Escaping Alcatraz

[SaintMatthew]

https://youtu.be/bFhU8ZJA9uA

Sorry, I almost never have access to a computer and certainly will not have any for over a week, so when it comes to typing a long message, I can do it a hundred times faster via YouTube, so any long message I leave will be done by video, and it also makes the point more accurate when a person can hear tone and see facial expression.

I'm currently chipping away at these walls that hold me one little chip at a time, tunneling out of this prison of drug addiction, pornography , depression, despair, Pride, lust, anger, covetousness, Envy, laziness, unforgiveness, fear, being irresponsible, institutionalized, immaturity, and other vices.

It isn't fun or easy, but those who escaped Alcatraz had nothing to do but plan, chip away, and take huge risks. I guess on this thread I'll share any progress, problems, struggles, or lessons learned on the way.

[Thunder Bow]

Wow. Don't judge yourself so hard. That is the 1st step in your healing. Work on your depression, and forget all those other labels.

[Baile]

I shared my story of depression on your other thread. One of the keys to my healing was ditching completely my religious beliefs... all the doctrine and dogma and mind poison that had accumulated over the course of 25 years of cult indoctrination. Someone who refers to themselves as a leper, was either seriously abused or seriously indoctrinated. You Matthew are choosing for yourself the mind poison of a religion that wants you to think there's something inherently wrong with you: you're a leper, you're a sinner, you require saving, etc. and so forth.

An insight I came to years later: The need to cling to self-loathing religious beliefs, the need to beat one's self up in the name of religion, is all EGO. It is the inverse I AM GOD belief. By identifying with I AM NOTHING, one identifies one's self as a warrior for God, a righteous and repentant believer, unlike the rest of sinful humanity.

The Catch-22 problem with depression is you can't tell a depressed person to see and think about "999," and that's because their depression keeps them locked into dark and negative feelings and thoughts about "666." So all I can do is share my experience and leave it at that. One last thing: Do you know the saying, "Kill your TV"? Same applies to ugly religious dogma that has the same corrosive effect on the mind and soul. Kill it. Eradicate it.

[Imzadi]

I shared my story of depression on your other thread. One of the keys to my healing was ditching completely my religious beliefs... all the doctrine and dogma and mind poison that had accumulated over the course of 25 years of cult indoctrination. Someone who refers to themselves as a leper, was either seriously abused or seriously indoctrinated. You Matthew are choosing for yourself the mind poison of a religion that wants you to think there's something inherently wrong with you: you're a leper, you're a sinner, you require saving, etc. and so forth.

An insight I came to years later: The need to cling to self-loathing religious beliefs, the need to beat one's self up in the name of religion, is all EGO. It is the inverse I AM GOD belief. By identifying with I AM NOTHING, one identifies one's self as a warrior for God, a righteous and repentant believer, unlike the rest of sinful humanity.

The Catch-22 problem with depression is you can't tell a depressed person to see and think about "999," and that's because their depression keeps them locked into dark and negative feelings and thoughts about "666." So all I can do is share my experience and leave it at that. One last thing: Do you know the saying, "Kill your TV"? Same applies to ugly religious dogma that has the same corrosive effect on the mind and soul. Kill it. Eradicate it.

Very wise words, Baile. :)

I would also like to add that witnessing the ego in it's various forms begins the journey of letting go of identifying with it. It's commendable and healthy that you want to change unhealthy behavior patterns that does not suit your well being and highest good, but you can do so lovingly and patiently with yourself. Witness the parts of you that cries out in pain and frustration that ends up using addictions to escape and avoid. Acknowledge the person inside that's suffering and be the Loving Awareness that holds space for that person to safely tell YOU (the Awareness) why they are upset and their pain and suffering. The more love and presence you shine on the parts of you that have unresolved suffering, the quicker it is for it to be healed. Similarly, when a child is upset and acts out in unhealthy behavior patterns, it's best to talk to the child with love and patience to find out what is causing their hurt and frustration so that it can be resolved together with loving wisdom. Take good care of yourself!

Much Love and Light to you! :hug3:

[Clover]

Hang in there, Matt.

Rooting for you and your well being. I trust you will get there.

Clover.

[Mr Interesting]

Look at your smiling head!

Everybody got all they need in smiling!

I just spent all day yesterday having fun rebuilding a motorcycle that in another sense cost far too much, but it didn't 'cause everything is junk no matter how shiny it is, and so I did all this work and standing back realised the whole thing is bent and twisted... duh, down I went and though I carried it lightly I finally found myself complaining in my head, duh... so I stopped, complaining that is.

It all actually went back to a power play between me and another guy and I've kinda seen that anyways but this brought it home and I let it go!

Sweet, it doesn't change anything, just some more work I actually enjoy but it did become an excuse to complain and in complaining... noticed, I let myself off the hook.

That's what stuff and junk is for...metaphorically speaking, but it's still just pictures that flow past and we get better and being nice and peaceful and just letting the pictures be the pictures, and get more in to feeling the honour and vitality that flows through it all... be wise, be kind and smile truly adrift in the silliness!

[SaintMatthew]

I shared my story of depression on your other thread. One of the keys to my healing was ditching completely my religious beliefs... all the doctrine and dogma and mind poison that had accumulated over the course of 25 years of cult indoctrination. Someone who refers to themselves as a leper, was either seriously abused or seriously indoctrinated. You Matthew are choosing for yourself the mind poison of a religion that wants you to think there's something inherently wrong with you: you're a leper, you're a sinner, you require saving, etc. and so forth.

