Personal evolution vs family bonds?

[brokenwings]

Does anyone have experiences they can share about struggles with family members and not being able to maintain a harmonious connection with them, due to increasing differences in attitude and beliefs?

How can we know in our heart that truth and honesty are what nurture and protect relationships and yet remain in contact with relatives who say one thing to your face and then tear you to shreds behind your back? Despite sharing conversations about this very thing and agreeing to be honest and real?

I have had to cut contact with my brother due to this behaviour and it is unbelievably hard. Logic tells me I should rise above etc ... and yet my heart and gut go into serious recoil mode when I consider making a new approach to resolve things.

I have spent the past few decades in personal development, faced many demons, worked through issues and recovered from depression, and other very tough behavioural problems, all now gone - and yet I am unable to enjoy the harmony that I expected and craved within my family- due to being seen as the 'screwed up ' one - by relatives who scoff at therapy as 'for the weak and pathetic'....

Am I a coward?

brokenwings :hug3:

[Thunder Bow]

No, you are quite Brave in your desire to heal. Therapy is the Brave Warrior Way. Be proud of your own healing. You will never get parenting you desired from your family, or will achieve full harmony with them.

[Somnia]

You are not a coward at all...

I think one of the bravest/admirable things you can do for yourself is looking within and facing/resolving all of your negative issues...

I do not have siblings so I can't relate to that family dynamic, but I do have some relatives who always have drama in their lives, or they enjoy starting drama...so I distance myself from them because I have no tolerance for drama...I am able to get along with them during family reunions, but I do not stay in contact with majority of my relatives...It's too draining on me and a waste of my energy...as harsh as that may sound it is how I truly feel....I still feel unconditional love for them but that does not mean I have to be directly involved in their drama...

They have their own issues to work on and it's not my place to fix someone elses problems...

[Clover]

Congratulations on pushing forward through your adversities. This person you were describing is the old you, what happened yesterday is irrelevant to who you are today and what great things you can do ahead. Keep pushing forward :icon_thumright:

I think what your going through with family is normal in many adult-sibling relationships.Time away from close family members is sometimes needed for autonomy and self reflection. My sister and I were estranged for a couple of years for similar reasons. I think people sometimes forget that in our moments of weakness, we are still intelligent beings highly capable of problem solving ourselves ya know? So I know prodding can be invasive when it's not asked.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is freedom of what others think, and the path to your well being doesn't always include everyone, even family members. I would argue most of us are more than contempt this way with no regrets.

[Baile]

This is the pattern of life:

Childhood: Free!
Teen years: Not free anymore.
20's an 30s: Even less free.
40's and 50's: Free again!
60's: Why didn't I free myself back in my 20's and 30's?!

Karma bonuses for having the wherewithal to free one's self from dysfunctional family members, friends and relationships.

[brokenwings]

Thankyou for your replies.. they are very reassuring. One of the biggest problems was that there was a voiced expectation that I would not be able to 'keep up' the new version of me, as if I was just acting. Not very helpful! And very hard to be happy and relaxed when your behaviour is being scrutinised - although I'm aware I was doing the same thing, knowing what they thought!
It seems really sad to me that healing does not necessarily bring family closeness. But I must be buying into the idea that the 'perfect family' somehow exists, which I know is not really true! And I hope that it will resolve at some point, but there is such a pressure on me to 'do it their way' and I can't, have tried and tried!

There are periods when I feel so much peace about it all, and know it is ok. And then holiday days like Easter arrive and they all get together, and my self imposed exile really hurts, and yet neither can I include myself.

So - practicing staying in the now, and not 'storytelling' ( just allowing myself a little of that here! ) and tending to my garden and feeling blessed to have that amazing connection to nature.

BWs :hug3:

[Baile]

It seems really sad to me that healing does not necessarily bring family closeness. But I must be buying into the idea that the 'perfect family' somehow exists, which I know is not really true!That is correct, reality indeed functions differently than our self-created expectations. But that doesn't stop us from finding ways to recreate aspects of the old in the new. It just means being clear and setting conscious boundaries so that what wasn't working for you in the old, doesn't get unconsciously dragged into your new way of being in the world.

