story if that woman you mentioned, is a temporary arrangement and she can change her reality at any given time if she so chooses. Giving reason to what has been for her doesn’t mean she can’t decide to change her world. This reading, doesn’t mean her reality is set in stone. It simply implies one reason of one choice. There are numerous reasons and numerous choices..

New awareness, new environments, new people.. it’s all potential occurring in every moment of life. Limited ideas about your life as to why one lives, can be viewed through any lens, yet the totality of life lens shows reality is much bigger than that alone.

Gem. I choose to live alone and don’t seem to have any hang ups and I have three very good long term friends who don’t seem to have any hang ups either. In fact I would say they are the kindest, sincere and well balanced people that I have ever met.

So I have to disagree with your comments.