An insight I came to years later: The need to cling to self-loathing religious beliefs, the need to beat one's self up in the name of religion, is all EGO. It is the inverse I AM GOD belief. By identifying with I AM NOTHING, one identifies one's self as a warrior for God, a righteous and repentant believer, unlike the rest of sinful humanity.

The Catch-22 problem with depression is you can't tell a depressed person to see and think about "999," and that's because their depression keeps them locked into dark and negative feelings and thoughts about "666." So all I can do is share my experience and leave it at that. One last thing: Do you know the saying, "Kill your TV"? Same applies to ugly religious dogma that has the same corrosive effect on the mind and soul. Kill it. Eradicate it.
Thank you! My feeling like a sick person isn't just about Dogma. I guess the word leper goes a bit too far.

That certainly is how a lot of people have treated me , and no I'm not asking for a pity party here , I'm just saying I have reasons for this view of myself that have nothing to do with Dogma.

But I agree that religious Dogma can be very dangerous.

I think you are right about self-loathing being EGO so thank you for pointing that out. :)

[SaintMatthew]

We are never alone

https://youtu.be/tNQzmKAUYC0

[naturesflow]

https://youtu.be/bFhU8ZJA9uA

Sorry, I almost never have access to a computer and certainly will not have any for over a week, so when it comes to typing a long message, I can do it a hundred times faster via YouTube, so any long message I leave will be done by video, and it also makes the point more accurate when a person can hear tone and see facial expression.

I'm currently chipping away at these walls that hold me one little chip at a time, tunneling out of this prison of drug addiction, pornography , depression, despair, Pride, lust, anger, covetousness, Envy, laziness, unforgiveness, fear, being irresponsible, institutionalized, immaturity, and other vices.

It isn't fun or easy, but those who escaped Alcatraz had nothing to do but plan, chip away, and take huge risks. I guess on this thread I'll share any progress, problems, struggles, or lessons learned on the way.


Your inspiring..:hug3:

[Jatd]

Thank you for sharing this! Opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I appreciate you.

You have a gift. A gift from suffering and pain, and a gift to share.
Thank you.

[SaintMatthew]

So, poverty of Spirit and humility are needed in order to be filled with the spirit and Grace of the creator. To not have those virtues is to be cut off from Grace .

Throughout the day I must Retreat deeply into the heart where God dwells and ask for direction and strength , for it must come from him if there is to be any victory in my life.

After so much failure and disappointment it is just a very difficult task to trust and have confidence in God, but that hope , trust , and confidence is a prerequisite for receiving great graces.

[SaintMatthew]

Today I did some humble work at the food shelf. Amazing how a person's Pride rebells hanging with the lowly and doing the lowliest work.

Many great lessons are learned by association with the poorest and being recognized as one of them.

[Miss Hepburn]

Throughout the day I must Retreat deeply into the heart where God
dwells
and ask for direction and strength,
for it must come from Him if there is to be any victory in my life.
Oh, do I love that sentence! Good for you to know this.

[linen53]

In my life, anyway, I came here to learn. I chose my abusive parents and relatives. I spent approximately 40 years figuring it out and healing. And I succeeded.

Put one foot in front of the next and learn to love yourself for where you are right now, not the person you want to become. It will probably take you a lifetime to get it straight. But isn't that why we have a long life-span?

[SaintMatthew]

In my life, anyway, I came here to learn. I chose my abusive parents and relatives. I spent approximately 40 years figuring it out and healing. And I succeeded.

Put one foot in front of the next and learn to love yourself for where you are right now, not the person you want to become. It will probably take you a lifetime to get it straight. But isn't that why we have a long life-span?
What do you mean by you chose your abusive parents?

[declan]

Hi Matthew.I agree with Baile,s assessment. You have experienced mental destruction .Its has left its imprint upon you.Anyone would struggle to overcome such unlove.However if you mentally cling to what was done to you, by your parents.Then you will never truly find peace. Belief in God can get you through the day, but in the end god belief will fail, because there is no supreme being.The holy books although well meaning ,they are flawed, like us humans .On the other hand, your ego , which is masquerading as you ,is the thing which keeps you in mental suffering .Its your ego you need to overcome that is the source of your mental pain.If you overcome your ego your pain will end.No god necessary, no religion needed.No one should have to experience what you suffered, but it may prove to be a blessing in later life.Good luck to you.

[SaintMatthew]

Hi Matthew.I agree with Baile,s assessment. You have experienced mental destruction .Its has left its imprint upon you.Anyone would struggle to overcome such unlove.However if you mentally cling to what was done to you, by your parents.Then you will never truly find peace. Belief in God can get you through the day, but in the end god belief will fail, because there is no supreme being.The holy books although well meaning ,they are flawed, like us humans .On the other hand, your ego , which is masquerading as you ,is the thing which keeps you in mental suffering .Its your ego you need to overcome that is the source of your mental pain.If you overcome your ego your pain will end.No god necessary, no religion needed.No one should have to experience what you suffered, but it may prove to be a blessing in later life.Good luck to you.
Thank you! To hear that come from a person who doesn't believe in God means a lot:hug2: because you are good to people without expecting any reward, and you don't need Religion to tell you how terrible pride and ego is. God loves you! I pray you be rewarded in this and the next life