[blackraven]

Does anyone have experiences they can share about struggles with family members and not being able to maintain a harmonious connection with them, due to increasing differences in attitude and beliefs?

How can we know in our heart that truth and honesty are what nurture and protect relationships and yet remain in contact with relatives who say one thing to your face and then tear you to shreds behind your back? Despite sharing conversations about this very thing and agreeing to be honest and real?

I have had to cut contact with my brother due to this behaviour and it is unbelievably hard. Logic tells me I should rise above etc ... and yet my heart and gut go into serious recoil mode when I consider making a new approach to resolve things.

I have spent the past few decades in personal development, faced many demons, worked through issues and recovered from depression, and other very tough behavioural problems, all now gone - and yet I am unable to enjoy the harmony that I expected and craved within my family- due to being seen as the 'screwed up ' one - by relatives who scoff at therapy as 'for the weak and pathetic'....

Am I a coward?

brokenwings :hug3:

brokenwings - I had to live life for many years without having a close relationships with my parents because of lack of respect for me and my justifiable decision-making. I raised a son without much contact with them in his earlier developmental years and that was a good thing because he didn't develop what I had developed having been raised in that family structure. Slowly as we all started to age and understand one another most of us have made our way back into each others lives with a good degree of understanding and respect for one another.

Even so, however, I have to check myself as I tend to want to go into reclusive and avoidance mode when people I'm related to are more challenging for me than I have energy for at times. I have a sister that I often let her calls go to voicemail because the sarcastic and incessant complaining mode that she is always in creates a lot of frustration and anxiety in me. Do I feel guilty? Sure, but I justify my actions when I take the path of trying to preserve some peacefulness in my day. Just seeing her phone number on my phone causes my heart to race. So I'm not without fault and I'm trying to work on being more understanding of her like she is and less judgmental. And in all actuality, if I answer the phone and talk to her for a little while, she stops calling every day, several times a day. That in turn allows me to let my guard down and relax a bit more.

Family can be very challenging as they are always in ones life and the history, good or bad and everything in between, remains there for each member to try to work through throughout life.

[Lorelyen]

Does anyone have experiences they can share about struggles with family members and not being able to maintain a harmonious connection with them, due to increasing differences in attitude and beliefs?

How can we know in our heart that truth and honesty are what nurture and protect relationships and yet remain in contact with relatives who say one thing to your face and then tear you to shreds behind your back? Despite sharing conversations about this very thing and agreeing to be honest and real?
To me it's always been about playing roles. Most of us have to, to get through our days. There's a marked difference between being untruthful with people (which implies untruth to one's higher principles) and being diplomatic, doing what seems to be good to fit in.

But if you've done your bit, then their backbiting will only bring bad stuff on themselves. It obviously matters to you but, can I ask, are you put to any material disadvantage by their conduct? Because, if not, you can afford to be entirely calm and independent in your deportment.

I have had to cut contact with my brother due to this behaviour and it is unbelievably hard. Logic tells me I should rise above etc ... and yet my heart and gut go into serious recoil mode when I consider making a new approach to resolve things.
Perhaps you should now wait for the approach to be made to you. If that doesn't happen then the thing has been sized up for you. Are you fearful that it won't be resolved? Or that it won't be resolved in your terms? You see, it may be time to think about cutting ties. As we grow we diverge from our parents / families. One always hopes the divergence will still allow a nice healthy relationship with those who brought us up. But remember, they have been through this stage and probably have fixed ideas, now, on how things should be. If religion is involved those ideas will be so ingrained that anything different will likely be considered bad.

I have spent the past few decades in personal development, faced many demons, worked through issues and recovered from depression, and other very tough behavioural problems, all now gone - and yet I am unable to enjoy the harmony that I expected and craved within my family- due to being seen as the 'screwed up ' one - by relatives who scoff at therapy as 'for the weak and pathetic'....

Am I a coward?

brokenwings :hug3:

Not a coward at all. It sounds as if you have evolved beyond them. Having done so much work for yourself you've developed a broader, more independent world view. You can see them for what they are: stuck! ...Perhaps the best thing is preserve calm at all costs in their presence when taunting you. Just don't rise to the bait. Show yourself as calm and fully abreast of your situation. Play the role of their therapist!! And leave them to their antics.

And of course, you have a future. You don't mention your domestic circumstances - married? Children? Because you seem to have an idea of what you want (of your family) and can create this in your future.

They'll always be family. They're there. But you are your own person now and harmony and calm are yours. When you encounter hostility from family members spread the calm across them. Smile inwardly.

:smile:

[Jyotir]

Hi brokenwings,

It is a common problem with seekers... Awakening to a new orientation - conscious deliberate spiritually (vs. rational/material or conventionally religious) - and that orientation may not be shared by friends and family, as people awaken at different times according to their own (and Spirit's) needs.

Consequently, there is often the need to remove oneself from persistently negative and deliberately destructive situations, and in particular ones that are vehement, active, and intractable.

Sometimes if there is some receptivity in others, patience is called for, but discrimination will reveal each case for what it is (and how to deal with it). In other words, it is clear when people are interested...or not, and if not, how much 'not'. If resistance is not too overwhelming, i.e., spirituality is simply tolerated, but not outwardly rejected, it is sometimes beneficial to keep the peace, and have intermittent 'good-will' contact to assess the situation.

In general, as one increasingly surrenders to Spirit, one needs to trust Spirit to arrange the human relations which benefit the (new) spiritual orientation. Detachment from what doesn't work is often part of this movement.

That's not to say that challenges aren't conducive to progress, but many times it's best just to move on, as painful as that seems at first. Someone who is just learning to swim will not do well in the open ocean, but at the same time, if family and friends keep insisting on using the 'same old flotation devices' or be damned - one will never learn to swim at all....

There are social forces (and that includes family) which tend towards the preservation of the status-quo. So by definition, anyone who is beginning to consciously aspire in a spiritual way is seen as 'leaving the fold'. That is often seen as an open challenge to status quo - and even threatening to it - so there can be a concerted reactive effort to dismiss, discourage, even destroy the nascent efforts in the new direction. People doing this may not be, and often aren't conscious of it - they are just reacting in blind ignorance.

Many times however, as spiritual progress is made, this often becomes apparent to previously hostile friends or family, when they see qualities emerging in one who remains steadfast in their practice - the real results of which confirm that there was a positive effect of that practice. Then the reactive fear and threat to the former status-quo is re-evaluated by those who were negative - but this takes time, patience, and detachment...and increasing trust of Spirit, which is the important part of the new infinite landscape vs. the limited and limiting circumscription of various conventional human attachments.


~ J

[brokenwings]

Hi Black raven - can so relate to the phonecall scenario!:icon_frown:

Yes, I am married and have the most wonderful honest and loving relationships with my partner and two children. Such a blessing and also, dare I say it, some validation for my approach to life.

Interestingly, my relationship with my father has changed beyond all recognition for the better - he is open to spirituality and discussing emotions! and conversation at a deeper level - my brother and other sibling seemed to become more objecting to me the further along my path I travelled and the happier I became. Maybe some jealousy - but whatever the reason it seemed really odd that they actually related to me more when' I' was a screwed up mess! It baffled me. I suppose we just grew so far apart we stopped being able to communicate in a way that worked for both sides.

Thankyou for the input!

[naturesflow]

Does anyone have experiences they can share about struggles with family members and not being able to maintain a harmonious connection with them, due to increasing differences in attitude and beliefs?

How can we know in our heart that truth and honesty are what nurture and protect relationships and yet remain in contact with relatives who say one thing to your face and then tear you to shreds behind your back? Despite sharing conversations about this very thing and agreeing to be honest and real?

I have had to cut contact with my brother due to this behaviour and it is unbelievably hard. Logic tells me I should rise above etc ... and yet my heart and gut go into serious recoil mode when I consider making a new approach to resolve things.

I have spent the past few decades in personal development, faced many demons, worked through issues and recovered from depression, and other very tough behavioural problems, all now gone - and yet I am unable to enjoy the harmony that I expected and craved within my family- due to being seen as the 'screwed up ' one - by relatives who scoff at therapy as 'for the weak and pathetic'....

Am I a coward?

brokenwings :hug3:


We do what we need for ourselves to maintain our health and wellbeing first and foremost.

We can love from a distance and let go. Meaning we can remain open to caring and keeping people in our heart but still let them go to grow themselves and if time brings us back together and it is meant to be it will be.

Opening to love in self leaves the door open if you are that deep in love within.

My personal experience is exactly this. And by letting go I allowed the connection to grow and deepen and come back as it needed to be.

And those close loved ones that haven't come back, I still remain open and wish them well in the life.

[Sarian]

I've had to sever ties with my siblings but for entirely different reasons (idiots and toxic)...my father knows I believe in entirely different things and he seems fine with it. My bf is an atheist so that makes it hard. When he first became an atheist he blew up at me and said since he know longer believes in anything, he felt he could not believe in me and my beliefs as well and therefore, he was breaking up with me. It took me by surprise and was extremely hurtful. It lasted a day, he came back lol, but in my own journey, I feel as though I am growing so much....I just take his non-belief in strides.... I think I'm the only one I know who believes as I do but my own children are always interested in where I stand...I don't force anything on them though. Most of my friends are Christians but thankfully, we love listening to each other ...

(I remember early on when I dared to share anything, my gosh, I got called evil, deluded, warped by Satan, ....lol accused in dabbling with the occult...I wasn't ...just going about my every day living and things happen!...and I changed in a much, much better way I might add too!)

[d7reborn]

No. You are not a coward. Even though they may talk behind your back I believe you should forgive them and love them. Realize that the past is the past and show them that you are going to create a bright future :)

[Sarian]

I never really fit into my family and so my entire life it was a struggle. And when my mom got cancer and was dying, it brought us closer but even on her deathbed I sat with her and wanting so badly for her to say she loved me but she never did...but I sat with her and comforted her and watched her leave me...then my family completely fell apart and I saw sides to one sibling I never saw before, but got glimpses while mom was dying. It's a sad thing to let go in some ways but I think that's just notions you are born and your family loves each other, takes care of each other, etc...but maybe that's more in the movies or what others want to portray but is not really the case. I would not want for my own children to end up this way but for me, it's really for the best. I see and talk to my dad but my brothers run the show there for whatever they think they can get from him now and after his death. I can't be party to that and so my dad knows he is loved and he gripes I don't see him nearly enough like before but he made the choices he did and I had to back off to save myself. Just like when I got a divorce...and that proved to be the BEST thing I ever did.

You will be alright and maybe you will find you are actually happy and enjoying life ...

[brokenwings]

Thankyou - your replies have really helped.

I wonder if because we come from such love and connection prior to birth, that we crave this, and miss it so much, and project this longing and expectation into our family scenario's and then often cannot help but feel let down and shocked by the lack of those things; by the contrast of absolute love/connection to only 'relative' ( no pun intended!)love/ connection when in this life.

That makes such sense to me.
And that when we 'remember' who we really are, it intensifies this.

I did have a huge breakthough regarding my negative feelings towards my parents ( disappointment and hurt, long term for many reasons) - when one day I realised, and could actually feel right down to my bones, that my parents, were 'not my real parents' - in fact my parents are the Yin and Yang of the Universe! and this absolutely removed those tough emotions in one fell swoop - because it abdicated my parents from that terrible 'burden' of needing ( in my mind) to provide for me unconditional and expressive love. I let them off the hook! And it felt amazing and changed completely my ongoing relationship with them ( one passed over, one still alive)

BW's :hug3: